Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Finding my way back...

It's hard to really pinpoint exactly where I lost track...of the goals I'd made in January, the places I wanted to be by now, and the hopes I was so close to reaching for myself for the very first time. But, I know the events that helped derail my hard work now, in retrospect.

After working out with a trainer for close to six months, I saw only about a 2 lb loss on the scales. Yes, my bodyfat percentage went down greatly and I was no longer even considered overweight. Yes, I felt better than I'd felt most of my adult life. And, yes, people were noticing that my shape was changing and that felt good as well. But it was not enough and I could not let go of the fact that my weight had not gone down much.

Even still, I was making huge strides towards my ultimate goal of getting fit enough to get off of at least some of the 10-12 pills I take every day for Type II Diabetes and a thyroid condition.

And,then I went to my doctor's office, where I was praised for a great A1C reading and bloodwork numbers. The doctor could see my progress physically as well. And, then before I left, he performed a new ultrasound scan of my neck, to see the level of plaque in my carotid artery. The results of this quick test would tell my arteries age versus my own real age.

And, I could tell before he said the results that they were not good. Despite being told I'm a perfect success story kind of case on paper, he told me that my arteries were well into their 50s, while I am only 36.

I think that the aftershock of this news is what sent me downward. After killing myself for all of those months, eating more controlled and healthy and working out harder than I have ever worked out, I was basically told that I'm the classic story of someone who could keel over dead at an early age if I had not had the test done. The doctor doubled my cholesterol meds and said that was the best way to improve the lousy hand heredity and my genes had dealt me in life. "Keep up with what you're doing," he'd told me, "because it is definitely going to help you in the long run."

And, inside my head, that jaded and negative part of me chortled heartily at his statement. I'd done everything right and was still told I was on the fast track for a lifetime of problems. And if my neck arteries were such a mess, how were the ones leading to my heart--where I have the family history of nightmarish health problems?

So, now that I look back, I know this is when I gave it all up, even if it wasn't consciously.

I have not completely quit working out, but I have slowed weight training greatly. I stopped working out with my trainer completely. I have not been eating as I should, although I still in fairly in control most of the time. I didn't worry if I missed a pill, or two, or three, here and there. I quit checking my blood sugars entirely because they always came back fine and what the hell did it really matter, right?

But, I realize now that it really does matter. It matters to my children, my spouse, my family and my friends. And, most of all, for whatever reason that caused this realization, it matters to me. I miss how I felt six months ago. I wish I had that feeling right now as I am facing so many life changes.

I have been handed the job of a lifetime and now can call myself employed after 7 years of staying home with only occasional part-time work. I am learning that I may have been born to be a magazine editor, because the work energizes and excites me in a way that I have not felt since I worked as a TV news producer in college. I LOVE THIS JOB. (Knock on wood, says my inner pessimist.)

I have been blessed with a husband who works harder than most anyone I know and who is a great father to my kids. He is my best friend, no matter what problems we have. We know how to make one another laugh and we have so much in common.

I have two great kids who dazzle me every day with their amazing minds and quick humor. I have closer relationships with my family than I ever thought I'd have and great in-laws to boot. I have wonderful friends and I live in a great home and am blessed enough not to ever really worry (so far) about how the bills will get paid or the food gets to the table.

It is time to start being grateful for what I have and let that help me get back on track. Tomorrow I will go to my first Chamber of Commerce meeting in my area and be introduced as the new editor of a local magazine with a great reputation. I will hold my head high as I network, and not think about the few pounds I have put back on. Instead, I will focus the progress I have made...both physically and mentally. I will keep promises to myself and learn to permanently change bad habits and take care of myself the way I should. It is time to find my way back again...

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Blogger Nicole said...

I'm so glad you're getting back on track...you just have to be a first-born because you fit the perfectionist/frustrated perfectionist/over-achiever description to a T! You are one of the people who inspired me to start eating better/exercising and after just a few weeks I feel so much better. It sucks to hear from the doctor that your efforts haven't "cured" everything but it's good to realize that it isn't for naught. If you feel better physically and emotionally, don't quit!

BTW, I would love to see your magazine. Is there anyway you could email me the name of it so I could get a copy?

10:34 AM, April 17, 2007  
Blogger Crazy MomCat said...

Hey, Nicole! I'd love to send you a copy once the magazine comes out (in mid may). I could send it to Lisabell if you like. Also, send me your email address--I don't have it and I can never reply directly to you!

P.S. I have GOT to get that birth order book!

11:48 PM, April 17, 2007  

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