Monday, February 27, 2006

10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be on Yet Another @#$@! Diet

  1. You have choked down so many vegetables that you have started having flashbacks to childhood dinners of washing down green peas with milk. In a strange move, your esophagus remembers too, falling into that old half-fake gagging technique you used to try on your parents that never really worked.
  2. You know all of those washed-down vegetables? Yeah...let's just say they're having more fun on their exit than they are on their way in. How do vegetarians live this way, I ask you?
  3. Your stomach has gone from soft murmurs of hunger at night to belting out Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody while you try to sleep.
  4. Your husband's snoring has started sounding a lot like "there's bacon in the fridge...there's bacon in the fridge."
  5. Your well-meaning family members take to saying things like, "Oh, that looks really good. I wish I had that instead" as you dine on your frozen veggies, brown rice, and sucky diced chicken. This might be believable, if they were not dining on chicken cordon bleu at the time. The lucky bastards...
  6. You swear the kids' Valentine chocolate kisses were trying to seduce you today. "C'mon, sweet thing. You know you want it. I'm hot in this heart-shaped box. Take off my foil baby...just take it off!"
  7. While sorting out scrapbooking papers, your mouth actually started to drool at a deep rich chocolate one. Just one little bite???
  8. Every freakin' person you know has either lost 15-20 pounds in a matter of weeks, they're going on a fantastic vacation, or they've done both. You aren't doing either, damn it!
  9. Celebrity Fit Club starts to become Must-See TV. Oddly, you find yourself ignoring the freakiness and starting to feel a spiritual one-ness with the likes of Bruce Villanch.
  10. In two days, it is Shrove Tuesday...a.k.a. "Fat Tuesday," the ONE day that you could celebrate what is your greatest weakness in life by inhaling a huge dinner of pancakes and bacon at church. Only, now, you don't even you could enjoy that if you wanted to...

In conclusion, I'd like to point out that the word "diet" does, in fact, have the word "die" in it.

Coincidence? I think NOT!!!


Blogger Shelli said...

Very funny! You forgot to mention the Girl Scout cookies! They are calling to me as I write this!

3:16 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Girl Scout Thin Mints are my downfall.

I just read that when you want to cheat, drink a big glass of water. I doubt that would stop me but you seem stronger than me.

Diet is a four letter word.

6:22 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Viamarie said...

Dieting...what a big sacrifice!

Have a great week ahead.

6:52 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Tyra said...

Well, you know that I'm totally agreeing with you on this one!!

7:54 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

You are so funny. You know the first two weeks of a diet are always the hardest. Then those chocolate cake fantasies begin to fade a bit. Keep at it, girl! :)

8:40 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Lisabell said...

you are sooooo right. i'm right there with ya.

9:39 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Babs said...

oh yeah, I can totally identify with #5... especially when you're out to eat with friends and you watch them POURING on the dressing on their salad. I do love me some ranch dressing!

10:03 AM, February 27, 2006  
Anonymous Shannon (sentimental) said...

Oh I can so say I agree. The diet and exercise is my latest craze lately and I won't lie, it SUCKS! Demonstrating my frustration only works by typing SUCKS in all caps! I contemplated a Krispy Kreme Diet over the weekend and I believed I could make it work!

10:25 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger "D" said...

I can never decide if I simply want to eat less, or exersize more. Well, actually, I'd prefer to eat more and lay around more... your #4 cracked me up!!! Thank you, I sure needed it today!

10:35 AM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Karen Rani said...

When I'm on the vegetable kick - I can fart louder than my husband. GOOD LUCK!

12:03 PM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Lisa said...

LMAO about Celebrity Fit Club! I thought I was the only one!! I love the last show where it shows them shrinking. I started watching this season because of Kelly LeBrock and ended up being in love with Bruce Vilanch. HA!

12:56 PM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger Vanessa said...

Oh yeah, the Girl Scout Cookies are EVERYWHERE. Bad time to try to diet.

5:30 PM, February 27, 2006  
Blogger FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

Diet I don't take very seriously though it's good for the health. But to hell with it. Will all die anyway, so why not enjoy. I do diet but in my own way and what I feel is right for me. I just eliminated sodas in my diet which I could not live without before. I don't take rice at night. I only have 1 heavy meal in a day which is lunch.

7:00 PM, February 27, 2006  
Anonymous Nicole said...

I'm with you on all counts sister. And apparently my MIL is sending a "goodie box" to us on Wednesday which will not contain anything I can eat. So much for good.

You're eventually going to die, it's true, but at least you won't die fat ;)

9:54 AM, February 28, 2006  
Blogger Lazy Daisy said...

Celebrity Fit Club a must see...girlfriend you had me laughing in the isles! The snoring saying there's bacon in the fridge....another classic!

Yummy veggies...try stir frying them!

11:48 AM, February 28, 2006  
Blogger Chrixean said...

I'd be laughing really hard right now if i weren't pregnant and gagging on the sucky brown rice and vegetables I had to shovel down my mouth everyday!

2:49 AM, March 01, 2006  
Blogger andrea said...

These kicked ass, had my laughing at each one.
Great post!

8:05 PM, March 01, 2006  

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