It is what it is...

I've gone through periods on this blog where I imagine reading got downright depressing. I've had a lot of struggles over the past few years in dealing with my health condition(s) and trying to come to grips with some things. I suspect I have had some depression, that I've tried to battle as best I can, actually.

Today, may be one of those posts, but it is also one that I'd love to hear back from you on because I'm trying to work through some things.

Today I had a full body scan and then a sonogram done of my carotid arteries for the weight loss program I'm about to begin through my doctor's office. The sonogram I had done about a year ago. I can't remember, but I think I blogged about it. The results, back then, were not pretty. I had the arteries of a 50-something when I'm a late 30-something. The doctor was concerned, put me on cholesterol medication and I tried to get on track.

At my last exam, more than three months ago, the doctor praised me for losing 12 pound in the past year. I didn't even realize I'd done that. When you have such a bad body image that you're never happy with how you look, it takes a lot to really make an impact. I was still overweight, but I admit it felt good to hear that. My blood work was coming back great and he was very pleased, saying I was an ideal patient.

I went home feeling pretty good.

And, then the wheels came off my "ideal patient" wagon and I went rolling out of control. It is time to admit some things I am embarrassed and humbled to admit. Part of getting on track is making yourself accountable, and that is what I'm trying to do.

• I have not consistently taken my medications. I hate medicine and I've allowed myself to "forget" to take my evening pills too often than not.
  
• I have not been testing my blood sugars...uh, for a long time. So long, that when it came time to enroll in this weight loss program I had to actually SEARCH for my blood glucose monitor. My fasting blood sugar is supposed to be around a 70 each morning when I test (usually around 7 a.m.) . Today, the doctor's office tested it at 140--at 8:30 a.m. Not good.
  
• I have not worked out as I should, although this one was not in my control thanks to Ike, then a broken toe. I suppose I could have found something--swimming? But, realistically, I needed to lay off until the foot healed.
  
• I have not eaten as I should. I am not saying I go and order a chicken fried steak weekly, because I do try to pick healthier options when I eat out. But, I have not JUST ordered grilled chicken and steamed veggies either. What I have done is not enough, period. And, I have not curbed my nighttime snacking or my portions at dinner. Now, I pay the price with my waistline.
  
• My body image has now bottomed out. I have had a lot of negative talk and am back to the self-deprecating humor about how I look and how disgusted I am with myself. Again, not good.

So, what happened? Well, I'm not quite sure. But, I think that it happened due to a sense that I was just fine. that this problem was in control and I didn't need all of these steps to stay well. I wasn't exactly denying that I was a diabetic, but I thought I really didn't have to worry at least not now. Not for years, right?

Here is my harsh reality. My father is having surgery for a blockage on his carotid artery next month. And, when I went today as I was being scanned, I could feel my heart racing from the anxiety and fear. And, when the doctor told me the results, I had good reason for that anxiety. My arteries are now that of a 68- and a 57-year old.

And, I am humbled and scared. I realize now that I just can't let loose of my medications, of working out, of eating right like I have done. I can't and will never be able to be like most people. I DO have diabetes and it IS not stable. All drama aside, the facts are this--I am damaging my body and will cut my life short if I continue.

Message received. I am now trying to not get depressed from this news (very hard) and focus on being positive and doing what I need to do to get back to where I was 3 months ago, and then move even beyond that to lifelong healthy eating, consistent exercise and medication and testing my blood sugars daily (for awhile until I learn where I need to be to keep them steady).

One of the hardest things I'm finding about getting older is not watching my age go up on the scale, finding those first gray hairs, or grimacing at crows feet in my mirror. It is realizing that genetics plays a huge role in how we have to live our life for optimal health. And, you can't deny your genes and pretend they aren't there. You've got to accept the hand your dealt and learn how to play with it. I just have to hope that I can do that and win a few hands along the way now...