In My Shoes....

Have you ever had a series of events unfold that make something come together for you out of nowhere? Perhaps it is a realization about a relationship or an awakening to a time in your life that you never really understood before? If so, do you believe it was really just a fluke or some sort of fate at work in your life?

This happens to me often, and I believe it is God working in his subtle ways to teach me and help me figure out things in my life. Sometimes the realizations come like thunderbolts, but most often they sneak up on me. Tonight was like this for me.

I had a scare this week with this blog. I may have been "outed" to someone who doesn't know I write on here. You see, I've never shared with anyone in my family that I have this blog. When I started, I had another more family-friendly/photo blog of my kids milestones and it just made sense to keep this private and separate--a place for me to talk about some private thoughts and memories I have. Things that could be hurtful to the people I love most, so I would never want them to read them.

So, my only sister may have found and read this site. I don't think she has, but she may have stumbled across it innocently. And, if she did, she may have been hurt by a few of my posts. I guess my hope is that if she did read it, she read a lot of it and may have a different understanding of me than she previously did, if nothing else.

You see, what I think my sister see in me, is not who I really am as a whole person. She seems to quickly label people, and acts as if she knows me so well, but often says things to make me realize she is way off of base. To her, I am in one clean box, that she can label and put away or pull out as she needs. I am the older one. I am the one Mom compared her to for many years. I am the one who didn't rebel, didn't get into trouble, and didn't mess up as much as she felt she did. To my sister who is so much younger than me, I am a lecturing older one who doesn't know how to cut loose, party, and have fun. I am someone she loves and resents fiercely all in the same breath. She can tell me I am her very best friend in one moment, and curse my back the next. She thinks she knows me, just as my mother feels she knows me. But, her vision and her ability to see me is clouded by her own quick judgment. And, I admit, I may be guilty of this with her at times as well.

When I found out that my sister found certain links that might lead her to this site, I was panicked. My husband told me I should strip off some of the older writings that might be hurtful. But, a part of me doesn't want that. I do not want to hurt her, but honestly, I would love to have her understand me. Really know me for a change, instead of assuming things about me. So, I will leave things as they are, and take my chances. I can hope that if she reads these words, she will read all I have had to say and try to open her mind to what life was like growing up in my shoes.

A movie took me back tonight, to living as the bigger sister. When you are many years older, you hear the arguments over money. You are the one to take your sister by the hand and lead her into another room, and let her play with your Barbies and things to distract her. When you are the older one, you know the words that are being said and you the seriousness that resides in what they mean. You know about the lies, even though your parents don't really realize that you know. You know about the drinking, the hidden bills, and the covering up of things. You see the disappointment and despair in a mother's eyes when she realizes another lie has been told. On some of those days when the yelling gets too bad, you take your sister outside to play where she can't hear. But you do. And you live with the fear that it creates every day.

You carry this on your shoulders for a long time, until it is time for you to go away to college. And, when you leave, you worry a lot about leaving her behind, this emotional little girl who can't get along with her parents, who you have tried to help for so long. So, you try from afar, to be the peacemaker between your parents and her. You try to make her see that you do understand how she's feeling, but also you understand them. You try to make it all work, but you are far away. You have started your own life and the stress of trying to fix theirs has become too much. You are spread so thin by it all that you feel sick insdie. You start to resent her for never being able to get her act together. And things seem to only be getting worse with all of them. You feel like a hamster running on the wheel trying desperately to patch up the hurt, but never getting anywhere.

You cry at nights, have horrible tension headaches, and things in your marriage start to crumble from the stress of it all. And, finally, you realize you have to close yourself off from it now. You have to make it clear that you can't help them all like this anymore, or you will be lost forever. You decide to claim your own life and push back from theirs, hoping things will work themselves out.

And, they do, over time, without you. But, then you are left feeling separate and quite alone from the people who raised you. You learn that all the years you tried to help, you were only actually helping to build more resentment towards you by your little sister. Now, as you talk to your family, you realize that they still think of you as the person you used to be all those years ago, when you have actually changed so much. But, they can't see that because you don't let them in enough to see it. The things you did to move on and live your life, took you away from them and they don't even know that really.

So, if my sister were to read this, I'd want her to know I love her and always will. A movie I watched tonight spoke to me so deeply about our relationship and made me realize that she probably doesn't know what life was like from my point of view all those years ago, because she was so young. Her memories are mine, yes, but there were things I knew about that she was too young to understand. And, maybe that is part of the reason I am who I am today and she is who she is. And, instead of berating her and letting it drive me crazy that she does not operate the same way as I do, I am left with the understanding that we are who we are for a reason. Without her, I guess I would not really be me. And, I guess, the same can be said for her.

And, I am left with the understanding now that we should be thankful for one another, even with all of our differences. And, I hope one day she can realize this too...