A work in progress...

I had an interesting discussion with my hubby today, about the nature of friendships among women. As I’ve gotten older, the thing I have come to believe is that womens’ friendships are almost always weighted. By that, I mean that most often, one of the two friends puts more value in that friendship than the other. And, it is a very rare thing to have two people who consider themselves with the same regard, friendship-wise.

My husband says he can see this is true among women, but says he thinks the emotional connection that women seem to want/need in their friendships with other women, really isn’t there very often with male friendships. Men bond over commonalities, but rarely share really emotional/deep information with one another. And that’s OK with them, because they often find this need fulfilled in their spouse/significant other or through family. But, this weighting of friendships---well it seems to go on a lot with women…at least by my experiences.

To me, one of the worst feelings to have is that you’ve let someone down. But, a close second to that is the realization that someone you consider a very close friend and hold with the highest regard, really only thinks of you as “just a friend.” And, this realization, is something that seems to have bothered me throughout the years as well. I’m not quite sure why…

In the future on this more private blog, I will most likely discuss some of the rewards and the hardships of being a stay-at-home mom(SAHM) for the past 5 years. There are many things people don’t know or understand about it. I guess that means, I’m realizing, that people don’t really know or understand me sometimes. That never was as big of a deal to me, when I had a professional career to focus on—and the rewards and achievements that go with that. But, when you walk away from that, things like your relationships with friends become really important.

You are isolated from a big part of what gave you confidence in life—so everything else becomes more magnified. Your insecurities can run rampant at times. It is very easy to feel ignored, lost, and unimportant—even when you’re doing (what I personally consider) the most important job to your family. There isn’t a “six weeks’ report card” for Moms. There is no “performance review” to tell you that you’re doing a great job. In fact, there are a lot of phases that kids go through that make you convinced you are failing miserably. And so, having a friend who really knows what you feel like and are going through, well that is worth the value of gold, at least emotionally. I am so fortunate to have such a friend in my life right now, and I thank God for her every day.

So, this is where I am right now. Trying really hard to find areas of my life in which I can be strong and confident again. Trying to not let the realization of mis-weighted friendships “weigh” me down emotionally. And feeling really grateful for the friends that I have who know and appreciate me for the person I am today…not the person I was yesterday or who I hope to be tomorrow. That is, a SAHM who has a lot of dreams and aspirations put on hold for others. A woman, still searching for where to make her mark, and learning so much about herself every day. Someone who has a lot to give and who refuses to allow insecurities to make her life unhappy, but who admittedly occasionally lets them get the best of her.

In summary, I’m a work in progress…so stay tuned…