Deep Thoughts Deep in the Night
So, I'm awake again. I know it is Saturday night, and for some the night might be still young, but for me...well, I NEED to be asleep. I haven't slept much this week, haven't eaten right, feel awful physically, etc. And, my mind is racing, and I'm not sure why.
The past month or so, I have been really evaluating my life. I feel like I'm at some sort of a cross-roads, but I'm not sure what that road really is. I just know that I need to change. I need to get it together. The hard part now is knowing which step to take that will lead me down the right road.
But, in the same breath, I also have realized I need to ease up on myself a bit. I hold myself to such standards that I really can never keep, and then I beat myself up for not achieving those goals. And, quite honestly, I'm tired of being mad at myself. And, I'm damn tired of being TIRED all the time because of the things I do to myself.
Maybe it is a part of reaching 35 this year--realizing that I need to let some of this crap go. I have spent my whole life being a perfectionist. My parents tell me now that they never had to punish me growing up--be it for a bad grade, disobeying, or whatever, because I always punished myself. I really wish I could figure out why that was--why I came to be the way I am today.
I am tired of laying awake at night and not being able to sleep because of the million things going through my head that I want to do in my life. But really I want to rest. I want to rest and dream nice things and stop to smell the roses. I want to thank God every day for my blessings--my husband, my kids, my wonderful life, good friends, and my health.
I am not sure why I am thinking this things after midnight on a Saturday night, but I am. And I think it really must mean something. A signal to myself that I'm changing and growing and learning from the past.
And I think this growing older thing, well it really isn't half as bad as some make it sound. If every year that passes, I can love myself a little more than the last and love those around me the way they deserve to be loved, then I look forward to each year that comes. And that's really what makes life worth living.
More deep thoughts later!
The past month or so, I have been really evaluating my life. I feel like I'm at some sort of a cross-roads, but I'm not sure what that road really is. I just know that I need to change. I need to get it together. The hard part now is knowing which step to take that will lead me down the right road.
But, in the same breath, I also have realized I need to ease up on myself a bit. I hold myself to such standards that I really can never keep, and then I beat myself up for not achieving those goals. And, quite honestly, I'm tired of being mad at myself. And, I'm damn tired of being TIRED all the time because of the things I do to myself.
Maybe it is a part of reaching 35 this year--realizing that I need to let some of this crap go. I have spent my whole life being a perfectionist. My parents tell me now that they never had to punish me growing up--be it for a bad grade, disobeying, or whatever, because I always punished myself. I really wish I could figure out why that was--why I came to be the way I am today.
I am tired of laying awake at night and not being able to sleep because of the million things going through my head that I want to do in my life. But really I want to rest. I want to rest and dream nice things and stop to smell the roses. I want to thank God every day for my blessings--my husband, my kids, my wonderful life, good friends, and my health.
I am not sure why I am thinking this things after midnight on a Saturday night, but I am. And I think it really must mean something. A signal to myself that I'm changing and growing and learning from the past.
And I think this growing older thing, well it really isn't half as bad as some make it sound. If every year that passes, I can love myself a little more than the last and love those around me the way they deserve to be loved, then I look forward to each year that comes. And that's really what makes life worth living.
More deep thoughts later!
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 2:39 AM
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