Monday, July 10, 2006

Deathwish 2006?

Do I have a deathwish? I am starting to wonder if I do.

I've just almost talked myself into signing up for another running program. This one is closer to my home (a plus), BUT (...I like big butts and I cannot lie...giggle) it is a half-to-full marathon training program. A half marathon? Am I NUTS?

First some facts before you tell me to go for it and get all supportive on me. (I KNOW how you commenters are, so don't even sass me on that one!)

1. I have health conditions. (Note the "s" there.) No, I am not on my deathbed, nor am I dying of any sort of disease, nor are any of my conditions life-threatening. They are barely worth mentioning really. I have diabetes (treated by medication--not insulin), I have a thyroid condition, I have flat feet that I have each broken at least once in my short and non-noteworthy youth sports career.

2. I am overweight. I blogged awhile back about being told by a rather petite runner how all runners have a certain build--lightweight and wiry. Um, I am not that. Even when I am thin (if I can remember that far back), I am not "wiry." 'Dems some big-ass bones I was blessed with, folks! My frame isn't going to change and so am I really cut out for this?

3. I can't handle another failure in my life right now. I've gained back some of the weight I lost. I am feeling really sort of down about that. I tend to start getting negative or give up when I feel I can't do something well. It's that darn perfectionist thing again--if I can't be pretty darn good then I just won't do it because why bother really?

With all of these reasons, I am still considering this. Which makes me come back to that deathwish thing.

Wikipedia defines a "deathwish" as:
A deathwish is English idiom for the complete disregard of one's own personal safety, well-being or best interests. For example, an individual who walks alone and unarmed in an area notorious for mugging may be said to have a deathwish. A deathwish does not necessarily indicate a desire to die, but rather an indifference to the prospect of death or negative consequence.

The reasons for an individual having a deathwish are numerous. Examples include:

  • Naivety or ignorance of the circumstances.

  • An uncontrollable rage.

  • An all-consuming obsession for revenge.

  • Mental illness or personality disorder.

  • Loss of the will to live.

There is always some underlying cause of a deathwish which needs to be addressed before the individual comes to harm.

Well, let's go through that list, shall we?

Am I naive or ignorant to this situation I may get myself into? No, I may be stupid, but I have done the homework on what it will entail.

Do I have an uncontrollable rage? Well, at times I lose my temper, but that has more to do with the wee-ones painting the kitchen chairs with pudding or the son creating a nice urine wall mural in my bathroom instead of hitting the toilet. So, I'd say NO to that one.

Do I have mental illness or a personality disorder? Those who know me well can speak on this one--or wait, let me ask one of my 4 other personas--there's "lazy couch potato" Patty, "spastic cleaning nerdfag" Nikki, "nighttime munchy" Mindy, and some guy named Roy (I haven't figured this one out yet!) To whom should I ask this question again?

Have I lost my will to live? Well, no. There are times when I feel like I could--like about three nights into my latest bout of insomnia that had me cleaning my laundry room at 2 a.m., but that passes with a little rest.

It's that last italicized line is what gets me. Why am I doing this and is this going to cause me harm in the end? That I do not know.

I do know that this will mean sacrifices---running by about 7 a.m. every Saturday on my only day to sleep in. Training for this thing, which will require 3-4 runs on my own a week--which also means dropping a few of my beloved workout classes at the gym for jogging instead. I have a million hobbies and projects staring at me in the face every day and night, and I never get to them. Why in the world would I add another? My husband is starting his new job tomorrow too, and I have no idea what kind of work schedule he'll have now.

With all of that, there is a big part of me that feels like I need to do this too. There is something still missing in my life that keeps me up at night. Something that makes me feel restless and dissatisfied. And, I think it is really something deep inside me. The only time I felt I was coming to peace with myself was the last time I did this, even though it was a training program on a much smaller scale.

So, tell me blog jury, what say ye? Read my reasons and read the negatives. Give me some honest feedback here, not a rah-rah speech. I really must decide by this Saturday to register in time.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Lucre said...

hi! i'm from argentina, so my english is very bad; i didn't understand a thing... but for some reason i like very mcuch your web site... i'll sure come back!

10:20 PM, July 10, 2006  
Blogger Thumper said...

Do it. Clearly define what you wuill consider to be a success--just finishing the half marathon, finishing it within a specific time, etc--and then just do it. As long as you train smart, it's entirely doable. No, runners are not always thin and wiry...Ever watch the Iron Man Triathlons? There are a couple of very not wirey guys doing them. One comes right out and says he's a fat guy who's otherwise fit. He didn't let that stop him.

You won't ever regret giving it a shot, but you probably would regret not trying.

12:05 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

Death wish! I don't have one yet. Maybe when the time has come, then only then will I know what I really would like.

2:55 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger speedygeoff said...

Nikki wants to do every step of the training program, Roy's only objective in life is to run the race and then retire, Patty will be in her element after the race, and you can pretty well ignore Mindy.

2:59 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger LadyBugCrossing said...

Go for the gusto! Toss caution to the wind. Heck, why not? Those endorphins will make you feel great when you finish running...
LBC

7:01 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger Crazy MomCat said...

HA! LOL, Geoff! Yeah, I hope everyone realizes I was totally kidding there--no MPD here! (Yet!)

7:57 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger Nicole said...

I don't know what to say...I hate running personally. Maybe you should look into competitive swimming? Easier on the feet. My husband has broken/flat feet issues and running always ends up taking a toll....

10:00 AM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger Lazy Daisy said...

Set realistice goals, pace yourself and know when to say no if other aspects of life are too much. I read how you used to run competitively so see that it must be something you enjoyed at one time and would like to rekindle.

In order to do this you must put aside perfectionism.

Best of luck ..keep us posted.
Today's Barbara's birthday if you want to wish her a happy one.

2:08 PM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger Masked Mom said...

But, but, what if the rah rah is honest rah rah? Is that acceptable?

Seriously, I completely envy your desire (I get winded just considering your pros and cons) and even if you don't "succeed" trying should count for something.

Keep us posted!

4:02 PM, July 11, 2006  
Blogger Babaloo said...

It sounds like your decision centers around your last (second to last) paragraph where you talked about coming to peace with yourself and how you found that the last time you trained. Was it the training? The sense of accomplishment? The routine? Something else going on during that period of your life?

Somewhere within those questions will be your answer. Good luck!

4:25 PM, July 11, 2006  
Anonymous Vicki said...

I think you feel better when you run - by your last example. But maybe it would be better to start smaller. (or maybe even finding a new activity for exercise)

Good Luck no matter what you choose!

6:54 PM, July 11, 2006  

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