Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Where my heart is today...

Maybe it is the gray sky out,
and the cool breeze finally showing us winter...
Maybe it is thinking about those insecurities,
that you wish you could forever lose...
Perhaps it is just this place you are in right now,
a situation that is meant to exist to take you to new places and help you grow.

But, life just feels really down today, and you aren't sure why.

The chores,
the money going out on holiday gifts,
the Christmas to-dos that never end...
all have drained you to the point you are today,
feeling like not doing anything at all.

The lack of connection you continue to feel with those around you,
the feelings of being forgotten or unmentioned in the lives of those you care about,
the broken blue toe you have from tripping on the stairs...just days before a race in which you don't know if you can compete.

Life is really subdued for you now, and you aren't sure why.

Tomorrow you know these feelings will fade,
you will move on to different things.
But, the numbing insecurities will remain,
until you get to the root of why they are there.

This is not the person you want to be,
and these are not words of strength and control.
They are not thoughts you are proud to share.

These are just the ramblings of a woman,
still trying to figure out where she is meant to be,
why she often feels so meaningless to others,
and why that even matters to her at all,
who needs to lift her spirit up and march on.

This is where my heart is today...

11 Comments:

Blogger Elaine said...

Oh, hon! I so hear you on this. Some days are so hard and with the craziness of the season, it's so easy to let the world get away from you. I'll be thinking of you and sending you some yummy good energy so that tomorrow can be a better day. Thanks you so much for sharing your heart over at om!

3:26 PM, December 07, 2005  
Anonymous irene said...

so beautifully written.

3:54 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Babs said...

I'm feeling just like you right now... and strangely, I feel a little better knowing that you feel the same way. Thanks for posting.

5:49 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Vanessa said...

This is just a bluesy time of year, I think. Hope you're feeling better tomorrow!

7:16 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Oh gosh, your feelings are exactly what inspired my decision to get a frontal lobotomy for Christmas! I'm with Babs. Thanks for making me feel not-so-alone.

9:36 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Carol said...

I'm so sorry about your toe...after you just got so much confidence to do the race!

Hang in there. You could always do what i'm doing - blow off the holidays until the last minute and then just do what you can do.

10:45 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger christina said...

You could have written that for me, about me Steph. Ugh. What's up with the approaching holiday season spreading so much glumness and stress? Everyone it seems is kindof feeling that way of late--in blogworld and in the real world both.

Hope you feel better tomorrow!

11:19 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Karen Rani said...

I love the way you wrote this....I hope you feel better soon!

5:31 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Masked Mom said...

You really captured the kind of day I think we've all had from time to time. Hope things are looking up...

7:17 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Tyra said...

I'm sorry to hear you feel so down. Maybe a case of pre-holiday blues?

I understand feeling like you don't really matter. I battle that a lot, sometimes I feel so alone. But then I look into the faces of my children and know that I matter to them.

Hope your toe is feeling better.

7:58 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger KB said...

I feel very much like that today. Hope you're feelin better. I myself plan on having a much better day tomorrow :)

thanks for posting over at MSO

11:26 PM, December 14, 2005  

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