SWF revisited?

When I was in college, I had trouble picking my friends. When I look back, I am sure some of it was that I really hadn't had the option of having SO very many people from which to choose friends before, growing up in a town of about 3,000 folks. And, I made some poor choices. It was a learning experience, to say the least.

After a really bad back-stabbing/betrayal by the dorm floor friends like nothing I had ever experienced in my life (I came through high school relatively untraumatized, if you can believe it), I found a friend that I would later regret having made.

Let's call this girl, Joan. Well, Joan was the polar opposite of the piranha-like back-stabbing girls I'd had the misfortune of befriending in the dorms. She was funny in a quirky/off-beat kind of way, and very into being my friend. She was fiercely loyal to me. And, later I found out, she was a little scary in that loyalty.

We got through a year or so of new friendship and there were things that disturbed me a little about her that I started to take note of. She'd dated a guy that I had known from high school, whose mother was close friends with my own. The mother had warned my mom that Joan was very obsessive and had gone completely psycho on her son. Still, she had done nothing to me, so I let it go. There were a lot of stories she had about boyfriends and friends that she now hated--things that ended very badly for her with people no longer speaking. That never happened in my friendships typically.

And, I did get a little tired of her very persistent calls about us getting together to hang out, and it got much harder when I met my husband-to-be. Joan couldn't handle me having a boyfriend. She didn't like him one bit and made that pretty clear. My then-boyfriend found her to be completely obnoxious as well.

Around the same time, I started an internship at a very cool job that took up most of my weekends. She really did not take that well at all. It was as if she took this all very personally, me meeting Mr. Right and being motivated to have an actual JOB out of school. I was abandoning her. How dare I treat her that way? She'd come right out and tell me that's how she felt. She got quite bitter with me and I saw that scary side I'd been warned about before. I was glad to be too busy and avoided any serious confrontations thankfully.

After college, we had several really awful visits from Joan. The nice thing was, we only saw her a few times a year because we lived in different cities, so I thought I could still be nice and just keep things long distance and friendly...without triggering her psycho side. Things faded and then out of the blue I got a wedding invitation and letter from her asking me to attend--telling me how much it would mean to her after the many years that had gone by. So, I attended her wedding and then felt the full wrath of Joan, who basically insulted me in front of my little sister and berated me the entire reception for being such a crappy friend to her and abandoning her. I sat there thinking--I drove 4 hours to this thing for THIS?

So, it was at that point that I heeded all my family and husband's long advice to back away from this chick. She was crazy. I quit responding to emails and I basically fell of the planet. She's tried to reach me for several years, through reunion sites and so forth, and I never respond. I never will. I learned my lesson. I just hope I never bump into her in a dark alley or something...

All of that brings me to this next small tidbit, which has nothing to do with Joan, but everything to do with that feeling I got with her. I am wondering if I've managed to connect now with a potential second Joan in my life. All the warning signs are there.

When I quit my job at the magazine, I got an email from the past editor regarding some business. I explained that I'd left the magazine and joked that we should have lunch, as I was sure we'd have a lot of notes we could compare.

I must have struck a nerve. We had a couple of email exchanges after that, comparing notes and oohing and aahing over the irony of how close our experiences were. I thought that would be about it, told her I felt much better having known someone else who understood and went through the same ordeal I did. End of story, right? Well, not quite...

Then, she emails me and wants to take me up on that lunch offer. So, I agreed...thinking she probably just needs to vent more. We met up, she commented how awkward the whole thing was and then we had a very long lunch where she confided in me how the whole experience had affected her self-esteem and how she got closure by knowing that I was struggling too. We basically ended the lunch wishing each other well, as she is moving away soon and well..that was just that.

And, then the next day I got another email. She was wanting to have lunch again...this time with another editor who left unhappy. I have to admit, the flags were going up. The only thing I have in common with this woman really is this experience we both had. And, I've already moved on. I don't need closure or to keep talking about it. It's just not healthy or how I chose to handle it.

So, I politely told her that I'd see but that we were very busy this next few weeks with travel plans (which we truly are) and to keep me posted if they did have lunch and maybe I could come. And, I'll try to be busy that day should she go ahead and call, to be honest.

And, then today I got a card in the mail. I open it, and it's a Congratulations card and on the inside it says something about congratulations and good luck on your next endeavor. And, then it makes a reference to surviving the nightmare making us stronger and is signed by her.

Uh, what? My husband read the card and took one look at me and said, "Uh, hello? STALKER?" and walked out of the room chuckling.

Well, I don't think it is nearly that, but I have to admit is odd. Why would you send someone a congratulations card really? I mean, I haven't started some fantastic new job or something that she's heard about. It was just really...well, strange. And, the fact that it all made me think back to Joan again, makes me certain that I am glad this Joan is moving away very soon. And, the NEXT time I need to commiserate a bad job situation, I'll just pop open a bottle of wine and chat with a neighbor about it who hasn't a clue about what I do for a living!

Of resignations and retail therapy...

Just so I don't keep you wondering after that last post...I did manage to quit my job today. It was an interesting experience.

Let me just say this--I have quit a few jobs in my past. Even with the ones that where I was leaving for a huge raise and/or incredibly burned out...even with the ones I hated with a passion...

I never left those jobs and drove away beaming with an uncontrollable smile and inner contentment as I did in leaving this job.

I typically cry and get emotional later as I feel bad to let anyone down. It is a hang-up I have, actually. I didn't feel that way for one second today. That really says something.

It also says something that after trying to convince me to keep up the website portion of my job, for I'm sure low pay (which I declined politely), that my publisher flippantly dismissed me without a bit of eye-contact and immediately began typing an email while I was still sitting right in front of her. I am sure she expected me to slink out of her office without saying another word.

I couldn't help myself. I stood up and stuck my hand out in front of her and forced her to shake it thanking her for the experience and walked away with my head held high. And, before my foot stepped outside the door, I had already felt the pressure of a few elephants taken off my shoulders.

And, afterwards I decided that, even though I was taking this all so well, I probably should have a little retail therapy at my favorite out-of-the-way scrapbooking store. (No major financial damage there, hubs, so don't worry. grin)

For the past few weeks, I have been sent a very clear message in many different forms--that I need to be grateful for the life I have been given and start actually enjoying it for a change and start taking care of myself so that I can enjoy it. Today, I took a major step in doing that and it feels really good...

Binder clippin' it to the MAN!

It is funny the things that you miss when you walk away from a traditional office environment to stay home or work from home. I realized something significant about myself today while trying to clean through the mish-mash of work paperwork, scrapbooking stuff and random kids toys that get deposited on my office desk weekly...

I really have a thing for office supplies...

It's true. While the local office supply store employees manage to tick me off almost as much as a trip to Walmart would, I still get a little giddy walking down the aisles and aisles of paper clips, post-its, and personal organizers.

While I think my supply fetish was probably formed through my early years of going school supply shopping, I am fairly certain of when I first was fully able to embrace office accessories. Years ago, when I worked for very low pay fresh out of college, I fell in love with the office supply closet. That love affair continued for the next decade of working in a typical office environment.

When you make almost half of what your peers in the industry with similar experience and skills do, you have to have something to feel good about. Aside from the great friends I made, I loved me some office supplies. I would find reasons to collect them, actually. I guess it was my own little way of "stickin' it to the man."

Every color of highlighter you can imagine--well sure! I need that! So, I devised complex systems of highlighting reviewed documents creating a legend of highlight codes at the front of each manual on which I worked.

Tape flags coordinating with those highlighter colors? Oh, those were very necessary. It saved the developers and myself valuable time when we could just flip to the blue colored flag to review the blue highlighted changes in the documentation.

Everyone must have screen cleaner, whiteboard accessories, and lots of pens. That's as important as the air we breathe, really.

Post-its were also in plenitude. Technical writers are known for their post-it addictions. In fact, a dear chap I used to work with had quite an impressively anal system of writing his to-do tasks on systems of post-its. (If you read this, you know I kid!)

Now, I am not saying I was wasteful with my supplies, mind you. I worked with people with whom I scoffed behind their backs for their lack of appreciation of binder clips. Do you know just how many sizes of binder clips you can get? I do, my friends. And I am proud to say I've found uses for every one of them, thank you!

I recently walked through my favorite ridiculously over-priced store in the world, The Container Store, and I found myself gazing wantingly at this. $36 for a little stand with a drawer for my monitor? There is NO WAY I could justify this what-so-ever. But, oh, how I could use it! Even the argument of ergo dynamics I knew would not fly with my husband or even in my own mind for that matter.

If I worked in an office, just a week over killing myself with long hours and a few backflips and butt-kisses of the boss, might have given me the clarity to justify that kind of a purchase. Or, I'd have the kind of money that a full-time salary would bring that I wouldn't even bat an eye at that price. But, it doesn't work that way when you've stayed home for 8+ years and you're only working part-time.

And, yet, I stood there transfixed. Imagining my post-its, highlighters, and IPod perched delicately in the mini-drawer and my monitor beaming at me in the perfect viewing position. My husband scored major brownie points with me on my birthday this past summer with a gift card for this store, and I promptly bought shoe dividers. If only I'd thought about it, I could have made away with that stand. Darn those shoes!

The other day, I ventured into the office supply store for some products for a church ministry I'm coordinating. While I was just running in for a few things, I got stalled in several aisles. The thing about office supplies that is really so wonderful is that they are always changing. Next week, someone will invent a new stapler that is ten times better than the last and make a fortune on it. It's genius, really!

I reached for a colorful pack of post-its to take home when I looked at the price. $9.99 for post-its? Are you f-ing serious? Now, what kind of an IDIOT would buy....ah, well, nevermind...

I am A-L-I-V-E (just barely!)

ACK!!! Has it really been this long since I've posted? This must be a record for me!

I am consumed by my magazine job right now, so much so that I have friends asking if something is wrong. I have never been good at compartmentalizing my various roles in life, and this is actual proof of that!

I'm struggling with this situation--I have one job that pays incredibly well, too well for the work I am given, and has a great boss who I get along with very well and who wants me to be working for him long term. The guy gave me a raise after a short while without my even asking! The work isn't thrilling or exciting, but it is fairly easy, quick and has short deadlines.

Job 2, the magazine job. I love this job but it is eating me ALIVE, people. I added up and in one week I spent as much time just dealing with emails that come in on this job, as the publisher told me that I would spend on a whole quarterly issue. So, I've realized that while the salary I was quoted sounded pretty nice when I first took the job, when you take into account the hours it takes to put out this 70-page quarterly magazine, well I'm getting the raw end of the deal, for sure!

Some would say, cut corners, get sloppy, do less so the pay is worth it. Well, I can't do that. It's not in my very being to do a half-arsed job. The publisher is probably counting on this as well.

So, I have this editor's job that I love, that also happens to be pretty visible in my community, that I feel like I will have to either eventually quit or somehow figure out how to streamline and cut corners without hating the finished product. Or I will be so tired that I mess something up and get fired--that's another lovely option.

In the meantime, both jobs have left me feeling trapped and burned out. I gained back some weight and feel depressed about that. It is affecting my marriage and my attitude greatly. But, I feel stuck. Completely stuck. This second job is exactly what I'd hoped for myself in about two years when both of my children will be in school full-time.

Can I hold out until then? Should I give up the great paying other job for now and risk losing that business contact? Or, will I wind up having a serious health episode or problems from the stress of it all?

The second question has to be posed for my next post, which will be entitled, "Type II Diabetes: When the Honeymoon Is Apparently Over." Sigh...

Some sharing, before I go...

As much as I love the AI Haiku and look forward to the next one, I couldn't leave it at that for the rest of this week. It is spring break here and we're actually going somewhere this year! A trip to California, somewhere I have never actually been, and to Legoland with the kids and the finest zoo in the country, along with some other beachy hi-jinks. Here are some updates and some things I wanted to share, before I go:

• My new editor's job with the magazine started full throttle as I was told to try and hit a deadline a mere two weeks away from the day of hire. Oh, did I mention that none of the writer's stories had been assigned? Yeah, this should be interesting.
  
• Amazingly, I got everything assigned, set up some things for me to contribute and also started working on the filler content. I made the realization that this job was much like one that I had during my college years that I loved and I truly feel I'm in my element with it. I hope that once this crazy issue is out the door, I can do some long-range planning and fully enjoy things more.
  
• But, at the same time, my church's mission group left and I was responsibly for nightly updates to the just-released website I helped create. This proved a lot more time consuming than I expected.
  
• And, one more thing...some editing work came my way also, that will be worked on until the minute I leave I think so I can finish that too.
  
• Did I mention that I REALLY need this vacation?
  
• Some things that made me think this week. First, was an interesting article in Salon.com about Oprah. I am an admitted Oprah lover, but some of the points he makes about her school and the attitude the show is taking as of late really caught my attention and made me wonder. Read the article here.
  
• Second, I've been thinking a lot lately about the balance women who have kids have to try and make--and the internal struggles we go through to do so. Can women have it all? I'm trying to do that with two part-time (almost full time) jobs, two kids, and numerous volunteer activities. I'm wearing thin, to say the least. This mental struggle we go through, between being a good parent and fulfilling ourselves intellectually and financially, seems to never end. And, no one put it more eloquently than dear Nicole at Sitting Still. I loved this post of hers!

So, that's about it. Happy reading and I hope to regal you with tails of family fun and a new suntan when I return!