The Highs and Lows
So, I am hesitant to post this and don't know if I will even as I type this out. But, I am going to write about it at least, to get it off my chest. Here I am, just one day after the enormous high of running my first 5K and doing pretty well, and I had a meltdown of epic portion this afternoon.
How is it possible to feel like you're on the top of the world one minute, and all alone and at the bottom the next? Do I need to be medicated or something? Sometimes I feel like maybe I do. I don't know what is going on with me, but I wish I could get a handle on it more than anything.
I lost it today with my husband over something that bothered me. It still bothers me, but I regret not being able to communicate that to him in a better way other than screaming and crying. And, I don't know if I can blame hormones, or just general instability or what.
Here is what I do know. I am a good person. I am a good friend. And, I can be a good spouse. I'm a good mother. I am honest, loyal, and giving. But, I look hard at myself, and at my family and upbringing, and I can't include stable and even-tempered on that list. And I absolutely hate that about myself, more than anything.
Writing this honestly feels good, but the jaded/pessimistic side of me knows that it does two things: 1>it makes me sound kind of pathetic and possibly ruins any "perfect" image of me that others might have (ha--if one even still exists!) and 2> it also makes me very vulnerable to being hurt by someone.
I can't handle feelings from number one, and definitely can't handle the second thing at all right now. I have been hurt and back-stabbed too many times and I am afraid I'm just broken right now. I have found myself not wanting to open up to real people anymore, instead pouring my soul out to a computer screen. But, a screen doesn't hug you back or tell you it will be OK. In reality though, neither do friends or spouses at times when you need it. And, maybe that's why I have so attached myself to blogging--it is an "impersonal" way of being "personal," without the risk of being hurt "in person." (Is that enough persons in there for you?)
All I know about myself right now is that I have some serious issues, whether they are medical or mental, that I need to figure out. I need to understand why I have these mood swings. I need to know where I get this extreme insecurity and even jealousy over the silliest of things. And I need to figure it out now--or risk alienating myself further from friends and family.
I need to figure out why all my life I have had this feeling of loneliness, all the while being surrounded by a wonderful family and amazing friends. I am truly blessed with both those things in my life and a support system and I thank God for it almost every day. Why then have I always felt so misunderstood and, when you get right down to it, alone in the world?
That feeling is not a new one, I remember feeling that way a lot when I grew up. Feeling like people liked me OK, and on the outside I seemed really normal, but on the inside I felt so different and alone. Some might say that was just part of growing up. Why then am I still feeling it? And how can I make that go away or will it ever? If it won't, I need to find a way to make peace with that and learn to keep my emotions more in check.
All my life I have worn my heart on my sleeve and ended up feeling a lot of disappointment in my relationships when others don't get me or are not there for me like I feel I am there for them. I am tired of feeling that disappointment. I want to feel connected and appreciated. I want to stop wallowing in self-pity and just feel happy. I need the magic pill that will do that for me, or something that will make me feel like I'm not so different, so alone.
If I post this blog, I will turn comments off. I don't want/need consoling and I'm really fine (to all my wonderful friends out there). Blogging has gotten me back to writing, which has helped me get back in touch with the real me. At times, that may not be pretty. It might be downright whiney and annoying for others to read. But, it is me. And, right now, I think what's most important--that I be true to myself as I learn and strive to be stronger and more the person I know I can be.
How is it possible to feel like you're on the top of the world one minute, and all alone and at the bottom the next? Do I need to be medicated or something? Sometimes I feel like maybe I do. I don't know what is going on with me, but I wish I could get a handle on it more than anything.
I lost it today with my husband over something that bothered me. It still bothers me, but I regret not being able to communicate that to him in a better way other than screaming and crying. And, I don't know if I can blame hormones, or just general instability or what.
Here is what I do know. I am a good person. I am a good friend. And, I can be a good spouse. I'm a good mother. I am honest, loyal, and giving. But, I look hard at myself, and at my family and upbringing, and I can't include stable and even-tempered on that list. And I absolutely hate that about myself, more than anything.
Writing this honestly feels good, but the jaded/pessimistic side of me knows that it does two things: 1>it makes me sound kind of pathetic and possibly ruins any "perfect" image of me that others might have (ha--if one even still exists!) and 2> it also makes me very vulnerable to being hurt by someone.
I can't handle feelings from number one, and definitely can't handle the second thing at all right now. I have been hurt and back-stabbed too many times and I am afraid I'm just broken right now. I have found myself not wanting to open up to real people anymore, instead pouring my soul out to a computer screen. But, a screen doesn't hug you back or tell you it will be OK. In reality though, neither do friends or spouses at times when you need it. And, maybe that's why I have so attached myself to blogging--it is an "impersonal" way of being "personal," without the risk of being hurt "in person." (Is that enough persons in there for you?)
All I know about myself right now is that I have some serious issues, whether they are medical or mental, that I need to figure out. I need to understand why I have these mood swings. I need to know where I get this extreme insecurity and even jealousy over the silliest of things. And I need to figure it out now--or risk alienating myself further from friends and family.
I need to figure out why all my life I have had this feeling of loneliness, all the while being surrounded by a wonderful family and amazing friends. I am truly blessed with both those things in my life and a support system and I thank God for it almost every day. Why then have I always felt so misunderstood and, when you get right down to it, alone in the world?
That feeling is not a new one, I remember feeling that way a lot when I grew up. Feeling like people liked me OK, and on the outside I seemed really normal, but on the inside I felt so different and alone. Some might say that was just part of growing up. Why then am I still feeling it? And how can I make that go away or will it ever? If it won't, I need to find a way to make peace with that and learn to keep my emotions more in check.
All my life I have worn my heart on my sleeve and ended up feeling a lot of disappointment in my relationships when others don't get me or are not there for me like I feel I am there for them. I am tired of feeling that disappointment. I want to feel connected and appreciated. I want to stop wallowing in self-pity and just feel happy. I need the magic pill that will do that for me, or something that will make me feel like I'm not so different, so alone.
If I post this blog, I will turn comments off. I don't want/need consoling and I'm really fine (to all my wonderful friends out there). Blogging has gotten me back to writing, which has helped me get back in touch with the real me. At times, that may not be pretty. It might be downright whiney and annoying for others to read. But, it is me. And, right now, I think what's most important--that I be true to myself as I learn and strive to be stronger and more the person I know I can be.
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 12:05 AM
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