Little MomCat grows up...awww...

Darn that reflection and self-growth! I think it was spawned by my class reunion. There's been a lot of remembering and realizing how much I've changed over the past few weeks. And, somehow during all of that thinking time, I must have grown up a little more about something else too.

Awhile back, I posted something that reads very tacky to me now. A situation where an old friend was trying to get in touch with me and I was desperately trying to avoid her. But, between all the reunion sites, business networking sites and so forth, it was becoming darn hard to avoid her emailed requests to "reconnect" with me. Apparently, in this day and age, it is hard to actually lose touch with someone who really doesn't want to lose touch with you. In fact, I've learned it is near impossible.

This girl was really only a friend for a few years in college. She came to me at a time when I needed a very loyal friend, which she definitely was. I had been stabbed in the back and really devastated by some girlfriends from my dorm. College friend was very enthusiastic about our friendship and eventually became borderline stalkerish about it. Never had I had a friend who cared so much about doing things with me!

By the time I married, had a few really bad visits with her where she offended both my new husband and me, and then drove many miles to come to her wedding only to be insulted, I had decided enough was enough. So, I did something I've never done to a friend--I dropped her.

Only, as it turns out, college friend is very persistent. I've had probably a good 6-8 years of emails and requests being sent to me from her wanting to reconnect. And, today, when I got my newest request--one where she'd found me on a business network and I knew she knew that my account had been updated recently, I just decided it was time to be mature and stop hiding.

I accepted her request to link to me. I did not email her, and maybe she will get the hint. No reunions necessary or wanted. But, probably not. I expect to get an email from her soon.

I recently reconnected with a couple of old friends from high school and we've had a series of emails to one another that have been very interesting to me. Both women have changed and grown up in significamt ways.

One has a child with a debilitating and possibly fatal disease, who shared with me that she's learned that life is too short and things like what you have are not near as important as enjoying time with your dear family and friends.

The other friend has set aside that old need to want to impress people or feel popular and just wants to connect with people who are real--instead of being driven by impressing people with what she has or has accomplished. Ironically, she is more impressive than ever to me because of this fact.

Both friends learned valuable lessons that I feel like I did not have to learn because they are things that, thankfully, I have always known. But, that's not to say I don't have my own issues. My own lessons are coming to me these days, by way of cyberspace. And my latest revelation is this:

Friendship is a blessing, even if it fades or changes. And, if someone thinks enough of you to want to still stay friends, even after you've moved on and grown in a different direction from them, take that as a compliment. Be accepting of that, if you can. Remember why you chose that friend to begin with and all that they gave you all those years ago. Because that is something of value, no matter how much time has gone by or how much you have changed. You don't have to rekindle that friendship to honor what it was...

A friend is a friend is a friend...

I've done a lot of thinking lately about friends and their importance in my life. It is inevitable that friendships change once you grow older, have children, and enter different phases in your life--sometimes drastically different from the people you've called your friends for years. And, sometimes those changes are enough to fizzle a friendship, or cause it to fade from view. But, not always, and I think that's what I'm finding most special these days.

This evening I got a little email from an old friend with whom I worked in Dallas before we moved here. We haven't seen each other in many years. And, yet, when I barely made mention of recent crankiness in la casa de MomCat, she picked up on there being more and told me before she ended her email that if the crankiness didn't go away, I could always call or email her to chat. She commiserated having just moved and reminded me she was always there for me. This is a pal with whom I send Christmas cards and maybe a few emails a year. Yet, that one sentence touched me because I knew she truly meant it. And, it was as if we'd worked together just yesterday. Funny how a good friend can be that way, isn't it?

In times of crises or even despair, it becomes instantly obvious who is really your friend and who really isn't. The real friends are the ones who see through any masks you put on to hide the pain and call you on it. They are the ones who have noticed something off with you, even before you've mentioned a word.

They are the ones who might be at a busy time in their life--during a move, making life changes themselves, or just bogged down with work, and they still emphatically tell you to call them if you need to talk no matter what. They worry for you, pray for you, and listen to you rant with an open mind and an even more open heart.

They're on your side no matter what, even when you might be wrong in the first place. And, they may even know that, but they don't care...you're their friend. That's all that matters. Period.

While this is Mother's Day and I do want to make a big shout out to my fellow Mommy Bloggers (gah--sorry I used that dreaded label again ladies...ha!) and wish them a most awesomely special day, I also want to send some love to my friends.

You know who you are. And, as you read this, know that it is the same as a big hug from me. I only hope that I can be as good of a friend to you, in your time of sadness or need, as you have been to me. Thank you for being my posse over the years, for having my back and for caring enough to listen at times when I don't even understand what is really even coming from my mouth. I *HEART* you all!

SWF revisited?

When I was in college, I had trouble picking my friends. When I look back, I am sure some of it was that I really hadn't had the option of having SO very many people from which to choose friends before, growing up in a town of about 3,000 folks. And, I made some poor choices. It was a learning experience, to say the least.

After a really bad back-stabbing/betrayal by the dorm floor friends like nothing I had ever experienced in my life (I came through high school relatively untraumatized, if you can believe it), I found a friend that I would later regret having made.

Let's call this girl, Joan. Well, Joan was the polar opposite of the piranha-like back-stabbing girls I'd had the misfortune of befriending in the dorms. She was funny in a quirky/off-beat kind of way, and very into being my friend. She was fiercely loyal to me. And, later I found out, she was a little scary in that loyalty.

We got through a year or so of new friendship and there were things that disturbed me a little about her that I started to take note of. She'd dated a guy that I had known from high school, whose mother was close friends with my own. The mother had warned my mom that Joan was very obsessive and had gone completely psycho on her son. Still, she had done nothing to me, so I let it go. There were a lot of stories she had about boyfriends and friends that she now hated--things that ended very badly for her with people no longer speaking. That never happened in my friendships typically.

And, I did get a little tired of her very persistent calls about us getting together to hang out, and it got much harder when I met my husband-to-be. Joan couldn't handle me having a boyfriend. She didn't like him one bit and made that pretty clear. My then-boyfriend found her to be completely obnoxious as well.

Around the same time, I started an internship at a very cool job that took up most of my weekends. She really did not take that well at all. It was as if she took this all very personally, me meeting Mr. Right and being motivated to have an actual JOB out of school. I was abandoning her. How dare I treat her that way? She'd come right out and tell me that's how she felt. She got quite bitter with me and I saw that scary side I'd been warned about before. I was glad to be too busy and avoided any serious confrontations thankfully.

After college, we had several really awful visits from Joan. The nice thing was, we only saw her a few times a year because we lived in different cities, so I thought I could still be nice and just keep things long distance and friendly...without triggering her psycho side. Things faded and then out of the blue I got a wedding invitation and letter from her asking me to attend--telling me how much it would mean to her after the many years that had gone by. So, I attended her wedding and then felt the full wrath of Joan, who basically insulted me in front of my little sister and berated me the entire reception for being such a crappy friend to her and abandoning her. I sat there thinking--I drove 4 hours to this thing for THIS?

So, it was at that point that I heeded all my family and husband's long advice to back away from this chick. She was crazy. I quit responding to emails and I basically fell of the planet. She's tried to reach me for several years, through reunion sites and so forth, and I never respond. I never will. I learned my lesson. I just hope I never bump into her in a dark alley or something...

All of that brings me to this next small tidbit, which has nothing to do with Joan, but everything to do with that feeling I got with her. I am wondering if I've managed to connect now with a potential second Joan in my life. All the warning signs are there.

When I quit my job at the magazine, I got an email from the past editor regarding some business. I explained that I'd left the magazine and joked that we should have lunch, as I was sure we'd have a lot of notes we could compare.

I must have struck a nerve. We had a couple of email exchanges after that, comparing notes and oohing and aahing over the irony of how close our experiences were. I thought that would be about it, told her I felt much better having known someone else who understood and went through the same ordeal I did. End of story, right? Well, not quite...

Then, she emails me and wants to take me up on that lunch offer. So, I agreed...thinking she probably just needs to vent more. We met up, she commented how awkward the whole thing was and then we had a very long lunch where she confided in me how the whole experience had affected her self-esteem and how she got closure by knowing that I was struggling too. We basically ended the lunch wishing each other well, as she is moving away soon and well..that was just that.

And, then the next day I got another email. She was wanting to have lunch again...this time with another editor who left unhappy. I have to admit, the flags were going up. The only thing I have in common with this woman really is this experience we both had. And, I've already moved on. I don't need closure or to keep talking about it. It's just not healthy or how I chose to handle it.

So, I politely told her that I'd see but that we were very busy this next few weeks with travel plans (which we truly are) and to keep me posted if they did have lunch and maybe I could come. And, I'll try to be busy that day should she go ahead and call, to be honest.

And, then today I got a card in the mail. I open it, and it's a Congratulations card and on the inside it says something about congratulations and good luck on your next endeavor. And, then it makes a reference to surviving the nightmare making us stronger and is signed by her.

Uh, what? My husband read the card and took one look at me and said, "Uh, hello? STALKER?" and walked out of the room chuckling.

Well, I don't think it is nearly that, but I have to admit is odd. Why would you send someone a congratulations card really? I mean, I haven't started some fantastic new job or something that she's heard about. It was just really...well, strange. And, the fact that it all made me think back to Joan again, makes me certain that I am glad this Joan is moving away very soon. And, the NEXT time I need to commiserate a bad job situation, I'll just pop open a bottle of wine and chat with a neighbor about it who hasn't a clue about what I do for a living!

Beware of the HIGH talker...

Have you ever met someone and found they had an annoying personality trait or tick that you just couldn't get past?

Have you ever been that person?

The answer to both of these recently may be a "yes" for me.

I instantly labeled her a living and breathing, walking Seinfeld episode. I could see Jerry and George talking about how she was a bit of a "high talker." And, my daughter had befriended her daughter of all the kids in her Mother's Day Out class. She approached me for playdates and chit-chat often at drop-off and pick-up.

The first few times we chatted, I tried not to cringe. The voice that came out sounded so comical, almost cartoon-like, as if she'd just been sucking on helium or something. I noticed the people turning their heads to look and see who was talking that way and were the really SERIOUS.

After awhile I got past it mostly because she was a friendly and nice person. But, honestly, I think I had already subconsciously decided that I didn't know if a full friendship could be formed and if I could get past this annoying trait. And, I felt guilty for that because I really strive to be a non-judgemental person.

Mostly I wondered, did she know she was different? Did she realize she had this nails-on-chalkboard pitch to her voice that made heads turn? Did she get a clue of this whenever she'd called someone and never had to explain who she was on the phone? And, most of all, was she comfortable with this about herself? Was she like, "What the hell! This is me. I'm a high talkder. Deal with it already!"

Most recently, I think I have found myself in a similar situation with new friend who I seem to have a really ironic number of things in common with and someone for which I hope to build a really long friendship. She's the first person I've met in a few years that I really can say I click with and enjoy her friendship. But, now I fear that, this time, I'm the annoying Seinfelder to this person.

It's not anything that anyone has ever talked to me about before, this thing that I can tell completely irritates her about me. It is nothing as unusual as the high talker, nor something that would annoy me in a friend. And, I'd spell it out here, but if she reads this I don't want to risk embarassing or making her angry. But, let's just say I can tell that I annoy her in conversation with this thing, and yet until her I have never been told it is an issue at all by a single other person in my life.

And, the real problem is, I can't stop it. It is just a part of me--a sort of form of enthusiasm I express as a friend who is connecting to what you're saying. So, before I know it, I'm already doing it again and feeling her tension when I repeat my bad habit that I didn't know that I had.

And, lately, she's been making really blunt comments about it to me, that have not gone unnoticed. Each time, I first cringe and then feel a little annoyed because really is it that bad? My husband says absolutely not and he thinks this is just a sensitive pet peeve for her that must be from her past and to not take it personally. But, I can't help but now feel somewhat paranoid and fixated on this as I try not to annoy this new friend more than I already have. Yet, I start to feel annoyed myself that I have to sensor my normal flow of talking for someone when I have no issue with their way of talking which is sort of distinctive. And, if I change this about myself, will there just be something else with this person later on? Is this friendship not the good fit that I thought it was to her?

And, I am left to really wonder...am I, like the high talker, walking around causing people to exchange glances behind my back and wonder if I really get how oddball that I really am?

Getting back to it...

There were four of us at first. We took the leap into blogging. Friends for years, I was separated from them by geography, and I loved the fact that I could keep up with what was going on with them through their blogs. Later on, others joined us and my circle of personal blogging friends grew while I made new blogging friends too.

And, then, a few months ago, whether it was coincidental or not, we all sort of slowed down with it. Some stopped entirely this summer. I filled my blog posts with more fluffy things and reviews instead of the deep stuff. And, I started to lose touch with these friends of mine that I've known most of my adult life. Our lives all taking us in other places, I sadly hoped that we would somehow stay in touch...but worried that we might not.

Then, not long after, I took a trip and saw one of them who had moved even further away than I had. And, I learned that time and distance doesn't change real friendship, as I saw my friend for the first time in more than a year and it felt like I'd just seen her yesterday. Our conversations were non-stop until the wee hours of the mornings that I was there and then abruptly ended when I got on the plane to leave. She even commented at how weird it felt to just say goodbye and put me on a plane.

And, then I came home to one of these friends sending out a virtual kick in the pants to all of us to get off of our duffs and start blogging again already. And, while I've already flunked his daily challenge, I am making the effort to answer his call for a rebirth of our blog activity. I'm here! I'm trying! And, most of all, I'm glad you all are back!

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P.S. To continue my public display of being desperately and embarrassingly unhip and terribly behind on current music, I'd like to also share that I think I am now in love with Pink completely. I have always loved her f-off attitude. And, her latest CD is sooo amazing...I can't wait to hit the treadmill tomorrow with it on my IPod. Before you say it, I know that I am musically behind by almost a year. I'm slow. But, at least I'm enthusiastic. So, throw me a bone, okeydokey?

Mine was great, how was yours?

Some positives and negatives from my very short weekend jaunt away to see a dear friend.

• Getting a row to myself on the plane.
• Vegging to my favorite new artist on my IPod.
• Soaking in the most gorgeous August weather I have ever experienced, in one of the most beatiful landscapes I've ever seen. (Geesh, how did I not know about summer in CO!)
• Staying up until well after 2 a.m. catching up with my friend.
• Sleeping in (well 9 a.m. is sleeping in for me!) and not having to make anyone's breakfast the next day.
• Shopping for almost a whole day with no timetable, no stress, and a friend who will be honest if something doesn't look good on me.
• Meeting a really cool blogging friend in person, enjoying her blog's "namesakes," and chowing her husband's great cooking!
• Eating s'mores on the side of a mountain while unexpectedly catching a very long and impressive fireworks show in the distance.
• Enjoying my last 1/2 day with a great breakfast out, window shopping in Boulder and enough time for a "pedi!"
• Mistakenly getting in the frequent flyer's line and not seeing the HUGE waiting line for regular passengers. Being allowed to check in anyway and making my flight right on time.
• Walking off a plane to my normally self-conscious 8-year-old literally running to give me a great big hug. Wow...that was the best feeling ever!
• Coming home to flowers from my better half.
• Enjoying the evening with my family and NOT working.
• Discovering a great place to live, reconnecting with a great friend again, and recharging my mom battery just before school starts.

Now, negatives...
Oh, wait! I guess I have NO negatives from this weekend! Hope yours was great as well! Now, your turn...DO SHARE...

How do I find myself in these situations???

In my early blogging days, I spent a few blog posts explaining a certain situation I had with a sort of unstable neighbor. A friendship gone awry when she began fixating on my son, spreading false rumors about his behavior and then she got a little stalkerish when I shut down the friendship over it all. If you've read awhile, I called her my "arch-enemy" at one point even. I felt watched, targeted, and just sick to death of this person, quite frankly.

Well, a lot can happen in a few years time. We are, by no means, close friends, nor will we ever be again after that. But, things have settled into what I like to think of as a neighborly friendly relationship. Meaning, we wave to one another, might stop and chat for a bit, and occasionally our youngest two kids play together. But, that's it. We are thankfully no longer in the same social groups, and there's never more of an invitation extended than just the occasional chat on the street or at the bus stop.

I am comfortable with this now. I do not, however, trust her at all. And, for those who know this whole story, they are saying "Oh, thank goodness" about now too. It's too much detail to go into here, trust me.

So, when she emailed me, inviting me to have dinner with a mutual friend of ours who has just moved back into the area, inviting along two other mutual friends, I thought...OK. Sure. I can DO this.

Then, I got the last minute emails that the other two weren't going and I realized...oh, my gawd...we're riding together ALONE to meet this girl. Then, I threw up a little in my mouth at the thought of it.

This is the type of person who is very calculating and likes to gather tidbits from people's lives, makes her assumptions, and then spreads rumors based on those assumptions. This person likes to make up false things about my son and my husband and me for sport.

And, I was going to have to be in a car with her for almost an hour? WTF was I thinking???

I started to ask my husband to call and check on me to make sure I was not in a ditch somewhere, but decided we were really past that scary phase with her, I thought . But, then, I worried...what would I rattle on about that would later become ammunition for her to use against me behind my back. I tend to be an open book, sharing more than I probably should and making myself vulnerable because of it.

And, how paranoid must that sound to you who have no clue about what this person has done to me and my family in the past?

So, finally, I went. And, it went fine. I am not chopped up in a million pieces in a neighbor's freezer. I was not insulted. The conversation flowed. It was...gasp...pleasant even.

But, why now do I sit here just waiting for the other shoe to drop? And, what do you do when someone has hurt you and your family so badly in the past to stop that feeling from cropping up every time you are around the person? I don't have rage against her anymore like I did before. But, will I always feel this on-guard? Should I be? Does the leopard never change its spots? Or is it a zebra changing his stripes? Oh, whatever the hell, my point is...do people change? And, if they do not, how do you ever move past a major betrayal and learn to relax around them again?

My radar needs a tune-up...

Ever since my worst parenting moment incident at the beach early this summer, my mommy radar has been up in a bad way. I find myself noticing every drowning story and fighting back tears as I imagine what the parents are going through. Every little warning or horrible story that gets passed on about a child affects me so much more deeply now than it did before.

In a way, I suppose this is good. I am overly attentive and watch my kids like a hawk even more so now than before. But, it is a hard way to go through your days, quite honestly. And, I'm swearing off Oprah now after her recent penchant for shock stories that scare the hell out of parents. I need to find a way to turn my radar down, just a smidge so that I don't continue to feel depressed and scared about the world we live in.

Only, NOW I'm wondering if my friend radar is not set high enough or something too. Like, maybe I need a whole new calibration of my internal radar? Wait, do you actually calibrate radars? For a second there, I almost sounded like somewhat of a techno-nerd, eh? My uber-programmer husband would be oh so proud...

In an email discussion with a close friend lately, I was talking about the normal ins and outs of married life and parenting. This is a friend of whom I can confide some of the more difficult stuff to talk about, because she's shared most everything with me. I'd recently talked to her about a mutual friend of ours with whom my friendship has grown a little more awkward lately, for some reason, and I'm not sure why. Then, she tells me that she thinks I need to hear a certain song's lyrics--a new country song that talks about knowing who your real friends are. She tells me that song would really speak to me right now. ????

I'm not good at taking hints. I emailed her back and asked what she meant point blank. She hasn't replied. This leads me to wonder if this friend knows something I do not about my other friend and our relationship. Is the other person not truly my friend? Why would this friend she imply that if not? Has the other friend said mean things about me to her or behind my back? These are questions that are now flitting about in my head.

Or, maybe my entire radar is up too high and I need to just take a chill pill already. What do you think? I should reveal here that I'm totally not PMSing right now either, so it isn't that sort of sensitivity going on! But, I have been stabbed in the back several times by women who I thought were truly my friends and felt the long-term affects of that. It is not always easy for me to fully open up now to new friends because of this.

If you were me, would you press the first friend to tell what she meant about the other friend? Would you feel suddenly that you might not be able to trust the other friend at all now? Or would you continue on in the fog that I apparently have been walking around in, with your fingers in your ears singing "lah, lah, lah...I can't hear you" and hoping that everyone just loves you to death and no one would ever betray your friendship for anything?

And, lastly, tell the truth--do I really need to see a therapist instead of posting these crazy rambling thoughts for all the world to read? Go on now, comment....inquiring minds want to know!