Birds in Flight
If you follow my family-friendly blog, you'll see today is the anniversary of my Granna's death. One year ago today, I lost one of the people who has had the most impact on my life of anyone.
Only, I haven't been able to write about it. I haven't been able to even allow myself to think too long about it, or I end up in hysterics. Losing her is truly the biggest loss I've ever had to face in my life.
For years, Jimmy and I talked about how this would probably be the last holiday with Granna. She had health problems many years prior to her death. But, actually the past few years she had been doing OK. I won't get into the details, but a serious of health issues seemed to add up for her until it was just too much and we lost her.
A part of the poem I put on my other blog is on her headstone(slightly reworded) :
"I am the up-fling of birds in flight." (I don't have the actual words my Mom changed it to.)
This is so perfect to go on her grave. You see, my Granna loved bird-watching. She had several books and feeders in her backyard. She'd spot an interesting bird and then we'd all try to figure out what it was by the pictures in her books. Her backyard was big and wonderful and attracted all kinds of birds, including blue jays and cardinals. She kept her bird feeders full and left bowls of water out for the birds to bathe in and watched out her kitchen window for her friends.
And all of this makes me think about my awful bird incident earlier this month. I think maybe one reason it upset me so, is that I still associate birds with beauty and with her. For a moment, I was watching these birds circle around our house, and it was like a piece of heaven. It was something I would have sat and described to my Granna at her kitchen table late one night when we were visiting.
So, when the two came crashing into the window, scaring both Natalie and me, it was really upsetting. It was like something was crashing into the perfect scene I was sharing with Natalie...a scene I would have surely told my Granna about.
This year has been filled with many big ups and downs. Just one month before I had my precious little girl, I lost one of the most important people in my life. She is someone that I feel I most connected with and resembled in my family, even more than my parents at times. I would have SO loved for Granna to meet Natalie. I would have loved to have seen her obsess that Natalie wasn't "taking to her" and worry away about Natalie's diet and health the way she always did with Ryan.
My Granna was 86 when she died. Ryan was 5 when he lost his great-grandmother. But, he still mentions her today, and cries because he misses her. It is my greatest hope that he will remember her when he's older. And, one day I will write more on here about the impact she had on my life. But, for now, I'd just like to remember her and think of those beautiful circling birds on my front porch.
Only, I haven't been able to write about it. I haven't been able to even allow myself to think too long about it, or I end up in hysterics. Losing her is truly the biggest loss I've ever had to face in my life.
For years, Jimmy and I talked about how this would probably be the last holiday with Granna. She had health problems many years prior to her death. But, actually the past few years she had been doing OK. I won't get into the details, but a serious of health issues seemed to add up for her until it was just too much and we lost her.
A part of the poem I put on my other blog is on her headstone(slightly reworded) :
"I am the up-fling of birds in flight." (I don't have the actual words my Mom changed it to.)
This is so perfect to go on her grave. You see, my Granna loved bird-watching. She had several books and feeders in her backyard. She'd spot an interesting bird and then we'd all try to figure out what it was by the pictures in her books. Her backyard was big and wonderful and attracted all kinds of birds, including blue jays and cardinals. She kept her bird feeders full and left bowls of water out for the birds to bathe in and watched out her kitchen window for her friends.
And all of this makes me think about my awful bird incident earlier this month. I think maybe one reason it upset me so, is that I still associate birds with beauty and with her. For a moment, I was watching these birds circle around our house, and it was like a piece of heaven. It was something I would have sat and described to my Granna at her kitchen table late one night when we were visiting.
So, when the two came crashing into the window, scaring both Natalie and me, it was really upsetting. It was like something was crashing into the perfect scene I was sharing with Natalie...a scene I would have surely told my Granna about.
This year has been filled with many big ups and downs. Just one month before I had my precious little girl, I lost one of the most important people in my life. She is someone that I feel I most connected with and resembled in my family, even more than my parents at times. I would have SO loved for Granna to meet Natalie. I would have loved to have seen her obsess that Natalie wasn't "taking to her" and worry away about Natalie's diet and health the way she always did with Ryan.
My Granna was 86 when she died. Ryan was 5 when he lost his great-grandmother. But, he still mentions her today, and cries because he misses her. It is my greatest hope that he will remember her when he's older. And, one day I will write more on here about the impact she had on my life. But, for now, I'd just like to remember her and think of those beautiful circling birds on my front porch.
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 3:24 AM
1 Comments:
I so know how you feel -- the 9-year anniversary of my Granmother's death was last month, and it still stings. However, I dream of her often, and she talks to me in my dreams -- about things that are going on right now in my life :) So I still feel a strong connection and it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Interestingly, during one of the recent conversations I had w/my dad while he was on morphine (VERY interesting), he told me she comes to him in his dreams too. I have never heard my dad say he misses anyone, and it wasn't even his own mother. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I get it, I really do.
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