Friday, March 18, 2005

Analyzing the Archenemy

So, I've had a few glasses of wine and am mulling something over tonight while I don't get the rest that I need. That is, that I actually have someone in my life right now that I could call my archenemy. I know that sounds weird, but I haven't had a lot of adversaries in my life really. There are people who have annoyed me and pissed me off, and I am sure I have done the same to other people. But, that's not what I am getting at here. I mean, there is someone in my life now that I actually find enjoyment in tormenting or beating them out of things.

It is hard to admit when you realize this about yourself. You try to justify it really. Sure, this person did attempt to socially destroy my son and myself, and she lied and basically made our lives a living hell--FOR NO REASON (which still baffles me). But, this was several years ago. I no longer feel the extreme anger towards her. I don't even hate her. So, why the immaturity on my part?

Why do I relish the fact that (though she tries to hide it) she squirms when someone laughs at a joke I tell? I find it funny when she gets cut down or something she tries to do backfires. And, above all, I want to "out-do" her in everything for reasons of pure spite. And, I never ever show her when something bothers me. She will never see me upset about anything because I will never give her power to hurt me or my child again.

What does this say about me? (An aside--ironically I have just realized that I may have just described my sister's feelings toward me in a nutshell--based on some comments she's shared with me in recent years. But, that's for a different blog discussion.) Anyway, why would I have such extreme feelings toward someone that I don't hate, and don't really care to have her friendship anymore either.

I tend to really be repelled by the "button pushers" of the world. Drama queens are one thing, but people who like to cause drama to hurt someone else, or people who enjoy getting others all worked up for one reason or another, well they just really get me riled up. So, why then would I be this way with another human being and why can't I seem to get past it?

Tonight I am really wishing I could figure this out and move past it all. It's not worth my energy and I hate that I've become like this towards anyone. I want to blow things off, but can't seem to with this person.

Any thoughts blogger friends? Have you ever had someone like this in your life? How did you move past it?


Blogger Babs said...

Hey, I just discovered your sidebar links to the 5 blogs you're reading... WAY COOL! I might have to copy that. (and does that mean that lis and I dont rank in the top 5?) ;-)

As for the archenemy, I'm not sure I know how to get past that... lemme know if you figure it out!

9:56 AM, March 18, 2005  
Blogger Lisabell said...

Maybe I'm a bad person, but I don't see that you're doing anything wrong. You are not being malicious, you are not wishing her harm, you are simply getting satisfaction for rocking :) Maybe look at this as you being confident in yourself rather than you feeling happy when she fails. I do think she deserves some disdain after what she did. I admire you for even feeling guilty about your feelings -- but I think they're perfectly normal. You aren't spreading rumors or anything. In my book, as long as you're not going out of your way to hurt her, you are hurting no one.

Am I going to hell??

1:53 PM, March 18, 2005  
Blogger Crazy MomCat said...

Hehehe, no Lis. You're not going. Remember, I'm in that handbasket already from my musical tastes?

Seriously though, thanks for your words of support. I'm not normally such a spiteful person, so I don't like the way I have felt about this. But, you're right, I'm not burning her house down or anything, so whatever!

7:22 PM, March 18, 2005  

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