A Case of Involuntary Cat-Slaughter

A chunky blonde in her 30s, looking unkempt and forlorn, stumbles into the cathedral. She makes a beeline to the confessional.

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been...well a lifetime since I confessed. Well, actually, I'm not Catholic. I'm Episcopalian. And, well, you Catholics like to call my religion Catholic-lite. We don't have confessional, but I feel I really need to be here. So, please don't kick me out, OK?

Go ahead, my child.

Well, father, I have had thoughts of ill-will toward my cat. These thoughts have been going on for several years now, but I fear that I am reaching the point of invoking bodily harm or worse on my pet.

What seems to be the problem?

My cat is driving me crazy, Father. I don't even know where to start. First off, my cat is NOT a normal cat. No one really likes her but me, and that's the truth. She hisses at everyone and doesn't like anyone...except for me. And now I am about to kill her.

This sounds very serious. Tell me more...

Well, she seems to take enjoyment in shitting on my floor. She won't stop. And it isn't that her box is dirty. You see, she doesn't like the box if it is too clean OR too dirty. It has to be only slightly used. So, I have a window of about 2 days where she DOESN'T crap somewhere on my carpet. Every morning when I wake up, there it is staring at me...turds. I have started seeing them in my sleep...giant cat turds chasing me around a large sandy beach. Only, it's not really a beach, it's cat litter and I'm sinking in it like quick sand!

Hmm....go on.

It's taking its' toll, Father. Everytime I see the poop on the carpet, I sling horrible profanities out at the cat. I say things I'd never normally say like, "Damn cat! If you poop on my floor again, I'm going to shove it right back where it came from!" or "Die, Mother ##$@er!"

And it isn't just the poop, Father. The cat is so freaking high-maintenance! She has to drink "running water" and only running water from certain faucets. I know it is not hygenic to let her do this, but the cat will literally not drink from anything but a dripping faucet. And now, she's made the sink in my baby's bathroom her designated watering hole. So, when my daugther gets put to bed, or when I go in to check on her during the night, I hear the sound of racing paws up the stairs after me, the muffled mew keeps repeating until it either wakes my daughter up, or until I scramble over to let the faucet drip for the cat.

Do you know that for years I used to buy her canned catfood? Not the cheap kind, the Fancy FEAST! And did she eat it? No, she just licked off the gravy! I payed 49 cents a can for freaking GRAVY! And that's not all. She follows me everywhere, she sheds her long hair all over the carpet and stairs, she doesn't know how to meow properly--she only meows with her mouth shut, so it is this whiney muffled meow that is like the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

That sounds pretty bad. You haven't acted upon any of these evil thoughts have you?

Well, no. But, last night, after she rolled around in all my scrapbooking paper and then woke my daughter up again, I shut her in the guest bathroom. I went back a little later and opened the door. And, Father, she PURRED at me! That's the thing, the more evil thoughts I have towards her, the more she seems to LOVE me. She purred at my feet all night. It is like the "Tell-Tale Heart" or something...her purrs haunt me throughout the night--making me feel guilt for my thoughts.

I can't kill my cat! Do you understand--aside from eternal damnation, I would be disowned by my mother? She has 4 cats herself! My sister has 2-3, my sister-in-laws both have two, and a number of my friends love cats. I even have a close friend who has two of the siblings of my crazy cat! NO ONE WOULD FORGIVE ME! (Well, except maybe my husband, who hates our cat. And my in-laws, who don't care for her much either. And my carpet cleaner...he's really sick of helping me out too.)

I see. (pause)

Your penance is 48 Hail Mary's for the profanities, and 26 Hell Meowies for evil thoughts against your cat. And, my child, should you go through with any of these fatal thoughts....well, I'd skip right over the plea of "involuntary cat-slaughter." Go straight for "insanity." You've got a good shot at that one.

Thank you, Father.