Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Realizing I'm so lucky...

The day started off really rough again today. This time change has taken it out of just about everyone in my house. My son decided to pour his cereal milk all over the table and his clothes and then not tell me about it until the last minute. (I say decided, because if you had seen this spill you'd understand--there was no way that it was an accidental one.) I don't know if he didn't want to go to school, didn't want to wear what I'd pulled out for him this morning or what.

What I do know is that I overreached. I have had a sore throat and felt crappy for three days now. I fell off my good diet bandwagon last Friday and am just getting back to eating right. Not so coincidentally, I have been unable to sleep at night and have felt awful. If you think food doesn't affect your physical well-being in big ways, start eating very healthy for a good while and then try to eat fried taquitos and other artery-cloggers for a few days. You will be amazed at what happens.

So, I laid into my son. I did not handle it well and really jumped all over him. It took him so long to change and get ready again that he missed the bus on the first stop and had to rush to the second one to catch it. I did take the time to bend down to his level and tell him that I love him and hug him before he got on that bus. But, I still felt awful for getting so upset with him. You can't take back harsh words said out of exhaustion and frustration.

And, then I came back and read about a very tragic story on Genuine's blog and followed the links to the family's website. Ben passed away from a horrible and rare kind of tumor that took his life very quickly. Reading this family's blog of when they discovered the condition, to how quickly things changed healthwise for their son, just tore my heart to shreds. I also wondered if this wasn't some direct message to me about my own son and my parenting missteps.

Ben would have been six on August 11th. My son turns seven on August 4th. I have already been blessed with more time with my child than Ben's dear family will ever get. Is it really so important to berate a six year old over purposely spilling his milk to try and be late for school?

I wish I could drive up to my son's school and hug him right now and take back any words I have ever said in anger. I wish I could erase the marks those kind of moments certainly make on his heart--for those kind of marks don't always fade with time. How could I take my dear son for granted for even one second of the day? I'm just so blessed to have him in my life and I need to remember that. I guess Ben's story was important for me to read today...


Blogger FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

It really is very difficult sometimes when you have to discipline your kid. It's the afterwards that hurts. You feel guilty for doing or saying such things but don't because that's just what they want us parents to feel. Discipline is discipline. You can sorry when he comes home but not for what you said or done to him but sorry in a different way.

9:04 AM, April 04, 2006  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

I read Genuine's blog too, and was heartbroken. We went to the funeral of a ten-year-old who died from brain cancer about a year ago and it was just so very, very sad.

10:32 AM, April 05, 2006  

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