Little MomCat grows up...awww...

Darn that reflection and self-growth! I think it was spawned by my class reunion. There's been a lot of remembering and realizing how much I've changed over the past few weeks. And, somehow during all of that thinking time, I must have grown up a little more about something else too.

Awhile back, I posted something that reads very tacky to me now. A situation where an old friend was trying to get in touch with me and I was desperately trying to avoid her. But, between all the reunion sites, business networking sites and so forth, it was becoming darn hard to avoid her emailed requests to "reconnect" with me. Apparently, in this day and age, it is hard to actually lose touch with someone who really doesn't want to lose touch with you. In fact, I've learned it is near impossible.

This girl was really only a friend for a few years in college. She came to me at a time when I needed a very loyal friend, which she definitely was. I had been stabbed in the back and really devastated by some girlfriends from my dorm. College friend was very enthusiastic about our friendship and eventually became borderline stalkerish about it. Never had I had a friend who cared so much about doing things with me!

By the time I married, had a few really bad visits with her where she offended both my new husband and me, and then drove many miles to come to her wedding only to be insulted, I had decided enough was enough. So, I did something I've never done to a friend--I dropped her.

Only, as it turns out, college friend is very persistent. I've had probably a good 6-8 years of emails and requests being sent to me from her wanting to reconnect. And, today, when I got my newest request--one where she'd found me on a business network and I knew she knew that my account had been updated recently, I just decided it was time to be mature and stop hiding.

I accepted her request to link to me. I did not email her, and maybe she will get the hint. No reunions necessary or wanted. But, probably not. I expect to get an email from her soon.

I recently reconnected with a couple of old friends from high school and we've had a series of emails to one another that have been very interesting to me. Both women have changed and grown up in significamt ways.

One has a child with a debilitating and possibly fatal disease, who shared with me that she's learned that life is too short and things like what you have are not near as important as enjoying time with your dear family and friends.

The other friend has set aside that old need to want to impress people or feel popular and just wants to connect with people who are real--instead of being driven by impressing people with what she has or has accomplished. Ironically, she is more impressive than ever to me because of this fact.

Both friends learned valuable lessons that I feel like I did not have to learn because they are things that, thankfully, I have always known. But, that's not to say I don't have my own issues. My own lessons are coming to me these days, by way of cyberspace. And my latest revelation is this:

Friendship is a blessing, even if it fades or changes. And, if someone thinks enough of you to want to still stay friends, even after you've moved on and grown in a different direction from them, take that as a compliment. Be accepting of that, if you can. Remember why you chose that friend to begin with and all that they gave you all those years ago. Because that is something of value, no matter how much time has gone by or how much you have changed. You don't have to rekindle that friendship to honor what it was...

Dreaming of a six pack...

I often write about my struggles with getting fit, losing weight, and getting healthy. And, really what you can take from all of that is that A> I am too consumed by it all and B>I'm constantly at work on accepting myself as is.

What is most hard for me to wrap my brain around is that there are some parts of me, that even if I work out like crazy and eat right, are never going to "go back again" after having two kids and hitting my mid-to-late 30s.

One of my favorite blogs to read is a weight loss success story of one woman who, once she'd lost the weight and learned to keep it off, decided to have a tummy tuck and was awesome enough to show photos of this online and the progress as she healed from the surgery. I connect with her probably because, that excess skin around the waist is my issue--one that my trainer pretty much told me there was nothing I could do about without surgery. So, I have continued to read this blogger's stories as she's shared her great recipes and her ups and downs with her readers. And, recently, she announced she was having more surgery to fix the love handles that aren't going away with exercise.

There was a big part of me that thought--whoa. Enough, girlfriend.

And, at the same time, another part of me screamed out--you GO girl!

I fight this struggle in my head daily. And, I don't think I'm the only one.

First off, the fact that I won't fork over the couple grand to have the gap in my front teeth fixed (AKA--my biggest trauma from adolescence) kind of makes me think--hmm, am I really going to hand over the kind of SERIOUS money to have my tummy doo-lap (how DO you spell that, by the way) snipped away?

But, then it feels like I am losing the hardest battle I've ever fought when I do workout after workout, and really change my body shape only to have 2-3 inches of extra flab in my problem area hiding any hope I could have of ever having a six-pack or even going down many sizes in pants.

Then, there's a part of me that thinks, why not do something that makes you feel good inside? If you are a fairly stable person who can approach the whole thing very logically and realize that losing post-pregnancy skin will not solve world peace, nor will it make you a super model, then what's so bad with that? I never plan to be a bikini model at this stage, I'd just like to look equally fit across my whole body. I'd like my hard work to show everywhere...especially the area that I focus the most on when working out.

Today, at my daughter's gymnastics class, I started chatting with a good friend of mine. Our kids are the same ages and she's one of these people that I envy sometimes. She just has a sense of style to her that doesn't come naturally for me and never has. Her house is perfect. I love how she dresses and accessorizes and of course she's as thin as a rail.

Someone brought up the name of a dermatologist which set us off onto the Botox or not to Botox conversation. And, she rattled off facts, figures, and all sorts of information about the latest treatments for wrinkles and aging. She pointed to her neck and talked about how she wanted to have it done, but it was too expensive. As I sat staring at her face, which didn't have a line or a problem that I could see, and I had to control my mouth not dropping open at her. Then, I started feeling a little angry. Because she looks so great--why would SHE need work?

Why can't women accept themselves the way God made them? Men somehow do. I mean, I know all guys have a few insecurities, but they seem to shrug them off for the most part with an, "Oh well, that's just me." What I wouldn't give for the ability to have that attitude!

A few days ago I was at the gym working out when I noticed something as I was working my shoulders out. I was doing those awful "Ws" with the weights (if you've done this, you know what I'm talking about), and I found myself looking more objectively at myself in the mirror. No longer was I fixating on my waist or my thick neck. I wasn't comparing my midsection with the other people working out. I was looking and thinking, "Hey, my shoulders are really starting to look defined. I look in proportion. I like my athletic build. I'm so glad I'm not built any differently!"

And, you know what? It felt really good. I am not saying I won't ever get the tuck. Because if I reach all of my weight loss and fitness goals, that might be my reward one day. But, what I hope more than anything is to look in a mirror and not see the flaws, but the features that God gave me and not feel like that's arrogance on my part, but self-acceptance.

And, if I can pass that way of thinking on to my daughter, then will have accomplished a heck of a lot more than a six pack, won't I?

A gathering of sorts...

I have so many posts floating in my head right now. There are many things I have wanted to write about, but things I don’t really feel that I can or I have not found the right words for just yet. The short of this is that I am struggling through some life choices—that I don’t feel I can share on this forum right now.

When I look at this past year, there have been so many challenging things that I have chosen to not blog about, and probably should have. Instead, I pulled back and made my blog more light and fluffy and in turn probably lost a little of my own voice on what is supposed to be an outlet and window into my true being. What do I get out of writing my personal thoughts online? Well, while I like to hear what my readers have to say, it is mostly because after I write it, I tend to find myself reflecting upon it and understanding myself a little more.

Life has turned into this heavy/hard thing for me lately, and all I know to do is focus on changing that, and attempt to find joy and get to that place where I feel like I am comfortable where I am all while being true to myself. Because I am not in that place right now and it is showing to all who are close to me. Something is just not right...

So, while I am not prepared to open up just yet with all my problems, I am willing to share how I’m going to try to bring things back into focus. That would be by way of the two Ts, as a good friend put it: Therapy and Training.

I emailed my trainer yesterday and told her I was ready to come back. Working out consistently again on my own has gotten me to a certain level, but my weight continues to be at a regretful place that is not helping me get off of these diabetes medications. And, I’ll admit completely, my 20-year class reunion in mid-June has me scrambling a bit as well. I know, I know... I can't lose a massive amount of weight by then, but I can work hard and feel good about that before I go and shake hands with old friends from a day when I was teased about being so skinny.

And the therapy…we’ll I have done it before. At one point in my life, it brought clarity to both my relationship with my mother and sister and helped to heal my marriage. A few other times I have felt it did nothing but cause me to dredge up emotions that I didn't know how to heal. Problems that continue to resurface to this day even.

This time, I have many areas to work through and until I can voice things and think them through, I feel like I will stay in this state of self-confusion. Stuck in this place where I struggle most days to find myself and understand what path to take next.

It’s time to gather myself up and right myself again...

Here I go again on my own...

Why did the words to WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" song pop into my head as I began typing this post? No, I'm not longing for the big hair bands of the 80s, at least not THAT much. And I don't have the strong desire to gyrate around in barely anything on top of a car. But, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you will soon understand as this post will sound all too familar. Is it Deja Vu? Not really...I just seem to be repeating the same patterns in my life.

This has been a year of questioning for me. Questioning the path I have chosen, questioning my abilities as a parent, questioning my health and why I can't seem to get on the right path there, questioning my marriage with its ups and downs...just plain questioning. I don't know if it has to do with being close enough to see the big 4-0, or how long I've been married, or the various decisions I've made until now, but I have a lot of unsettled business to take care of in my life. And, I've decided that it is high time that I start doing that. Not to be crass, but it is time that I get my shit together, people!

Part of my Get My Shit Together (GMST), plan has to do with my weight. I have a lot of little buggers in my genetic makeup that seem to be plotting against me on this and they are winning the war currently. I have Type II Diabetes and an enlarged thyroid/hypothyroidism and am at least 20-30 pounds overweight, and yet I'm not obese and many say I need to lose just 5-10 when they see me. I don't. I need to lose 20-30 to have the hope of getting off my diabetes/thyroid medications.

I take an unmentionable number of pills a day. And I freaking hate taking medicine. This is not working for me. Until now, I have found myself in one of two camps on the pill taking: 1>taking them and cursing under my breath while becoming more and more depressed or 2> not taking them at all and conveniently forgetting to take them as often as possible. The latter has been happening more than the former. This is not good and it has to change.

What else has to change? Well, let me cut to the chase here and make this longer post wrap up a heck of a lot faster with a tidy little list for myself.

MomCat's GMST Goals:

1. Work out at least 5 days a week, every day if you can--even if it is 15-30 minutes of jogging on the treadmill. Try to find a balance of cardio, weights, and strength training.
Actions: Revisit this each week to see how you did and make adjustments as necessary.

2. Cut out the cokes and avoid caffeine whenever possible.
Actions: 1st month-only 1 coke per week. Then, cut entirely. Watch tea in the PM.

3. Cut way low on carbs and eat more veggies and fruit. Plan out meals and snacks in advance so there's less room for failure and shop for the body I want.
Actions: Hummus, raw veggies, and lowfat popcorn for snacking this week, make meal plan.

4. Work hard to find a better balance in my life between work, family, fun and fitness. Make sure one doesn't outweigh the other three if I can help it. Once I find a balance, KEEP IT no matter what!
Actions: Wrap up next issue of magazine and research ways to streamline and make things faster next time.

5. Hold myself to this plan for at least 3 months, and then see where I am. Do NOT GIVE UP!
Actions: Weekly, write a blog post about my progress and admit where I screw up. Forgive myself and stay with it. After 3 months, post my results and see where this needs refining.

One of my favorite blogs is The Amazing Shrinking Mom. Melodee is so inspirational. She has lost 60 pounds and continues to stay with it. She has chronicled her weight loss struggles and victories and is brutally honest on her blog when she has a bad day. She has held herself to an exercise every day rule for longer than I can remember. In short...she is DOING what I need to do!

So, I'm going to follow her lead here and I'm going to publicly talk about this really difficult part of my life so that I feel somewhat pressured, if for nothing else than avoiding public humiliation, to keep up with what I'm trying to achieve.

Today was Sunday, July 1st. On July 24, I will turn 37 years old. I will not allow myself to reach 40 without achieving what I must with regards to my health and weight issues.

July 1 - Sunday's Progress:

• Worked out at the gym even though I was worn out and had tons of work at home to do.


• Breakfast, dinner and post dinner snack were healthy. Lunch? Uh, not so much.

July 2 - Monday's Plan:

• Do cardio class late in the day due to packed morning schedule.


• Plan out and eat healthy meals and snacks.


• Purge refrigerator of the bad and plan to stock with veggies and the good.


• Plan next day's exercise and menus thoroughly before going to bed.

OK, it's all out there now. No turning back! Wish me luck!

The down side of positive chi...

For many months now, I've had some really lucky opportunities come my way. (Knock on wood, please.) I have tried to make the most of those and count my blessings along the way. I have also let this positive streak impact my outlook. I have tried to be more of a positive person and focus on the good things I have going on. In general, this has made me a much happier person.

If any of you watched the Oprah show recently about the laws of attraction, it is that sort of thing--positivity breeds more good things in your life and attracts positive attention rather than the opposite.

And, I'm happy to say, this little experiment is really working like gangbusters. But, while I'm trying to be the optimist, I do have to say I have actually found a NEGATIVE in all of this positivity.

Last week, I got a mysterious phone call from my minister, mentioning wanting to have lunch or coffee to talk about "an opportunity that he really sees as ideal for me." He didn't really specify, he only mentioned that he feels I have "some gifts" that I could offer to the children's ministries in our church.

Red flags went up for me and I was a nervous mess days before our lunch meeting. Our church recently had to let go its Director of Children's' Ministries, who also happened to be a friend of mine. Financially, the church couldn't support her position right now. And, so our minister said he planned to head up the children's activities himself, with a lot of help from parents in the church. I was on board with this, attending children's ministry meetings and so forth, offering my feedback and help where I could.

And, then my life got a little crazy. I became the editor of a magazine and I faced the insanity that is post-spring break with my son's school and activities. (If we make it to June, I will be doing the dance of joy, no doubt!) And, I continued to help out at church where I could, but I can only do so much.

Right before I went to the lunch with my minister, I got an email from a close friend with whom I'd shared this mysterious phone call, who jokingly told me, "Congratulations on being the new Children's Minister to your church." She, like I, over-commits herself and knows the dangerous path I was on--one filled with guilt for not helping out more at the church and a overly booked schedule that makes it hard for me to even read a book anymore.

I laughed and then gulped deeply because there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that didn't sit well with me. And, as it turns out, that pit feeling was right on target. My minister, after a long string of idle chit-chat, got down to brass tacks and offered me a job with the church. A mini-coordinator type of job that would be paid and would require just about 10-15 hours a week of my time. Lots of perks were thrown in, like my daughter could attend MDO free there and I could work my own hours, etc. And, of course, the comments about how this might be my calling and I'd be ideal for the role, yadda, yadda.

GULP.

When I got over the shock of it all, I quite frankly asked him why he'd thought of me. I explained that I grew up in a small town church that was too small to even have Sunday school. I felt like I didn't have the Biblical knowledge to be in such a role for our church, to be honest. It was very flattering, but was he sure he wanted ME? He explained to me why he'd thought of me instantly and why he was sure that this was the role for me. And, his explanations made sense. Based on his description of the job, I would be very well suited and probably would exceed in what they needed me to do. The role would actually be similar to my Editor's role where I would be the hub, the point man for things, but mainly delegating and making sure those things were done, without really having to do them myself.

As I drove home from the meeting, I felt sick inside. I knew deep down that I would have to disappoint the church. I cannot take on this role in my life right now. My daughter is moving to three days a week preschool so that I can even continue on in my role as editor of the magazine. While logistically, I know I could make this job work, it would mean giving up any free time I had for things like working out, cleaning my house, and just me time. I don't have a ton of that time as it is. So, while technically, I do the job, I will be telling him no and not taking it.

And, now back to that negative side of the positive mojo.... when you are busy putting out a happy aura, and drawing in that positive chi, you are bound to draw in offers that you don't want or need. And, hence, even in my new attempts to be an optimist, I have shown my true skill as a pessimist. People, I can find a negative in anything. It's a gift...

Lots Lost, and a Little Found...

The past few weeks have all been about being lost, I think.

First, my favorite show, "Lost" has resumed. My family gave it mixed reviews with the bizarre Desmond time-travel twist. I personally loved it. But, then, I loved The Time Traveler's Wife and think that sort of stuff is fascinating if not taken too far. So, I'm so happy to be back into "Lost" again.

But, there have been other stories of being lost that we've been bombarded with lately. Lost was Anna-Nicole--in her life, in her problems, into whatever it was that plagued her and destroyed her life. So, lost, in fact that I think she was rather sad. Did she have anyone to trust? Or was she drawing to herself the type of people that she, in fact was? Whomever or whatever killed Anna, no one can deny that her death was as tragic as many points of her life. And, when I think about her son's death, coupled with just having had a baby and postpartum depression possibilities along with her many other problems, it is no wonder she lost her battle with life. Let's hope her baby doesn't wind up with the same fate as she grows up to custody battles and power-plays over her money.

Whether it is drugs or post-partum or both for Britney, the latest shots of her shaved head and her erratic behavior scream out to me that she's so very lost. In her case, while I know she's a publicity hound and I typically despise those types of celebrities, I feel sorry for her. She seems so very immature for her age and I really feel like she's breaking down. Yes, she is rich and could pay for a shrink. Yes, life is all about those choices. But, she's a beautiful girl and she just seems to be spiralling downward. The paparazzi may think that the world loves to see this on front page news, but I for one do not. I pray that she finds herself and gets it together soon. What a talent to be wasting away as she is.

And, amidst all of this losing of ones self, I discovered a little something that I think may help me find myself and keep me grounded. I don't know if you all caught The Secret show on Oprah and then her follow-up show on the thought-provoking DVD/book, but they really spoke to me. The show was all about the energy you put out, and the laws of attraction.

I grew up the daughter of an optimistic and easily-forgiving father and extremely pessimistic and fatalist mother. I love them both. For a good portion of my life, I spent it thinking as my mother does, of the worst. I get my lovely dark sense of humor from her, so it isn't all bad! But, as I've grown older and I've had the pleasure of watching how my mother-in-law lives her life, as well as my own father and husband, I have learned a lot about choosing a better outlook on things. Oprah's show dealt with this topic, and using that to find success in your life. It was fascinating and it really hit home with me. I look forward to checking out The Secret DVD or book soon.

Facing our life with gratitude for the blessings we do have, as well as a focus on positivity in the future, can only bring positive energy our way. If you have the emotional maturity to take something out of even the worst situation, and realize that you can learn and grow as a person in the face of tragedy and sadness, then you are truly evolved. That is my goal in life--to let go of the negative, the self-loathing and dwelling on the bad, and face the light--the positive and hopeful. And, it is the mindset that I hope to teach my children to take on as they grow up as well.

So, I've found my life path now, and I no longer feel lost! And, how's that for a blog title tie-in?