Thursday, August 24, 2006

What It Really Meant to Me...

My romantic weekend getaway surprise to celebrate my husband and my 14th wedding anniversary was really great, but I haven't been able to write yet about how truly pivotal it was in our relationship.

Perhaps some of you who have been married or committed to someone for awhile can relate. You have some kids and get into the routine of things. And, it seems like the connection that was once there between the two of you fades and all that seems to glare back at you are the things you have to give up to be together. Marriage always involves compromise and sacrifice. I was fortunate enough to marry someone who has very similar taste to myself. Our interests overlap in many areas.

But, our relationship is not perfect. In fact, we've been on shaky ground more than once over the past few years. I would be lying if I didn't say I wondered sometimes if we'd make it. I'm sure my husband could say the same as well. Our friendship and commonality is truly a gift, but our disconnects are serious enough that they could spell the end of things if we let them.

That's why my husband's surprise bowled me over this weekend. For years I have dropped little hints about things that I like, mainly for birthdays and such, thinking he wasn't listening. He's always given me wonderful gifts and things and is a very thoughtful and helpful partner, especially with the day-to-day stuff. So, I couldn't really complain. But, I still felt like he didn't really "get" it at times.

When we pulled up to the beautiful bed and breakfast that he'd arranged for us without my knowing, I really felt overwhelmed. In fact, I think he was surprised by my reaction and not sure how to take it. I wasn't jumping up and down with excitement. I was sort of dumb-founded.

That's mainly because I don't feel like the past few years has been easy for him, in terms of living with me. That's not to say my husband doesn't have his moments of grumpiness or stubbornness. But, the past year I have found my mood swings to be extreme. My health problems have brought on some depression that I've refused to acknowledge or admit to, and I realize that now. I don't always appreciate my family in the way that I should. When I am stressed, I push people away most often. That is when I want to be alone most of all.

Being told you have a disease that you will have to take medication for all your life and you will have to change your lifestyle completely is something that I cannot explain to you. The optimist in me (there is one in there, I promise) tried to make light of it and tried to think about how much harder it would be had I been put on insulin. But, repressed deep down I was mad at the world. It wasn't fair that I had to watch every piece of food in my mouth and being 20 pounds overweight was very dangerous when there were people who were hundreds of pound overweight with no problems. And, then there was the thinking about my kids and whether or not they will get this too, and that's the most difficult thing to mention at all.

So, I don't think my husband always understood why I was moody or what exactly was wrong, because honestly I have not fully understood it either. I am lucky enough to have a spouse who likes to show physical affection and, yet, I am the one who seems to push that away when I am down or stressed out.

So, as I sat in our beautiful room the first night of our weekend getaway, I shook my head and repeatedly said I did not deserve this gift and I would never be able to thank him enough for giving it to me. But, then I realized that I had to let that go. I had to enjoy this time and use it to make things better for us. I had to try to do the right thing for us and let go of my own self-doubt and insecurities.

And, so I did. What resulted was the rekindling of everything between us in only a matter of days. I give my husband credit for making it happen, but I also allowed myself to be open to it. And, what hit me so deeply in the midst of this romantic trip was that, no matter where our disconnects may be or how deep our problems are, I will never in my life find anyone who loves me as much as my husband does. Never. He truly wants my every happiness and wants to be the one to be there for me always.

So, to my husband who gave me the gift of realizing I had unconditional love, I leave you with this song that was sung at our wedding. It was an older song even back then, but the words just spoke to me as a new bride. And, now I realize, that I must have forgotten since then how true these words really are. Thank you, DaddyCat, for everything. I love you always!

Nobody Loves Me Like You Do
Like a candle burning bright
Love is glowing in your eyes
A flame to light our way
That burns brighter everyday
Now I have you
Nobody loves me like you do

Like a leaf upon the wind
I could find no place to land
I dreamed the hours away
And wondered everyday
Do dreams come true
Nobody loves me like you do

What if I'd never met you
Where would I be right now
Funny how life just falls in place somehow
You've touched my heart in places
That I never even knew
Nobody loves me like you do

I was words without a tune
I was a song still unsung
A poem with no rhyme
A dancer out of time
But now there's you
And nobody loves me like you do

What if I'd never met you
Where would I be right now
Funny how life just falls in place somehow
You've touched my heart in places
That I never even knew
Nobody loves me
Nobody loves me
Nobody loves me like you do
Nobody loves me like you do


Blogger Masked Mom said...

I know this is completely and totally not the point of this post--but I used to love that song and for some reason the other day, I was thinking about it and couldn't remember anything BUT the first line. So, thank you thank you thank you--and thank DaddyCat too.

Glad you had such a nice weekend.

3:48 PM, August 24, 2006  
Blogger Vanessa said...

That was a beautiful post. I am so very happy for you.

8:38 PM, August 24, 2006  
Blogger Babaloo said...

Wow, that was so wonderful! There must be something about the 14th because my hubby went all out for ours too. Cheers to rekindling the magic and keeping it going for 14 years!

12:58 AM, August 25, 2006  
Blogger Grandma K said...

What a beautiful post. Things are not always smooth in a marriage. On the 10th we celebrated 38 years. As my sister in law has put it about their equally long marriage - we probably made it that long because we never wanted a divorce at the same time! Hope you have many more years.

8:48 AM, August 25, 2006  
Blogger Nicole said...

You gave me chills. I'm so happy for you both. Marriage can be pretty hard but it's worth it in the end. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We've been trying to have more "dates" and it helps A LOT...

12:26 PM, August 25, 2006  

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