17 days and counting...

My son has 17 days left of kindergarten. And, I am counting down each day, looking forward to putting the year behind us.

It isn't that he's had an awful year, gotten into any trouble or earned poor grades. It isn't that I hated his teacher, felt too sad about him being in "big kid" school now or that he had bad experiences with another child in his class. The reason I will count every day, has more to do with my son's soul. A soul that I feel has not been nourished for almost nine months.

I am learning that a child's emotional levels and confidence can really be affected a lot by their school environment, and it doesn't matter what you do at home you cannot always make up for problems at school with love at home. A child's soul is like a flower. It needs watering, attention, and special fertilizers to grow. Each flower is different, and each needs different fertilizers, different amounts of water, and varied sunlight to thrive. My son's soul hasn't been cultivated this year in his class, and I watch each day hoping he won't come out of this year with a disdain for school entirely.

I cannot say that my son has been treated poorly by his teacher. There is not one specific thing I can say that has made this year a disappointment for his father and me and for him. It is more the feeling we have had all year long.

My son morphed this year from being the first child to finish his star/reward chart in preschool and being told he was special, to never getting stars at school at all and practically being invisible to his teacher. He does not get special recognitions or extra hugs just for being who he is. It is almost as if he's ignored completely. And, as a mother, that breaks my heart.

I went to an open house last night geared for parents to see their children's work and talk to the teacher about their progress and readiness for the next grade. When I arrived, I was given a hello but left to figure out what we were supposed to look through. I later approached the teacher and tried to talk to her about his performance, which has waned a little lately (although he's doing just enough to go to first grade). She didn't have a lot of words for me about him. And, then it dawned on me that she really didn't know my son at all.

Now, my mother was a teacher. I know with a classroom of more than 20 children, it is hard to bond with each and every one. But, I don't think she understands at all how he operates. I don't think she knows how very shy he can be or how he masks his disappointment when he misses an answer or nervousness about not knowing something asked. She does not know that when he says "I don't know" or "I don't remember" many times it is because he's avoiding a confrontation, not tattling or trying to get someone else in trouble. She doesn't understand that his little stomach hurts most every night, he has nightmares, and worries entirely too much for a 6-year-old about what happens each day at school.

When we started the year, we had so many parents come to us and rave about this teacher and tell us how wonderful she was with their child. While at the open house, a neighbor popped in with her first grader to say hello. Her son had this teacher last year and I watched as the teacher acted bubbly and happy to see him, very affectionate and complementary of this little boy, who coincidentally is a very good friend of my son's and plays/thinks a whole lot like him. And, I was left wondering what we had done wrong this year and why he didn't have that first year of school experience too?

Did I not bond enough with the teacher? I volunteered once a month to help her prepare projects for the class, I read to the class twice and will again before we read the end of the year. I emailed her when I had questions and told her I appreciated all that she did. I was an active, but not obtrusive parent, available when she needed me. So, where did we go wrong?

First grade, I have been told, moves at a very fast pace. In kindergarten, the kids learned to read, starting at a Level 1 and moving to a Level 4. Next year, they begin at Level 4 and move to a Level 18 by the end of the year. There is less time for "coddling" than kindergarten. I've been told there are less hugs and there is less time to bond. But, my son has not had that this year at all. So, will he be a step ahead for next year because of that or be craving that so desperately that he continues his attitude of wishing each morning he could stay home instead of going to his class?

This year he has gotten by and will go on to the next level as an average student. He will see kindergarten teacher next year and probably smile and wave. And, I just wonder if she will wave back and feel good about her year with him and wonder what great things he'll accomplish as he grows up? Or will she remember him at all?

This summer will be one of rebuilding for me with my son's soul. His garden needs tending, his confidences need fertilizing, I must try and pull the weeds that have grown over the parts of his heart to protect them from the hurt. He needs the sunlight to shine brightly showing his artistic abilities, his fantastic creativity, his compassion for his friends, and so many other things that make him the amazing little person that he is. I just hope that I can repair the damages done this year, so that next year he can jump into first grade and flourish and thrive like the special person I know him to be.