Friday, September 30, 2005

Unconscious detaching...

So, I blogged awhile back about how I chose to drop out of my bunco group. And, I ended up being relieved and felt it was the right decision for me. And, I've made mention of the different wars going on with various groups in my moms' group. These are my two big social outlets, and I'm now about to drop the moms' group too. After the BSB (Back-Stabbing Bitches) took over the group and decided to rip apart several of my closest friends, who were volunteering their time in key leadership roles to help our group, I decided I'd had enough.

In fact, several of us had decided we'd had enough. And, about that time, there just so happened to be a little subgroup meeting that happened one night at a local restaurant known for its choice margaritas and frozen concoctions. And, as it turns out all of these friends happened to be at this meeting and none of the BSB happened to show up. After muy margaritas (and I'd already left), several of these friends concocted their own plan to leave our group behind. The plan was that a small group of us would walk out by years' end, many of us leaving empty key offices in our group. We'd leave and keep our small group intact, naming ourselves "The Margarita Mamas." We'd have NO rules because we wouldn't be affiliated with a national organization. Business meetings? Neh. Meetings with lots of drinking of frozen concoctions? Yes. Charity work or fund raising? No (we're all involved at our churches already). Movie nights, dinners downtown, and fun girl weekend getaways? Oh, my yes! Local dues? No. Jokes and booze? Oh get the picture.

So, after all of this, I realized my membership is up this next month in this group. And, I think I unconsciously started detatching myself from the group without realizing it. It hasn't been hard with all the illnesses in my family lately, coupled with our hectic schedule. I haven't been able to go to anything at all.

So, today I went to a playgroup and left feeling kind of sad because I felt so unconnected to everyone there. There are still people I genuinely like in this group. But, hello? I had to remind myself that this is where I am headed anyway with this. So, why the sadness?

Back when I joined the group, there was so much I loved about it. We had members from all over the world with such diverse backgrounds. One look at the resumes of these ladies and you were very impressed--bank VPs, PhDs, and lawyers. In fact, I was one of only a few who didn't have a master's degree. But, what made the group so special and cherished to me was the fact that we were diverse and different from one another, but that's what we enjoyed. I had no trouble talking to someone who had vastly different political or religious beliefs than my own. Some of our members from other countries had a lot of opinions about how our country was being run too, yet they remained fairly respectful in sharing their views.

In short, it was a pleasurable learning experience for someone like me to be in this group. I grew up in a very small Texas town where nothing ever changes. I left for college and never returned, but was not exposed to that many different cultures and viewpoints until well after college. I loved the fact that our group had things like "culture" night, "talent" night, and even a discussion on religion one night. And, miraculously, we did all of this without any big arguments or debates. We had a group of 30 or so very strong-minded women who had come from positions of authority in their careers, who chose to stay home for awhile with their kids, and managed to merge into this fascinating and amazing group.

And, then it fell apart. I think that is why I am sad now. I'm in mourning for that old group. The BSB infiltrated our group with their cliques and mindset that if you are different, you don't belong. It was as if I was back in sorority days from college...where I never quite fit in because of these things. The BSB recruited in other BSBs and flooded our group with cattiness, picking apart anyone who didn't fit their mold and finding people to harass like little kids in grade school picking on the "uncool" kid. One by one, our unique members started dropping off for various reasons. A few of us have held on, remembering how great the group once was. We've taken our turn holding leadership roles to try and change the group dynamic back, but it just hasn't worked. It's over.

It makes me sad that I have put so much energy and time into this group and I am now walking away. But, I guess one thing I am learning is that nothing lasts forever. And you can't keep holding on to something if it only brings you stress and unhappiness. So, I will let go of this too sadly. I only hope that our small group can continue to get together.

I have also wondered a lot today about why I have always had this need to fill my life with this bigger social groups and a hectic social schedule. And, yet ironically, I never fully let my walls down to really get to know a lot in these big groups. I only let in a few people as my close confidants. I guess that's the subject for some other blog, but it certainly is something to think about...


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