It is what it is...

I've gone through periods on this blog where I imagine reading got downright depressing. I've had a lot of struggles over the past few years in dealing with my health condition(s) and trying to come to grips with some things. I suspect I have had some depression, that I've tried to battle as best I can, actually.

Today, may be one of those posts, but it is also one that I'd love to hear back from you on because I'm trying to work through some things.

Today I had a full body scan and then a sonogram done of my carotid arteries for the weight loss program I'm about to begin through my doctor's office. The sonogram I had done about a year ago. I can't remember, but I think I blogged about it. The results, back then, were not pretty. I had the arteries of a 50-something when I'm a late 30-something. The doctor was concerned, put me on cholesterol medication and I tried to get on track.

At my last exam, more than three months ago, the doctor praised me for losing 12 pound in the past year. I didn't even realize I'd done that. When you have such a bad body image that you're never happy with how you look, it takes a lot to really make an impact. I was still overweight, but I admit it felt good to hear that. My blood work was coming back great and he was very pleased, saying I was an ideal patient.

I went home feeling pretty good.

And, then the wheels came off my "ideal patient" wagon and I went rolling out of control. It is time to admit some things I am embarrassed and humbled to admit. Part of getting on track is making yourself accountable, and that is what I'm trying to do.

• I have not consistently taken my medications. I hate medicine and I've allowed myself to "forget" to take my evening pills too often than not.
  
• I have not been testing my blood sugars...uh, for a long time. So long, that when it came time to enroll in this weight loss program I had to actually SEARCH for my blood glucose monitor. My fasting blood sugar is supposed to be around a 70 each morning when I test (usually around 7 a.m.) . Today, the doctor's office tested it at 140--at 8:30 a.m. Not good.
  
• I have not worked out as I should, although this one was not in my control thanks to Ike, then a broken toe. I suppose I could have found something--swimming? But, realistically, I needed to lay off until the foot healed.
  
• I have not eaten as I should. I am not saying I go and order a chicken fried steak weekly, because I do try to pick healthier options when I eat out. But, I have not JUST ordered grilled chicken and steamed veggies either. What I have done is not enough, period. And, I have not curbed my nighttime snacking or my portions at dinner. Now, I pay the price with my waistline.
  
• My body image has now bottomed out. I have had a lot of negative talk and am back to the self-deprecating humor about how I look and how disgusted I am with myself. Again, not good.

So, what happened? Well, I'm not quite sure. But, I think that it happened due to a sense that I was just fine. that this problem was in control and I didn't need all of these steps to stay well. I wasn't exactly denying that I was a diabetic, but I thought I really didn't have to worry at least not now. Not for years, right?

Here is my harsh reality. My father is having surgery for a blockage on his carotid artery next month. And, when I went today as I was being scanned, I could feel my heart racing from the anxiety and fear. And, when the doctor told me the results, I had good reason for that anxiety. My arteries are now that of a 68- and a 57-year old.

And, I am humbled and scared. I realize now that I just can't let loose of my medications, of working out, of eating right like I have done. I can't and will never be able to be like most people. I DO have diabetes and it IS not stable. All drama aside, the facts are this--I am damaging my body and will cut my life short if I continue.

Message received. I am now trying to not get depressed from this news (very hard) and focus on being positive and doing what I need to do to get back to where I was 3 months ago, and then move even beyond that to lifelong healthy eating, consistent exercise and medication and testing my blood sugars daily (for awhile until I learn where I need to be to keep them steady).

One of the hardest things I'm finding about getting older is not watching my age go up on the scale, finding those first gray hairs, or grimacing at crows feet in my mirror. It is realizing that genetics plays a huge role in how we have to live our life for optimal health. And, you can't deny your genes and pretend they aren't there. You've got to accept the hand your dealt and learn how to play with it. I just have to hope that I can do that and win a few hands along the way now...

I am A-L-I-V-E (just barely!)

ACK!!! Has it really been this long since I've posted? This must be a record for me!

I am consumed by my magazine job right now, so much so that I have friends asking if something is wrong. I have never been good at compartmentalizing my various roles in life, and this is actual proof of that!

I'm struggling with this situation--I have one job that pays incredibly well, too well for the work I am given, and has a great boss who I get along with very well and who wants me to be working for him long term. The guy gave me a raise after a short while without my even asking! The work isn't thrilling or exciting, but it is fairly easy, quick and has short deadlines.

Job 2, the magazine job. I love this job but it is eating me ALIVE, people. I added up and in one week I spent as much time just dealing with emails that come in on this job, as the publisher told me that I would spend on a whole quarterly issue. So, I've realized that while the salary I was quoted sounded pretty nice when I first took the job, when you take into account the hours it takes to put out this 70-page quarterly magazine, well I'm getting the raw end of the deal, for sure!

Some would say, cut corners, get sloppy, do less so the pay is worth it. Well, I can't do that. It's not in my very being to do a half-arsed job. The publisher is probably counting on this as well.

So, I have this editor's job that I love, that also happens to be pretty visible in my community, that I feel like I will have to either eventually quit or somehow figure out how to streamline and cut corners without hating the finished product. Or I will be so tired that I mess something up and get fired--that's another lovely option.

In the meantime, both jobs have left me feeling trapped and burned out. I gained back some weight and feel depressed about that. It is affecting my marriage and my attitude greatly. But, I feel stuck. Completely stuck. This second job is exactly what I'd hoped for myself in about two years when both of my children will be in school full-time.

Can I hold out until then? Should I give up the great paying other job for now and risk losing that business contact? Or, will I wind up having a serious health episode or problems from the stress of it all?

The second question has to be posed for my next post, which will be entitled, "Type II Diabetes: When the Honeymoon Is Apparently Over." Sigh...

Here I go again on my own...

Why did the words to WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" song pop into my head as I began typing this post? No, I'm not longing for the big hair bands of the 80s, at least not THAT much. And I don't have the strong desire to gyrate around in barely anything on top of a car. But, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you will soon understand as this post will sound all too familar. Is it Deja Vu? Not really...I just seem to be repeating the same patterns in my life.

This has been a year of questioning for me. Questioning the path I have chosen, questioning my abilities as a parent, questioning my health and why I can't seem to get on the right path there, questioning my marriage with its ups and downs...just plain questioning. I don't know if it has to do with being close enough to see the big 4-0, or how long I've been married, or the various decisions I've made until now, but I have a lot of unsettled business to take care of in my life. And, I've decided that it is high time that I start doing that. Not to be crass, but it is time that I get my shit together, people!

Part of my Get My Shit Together (GMST), plan has to do with my weight. I have a lot of little buggers in my genetic makeup that seem to be plotting against me on this and they are winning the war currently. I have Type II Diabetes and an enlarged thyroid/hypothyroidism and am at least 20-30 pounds overweight, and yet I'm not obese and many say I need to lose just 5-10 when they see me. I don't. I need to lose 20-30 to have the hope of getting off my diabetes/thyroid medications.

I take an unmentionable number of pills a day. And I freaking hate taking medicine. This is not working for me. Until now, I have found myself in one of two camps on the pill taking: 1>taking them and cursing under my breath while becoming more and more depressed or 2> not taking them at all and conveniently forgetting to take them as often as possible. The latter has been happening more than the former. This is not good and it has to change.

What else has to change? Well, let me cut to the chase here and make this longer post wrap up a heck of a lot faster with a tidy little list for myself.

MomCat's GMST Goals:

1. Work out at least 5 days a week, every day if you can--even if it is 15-30 minutes of jogging on the treadmill. Try to find a balance of cardio, weights, and strength training.
Actions: Revisit this each week to see how you did and make adjustments as necessary.

2. Cut out the cokes and avoid caffeine whenever possible.
Actions: 1st month-only 1 coke per week. Then, cut entirely. Watch tea in the PM.

3. Cut way low on carbs and eat more veggies and fruit. Plan out meals and snacks in advance so there's less room for failure and shop for the body I want.
Actions: Hummus, raw veggies, and lowfat popcorn for snacking this week, make meal plan.

4. Work hard to find a better balance in my life between work, family, fun and fitness. Make sure one doesn't outweigh the other three if I can help it. Once I find a balance, KEEP IT no matter what!
Actions: Wrap up next issue of magazine and research ways to streamline and make things faster next time.

5. Hold myself to this plan for at least 3 months, and then see where I am. Do NOT GIVE UP!
Actions: Weekly, write a blog post about my progress and admit where I screw up. Forgive myself and stay with it. After 3 months, post my results and see where this needs refining.

One of my favorite blogs is The Amazing Shrinking Mom. Melodee is so inspirational. She has lost 60 pounds and continues to stay with it. She has chronicled her weight loss struggles and victories and is brutally honest on her blog when she has a bad day. She has held herself to an exercise every day rule for longer than I can remember. In short...she is DOING what I need to do!

So, I'm going to follow her lead here and I'm going to publicly talk about this really difficult part of my life so that I feel somewhat pressured, if for nothing else than avoiding public humiliation, to keep up with what I'm trying to achieve.

Today was Sunday, July 1st. On July 24, I will turn 37 years old. I will not allow myself to reach 40 without achieving what I must with regards to my health and weight issues.

July 1 - Sunday's Progress:

• Worked out at the gym even though I was worn out and had tons of work at home to do.


• Breakfast, dinner and post dinner snack were healthy. Lunch? Uh, not so much.

July 2 - Monday's Plan:

• Do cardio class late in the day due to packed morning schedule.


• Plan out and eat healthy meals and snacks.


• Purge refrigerator of the bad and plan to stock with veggies and the good.


• Plan next day's exercise and menus thoroughly before going to bed.

OK, it's all out there now. No turning back! Wish me luck!

The enemy within...

Complacent. I'll admit I've grown complacent with my healthcare. A newly-diagnosed diabetic of about a year and a half, I just grew tired of testing my blood sugar levels and taking all the medications. So, I stopped checking them as much. OK, I stopped checking them at all for a few months. This complacency grew mainly out of many good reports of health from my diabetes doctor. My blood work always came in great. My levels usually came in normal when I checked them. I was working out like a fiend and eating pretty good.

And, so when I finally went back for my check-up this time, after working out with a trainer for many months now, I assumed my bloodwork would come back excellent. And, I was right. My doctor told me I was an "ideal diabetes patient" and all my levels were great. I complained of being unable to lose weight, and got little information back from him. I'd assumed as much. The scale is something I have to do battle with on my own.

At the end of this visit, my doctor explained to me that they had new technology that with a simple ultrasound of the neck, can measure the amount of plaque built up in your arteries. Even though my various levels were all in the very good range, he thought it prudent to check with the scan given my family history of heart problems.

As the technician was running the device over my neck, I got a sinking feeling. I had no real reason for this feeling in the pit of my stomach, other than a sense that I have always had--a fear, you might say. I have never shared this with anyone but my husband, but I have always felt there was something wrong with me that might shorten my life in the end. It isn't that I go around worried about this or upset about it, it is just something I have always felt inside.

As the doctor came back into my room after the test was complete, I knew that I was about to get confirmation of that sinking feeling by the look on his face. The scan, he explained will show your carotid artery's "real age" as compared to your own real age. Based on my bloodwork and the medications I'm on, he had hoped my levels would come in right in the mid 30s or even younger than my age.

They did not.

I learned today that, no matter how much I have been working out, no matter how many times I turn down bread with dinner or try and eat healthy, no matter how many medications I have taken to try and be proactive with my diabetes, my arteries have an age of 56. That's 20 years older than my actual age, and a mere 4 years younger than my father who is living with a heart that functions at about 50 percent.

At this point, it is safe to say that I hate food. Food is my enemy. It always has been because of my lovely apple shape and ability to put on a "gut" easily. But, now I officially despise food completely. Because everything I like to eat, I should not eat. And, all the things I don't really care for, are what I am supposed to be eating most of the time. And, I have to pay attention to every little thing that I eat every second of every day. Do you know how exhausting that can be?

And, the real irony in all of this is, as much as I just feel like not eating at all anymore because of all of this stuff, I can even do that. I couldn't even develop a pretty little eating disorder if I wanted to, because my blood sugar would drop so low I could end up hospitalized, thanks to my diabetes.

The doctor is doubling one of my medications and says this is the best way to treat this. But, it didn't go past me that he explained that this scan was crucial in cases like mine. People who look absolutely perfect on paper, but have a hidden death trap developing inside. (No, those were not his words, they are mine.) He described the middle-aged man who suddenly drops dead of a heart attack with no previous health problems. Gee...that's comforting, isn't it? (Not to bash my doctor, because he is really great.)

I just don't know what else to say at this point. I am dumb-founded and down-trodden. And, now, I'm sorry for unloading that on all of you. Happier posts soon, I hope...