Here I go again on my own...

Why did the words to WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" song pop into my head as I began typing this post? No, I'm not longing for the big hair bands of the 80s, at least not THAT much. And I don't have the strong desire to gyrate around in barely anything on top of a car. But, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you will soon understand as this post will sound all too familar. Is it Deja Vu? Not really...I just seem to be repeating the same patterns in my life.

This has been a year of questioning for me. Questioning the path I have chosen, questioning my abilities as a parent, questioning my health and why I can't seem to get on the right path there, questioning my marriage with its ups and downs...just plain questioning. I don't know if it has to do with being close enough to see the big 4-0, or how long I've been married, or the various decisions I've made until now, but I have a lot of unsettled business to take care of in my life. And, I've decided that it is high time that I start doing that. Not to be crass, but it is time that I get my shit together, people!

Part of my Get My Shit Together (GMST), plan has to do with my weight. I have a lot of little buggers in my genetic makeup that seem to be plotting against me on this and they are winning the war currently. I have Type II Diabetes and an enlarged thyroid/hypothyroidism and am at least 20-30 pounds overweight, and yet I'm not obese and many say I need to lose just 5-10 when they see me. I don't. I need to lose 20-30 to have the hope of getting off my diabetes/thyroid medications.

I take an unmentionable number of pills a day. And I freaking hate taking medicine. This is not working for me. Until now, I have found myself in one of two camps on the pill taking: 1>taking them and cursing under my breath while becoming more and more depressed or 2> not taking them at all and conveniently forgetting to take them as often as possible. The latter has been happening more than the former. This is not good and it has to change.

What else has to change? Well, let me cut to the chase here and make this longer post wrap up a heck of a lot faster with a tidy little list for myself.

MomCat's GMST Goals:

1. Work out at least 5 days a week, every day if you can--even if it is 15-30 minutes of jogging on the treadmill. Try to find a balance of cardio, weights, and strength training.
Actions: Revisit this each week to see how you did and make adjustments as necessary.

2. Cut out the cokes and avoid caffeine whenever possible.
Actions: 1st month-only 1 coke per week. Then, cut entirely. Watch tea in the PM.

3. Cut way low on carbs and eat more veggies and fruit. Plan out meals and snacks in advance so there's less room for failure and shop for the body I want.
Actions: Hummus, raw veggies, and lowfat popcorn for snacking this week, make meal plan.

4. Work hard to find a better balance in my life between work, family, fun and fitness. Make sure one doesn't outweigh the other three if I can help it. Once I find a balance, KEEP IT no matter what!
Actions: Wrap up next issue of magazine and research ways to streamline and make things faster next time.

5. Hold myself to this plan for at least 3 months, and then see where I am. Do NOT GIVE UP!
Actions: Weekly, write a blog post about my progress and admit where I screw up. Forgive myself and stay with it. After 3 months, post my results and see where this needs refining.

One of my favorite blogs is The Amazing Shrinking Mom. Melodee is so inspirational. She has lost 60 pounds and continues to stay with it. She has chronicled her weight loss struggles and victories and is brutally honest on her blog when she has a bad day. She has held herself to an exercise every day rule for longer than I can remember. In short...she is DOING what I need to do!

So, I'm going to follow her lead here and I'm going to publicly talk about this really difficult part of my life so that I feel somewhat pressured, if for nothing else than avoiding public humiliation, to keep up with what I'm trying to achieve.

Today was Sunday, July 1st. On July 24, I will turn 37 years old. I will not allow myself to reach 40 without achieving what I must with regards to my health and weight issues.

July 1 - Sunday's Progress:

• Worked out at the gym even though I was worn out and had tons of work at home to do.


• Breakfast, dinner and post dinner snack were healthy. Lunch? Uh, not so much.

July 2 - Monday's Plan:

• Do cardio class late in the day due to packed morning schedule.


• Plan out and eat healthy meals and snacks.


• Purge refrigerator of the bad and plan to stock with veggies and the good.


• Plan next day's exercise and menus thoroughly before going to bed.

OK, it's all out there now. No turning back! Wish me luck!

Finding my way back...

It's hard to really pinpoint exactly where I lost track...of the goals I'd made in January, the places I wanted to be by now, and the hopes I was so close to reaching for myself for the very first time. But, I know the events that helped derail my hard work now, in retrospect.

After working out with a trainer for close to six months, I saw only about a 2 lb loss on the scales. Yes, my bodyfat percentage went down greatly and I was no longer even considered overweight. Yes, I felt better than I'd felt most of my adult life. And, yes, people were noticing that my shape was changing and that felt good as well. But it was not enough and I could not let go of the fact that my weight had not gone down much.

Even still, I was making huge strides towards my ultimate goal of getting fit enough to get off of at least some of the 10-12 pills I take every day for Type II Diabetes and a thyroid condition.

And,then I went to my doctor's office, where I was praised for a great A1C reading and bloodwork numbers. The doctor could see my progress physically as well. And, then before I left, he performed a new ultrasound scan of my neck, to see the level of plaque in my carotid artery. The results of this quick test would tell my arteries age versus my own real age.

And, I could tell before he said the results that they were not good. Despite being told I'm a perfect success story kind of case on paper, he told me that my arteries were well into their 50s, while I am only 36.

I think that the aftershock of this news is what sent me downward. After killing myself for all of those months, eating more controlled and healthy and working out harder than I have ever worked out, I was basically told that I'm the classic story of someone who could keel over dead at an early age if I had not had the test done. The doctor doubled my cholesterol meds and said that was the best way to improve the lousy hand heredity and my genes had dealt me in life. "Keep up with what you're doing," he'd told me, "because it is definitely going to help you in the long run."

And, inside my head, that jaded and negative part of me chortled heartily at his statement. I'd done everything right and was still told I was on the fast track for a lifetime of problems. And if my neck arteries were such a mess, how were the ones leading to my heart--where I have the family history of nightmarish health problems?

So, now that I look back, I know this is when I gave it all up, even if it wasn't consciously.

I have not completely quit working out, but I have slowed weight training greatly. I stopped working out with my trainer completely. I have not been eating as I should, although I still in fairly in control most of the time. I didn't worry if I missed a pill, or two, or three, here and there. I quit checking my blood sugars entirely because they always came back fine and what the hell did it really matter, right?

But, I realize now that it really does matter. It matters to my children, my spouse, my family and my friends. And, most of all, for whatever reason that caused this realization, it matters to me. I miss how I felt six months ago. I wish I had that feeling right now as I am facing so many life changes.

I have been handed the job of a lifetime and now can call myself employed after 7 years of staying home with only occasional part-time work. I am learning that I may have been born to be a magazine editor, because the work energizes and excites me in a way that I have not felt since I worked as a TV news producer in college. I LOVE THIS JOB. (Knock on wood, says my inner pessimist.)

I have been blessed with a husband who works harder than most anyone I know and who is a great father to my kids. He is my best friend, no matter what problems we have. We know how to make one another laugh and we have so much in common.

I have two great kids who dazzle me every day with their amazing minds and quick humor. I have closer relationships with my family than I ever thought I'd have and great in-laws to boot. I have wonderful friends and I live in a great home and am blessed enough not to ever really worry (so far) about how the bills will get paid or the food gets to the table.

It is time to start being grateful for what I have and let that help me get back on track. Tomorrow I will go to my first Chamber of Commerce meeting in my area and be introduced as the new editor of a local magazine with a great reputation. I will hold my head high as I network, and not think about the few pounds I have put back on. Instead, I will focus the progress I have made...both physically and mentally. I will keep promises to myself and learn to permanently change bad habits and take care of myself the way I should. It is time to find my way back again...

With firm resolve...

I love resolutions. I know there are a lot of people out there who complain and talk of how they refuse to make resolutions, because it always ends up in disappointment when they don't follow through and it is just so passe and expected. I too have found myself feeling the sting of disappointment about mid-year when I realize I've dropped every one of my goals for the year and settled back into old habits. But, even with all of that, I still love resolutions. Let me explain why.

Just once a year, for a month or two, a majority of the world (or at least our nation) is focused on making things better. Yes, sometimes those hopes for improvement are selfish--a new waistline, less debt, and more sleep for each and every one. But, is that so bad? Is it so wrong to try and better yourself? Is there not a trickle-down effect to making yourself happy among those who live around you? And, others have embraced making more global resolutions to impact the world around them--to be more involved in church, find a charity of choice and donate or get reconnected politically. And, to that, I say good for you!

And, so, here I go another year making resolutions I may not keep. And, this year, I'm getting a late start to even making those promises, thanks to a crazy schedule. But, I will make them with sincerely all the hope in the world of keeping them. And, maybe one or two of them will stick, if I'm lucky. And, if not, well at least I can say that I had a few months that I tried and that is a few months better than the last year. So, I will continue to make those resolutions each year with the hope for that one year to come along where I don't have resolutions to make because I'm perfectly content with who and where I am in my life.

This year, I will make broader resolutions, but important ones nonetheless. So, in 2007, I resolve to:

1. Continue my quest for fitness and not abandon my workouts, no matter what life brings.
2. Find the right diet for my blood sugar problems and learn to embrace that fully.
3. Never let life consume me to the point that I forget what is truly important.
4. Laugh more, and feel anger less.
5. Get better organized and teach my children to do the same.

Stay tuned tomorrow when I will visit my last year's resolutions and we can laugh about how many I actually kept! Thanks to all of you for staying with me while I strayed due to a crazy work deadline. And now I'll add a Number 6 to my resolutions list, Don't forget to blog!

Updated: Now, for some REAL laughs and the best resolutions I've ever read, go see Karlababble. After reading her 2006 resolution review, I think I may have really been off track with my list this year!