I'm a church mom reject...

I think I have probably whined about this before on here, and if I have I do apologize. I'm having a weird experience at my church that I'm struggling with.

It all started last year, when a group of us younger Moms (I'm 37, but in my church anything under 60 is considered young) decided to join in on the Wednesday craft days by making cards for our annual craft fair.

I'm not tooting my own horn, but it was actually my idea, suggested to another Mom who I knew was a scrapbooker and crafty, because I thought it would be a great way to use our scrapbooking "scraps" and tools for a good cause.

Well, the whole experience left a really bad taste in my mouth, unfortunately. As it turns out, another younger Mom was already supposedly in charge of the craft stuff (although my mother-in-law who attends every week had never seen the younger ladies there working at all). So she somewhat took over midway for our efforts, but not in the way that was helpful.

Honestly, I could care less about coordinating another thing in my life, so I was fine with this. I already coordinate our children's liturgy, am the webmaster for the church website, and am on the communications committee. However, she suggested that I bring some things and maybe bring some examples to show everyone the type of things we could create, because she knew I was very into scrapbooking.

In the end, things started becoming a huge burden on me, and no one else. People would come with barely any tools and want to use all of my paper, glue, supplies. I had planned to not be reimbursed as a donation to the church, but it was getting out of hand. A few of the ladies were actually demanding that I bring examples for them to copy, instead of everyone finding examples in magazines and bringing their own things.

Then, the coordinator lady suggested that I might not bring as much stuff for everyone and let everyone else sort of fend for themselves. After a few of my things went missing one week, I happily agreed with her.

The next week, I showed up with my cards half done and just enough to finish my own stuff. And, the coordinator and her friends all acted very huffy with me about the whole thing--shooting me looks of shock and awe that I wasn't helping everyone out again. WTF???

I wasn't happy, but decided I would just continue coming and bringing my own stuff to work on and be friendly, but not be a doormat any longer. The last meeting we were asked to all bring something for lunch. As we started discussing it in our small group, I was amazed at the gall of these women for what happened next. When the one mom and I started talking about appetizer dishes we could make, the coordinator lady basically told me in front of everyone that my appetizer could be doubled and would work great for the main dish and to do that. Then, the rest of them turned their backs to me and planned what snacks they'd bring (crackers, fruit, veggies). I sat with my mouth open.

The next week, I brought my tortellini salad with chicken added to make it more of an entree for all the crafters there (there are many older ladies who work too). It ended up being quite expensive to do the double recipe I made and took a lot of time as all of the veggies had to be sliced up for it. The other ladies drove by the grocery and bought a box of crackers and some presliced fruit or premade dip as their contribution. And as had to stand and served everyone, they all sat around too.

That day, I decided to back out of the craft days, as much as I love to make cards. I gave the excuse that my magazine work was too consuming and I left the group, and everyone seemed quite content with that.

From that day on, I have been nixed by the younger ladies in my church and pushed out of their little circle. And, the behavior continues on. This morning I showed up to help out with the liturgy teaching I was scheduled to do with the the card coordinator lady. She pulled me aside and asked me why I was teaching if I was the coordinator--didn't I just organize things and wasn't there someone else who could handle our shift?

I have never felt less welcome in my life. After church, my husband asked what the problem was with this lady and her family. Not sure what he was talking about (because I hadn't told him yet), he told me that the woman and her husband quickly moved and avoided eye contact with him, choosing to not even speak when he walked up by them for our Palm Sunday processional. Again, WTF???

I hate to use that acronym when talking about church, but I think this is unchristian-like behavior. And, I am left feeling really hurt because what did I do to these ladies but try and help out really? I have never spoken a unkind word, even in the midst of all the craft day mess. And, randomly, they'll be super friendly to me as if they haven't seen me in ages and ask how I am. But, in between those rare occasions are ones like today--things like this go on.

I'm not typically someone who gets left out of things. I am no queen bee or popularity winner, but I've always blended quite well in social circles and consider myself to have a lot of friendly acquaintances and several close friends. So, I am completely baffled by this all.

After brewing on it some today, I announced to my husband that as soon as I was done with my commitments at the church for this year, and provided my mother-in-law decides to not attend much anymore because of changes in the service style, I would want to look for a new church. As I told him, I don't want to be in my 50s attending this church years later and making the 30 minute drive to do so, only be be treated this way from the other women in my peer group.

I think church should be a safe haven--the one place a person can go where they can feel community and acceptance and love from their peers. And, right now, I don't feel a lot of love at all. And, to me, that's really quite sad...

A milestone...pathetic, but a milestone...

I had this trip this weekend that I was all sort of anxious and happy/excited about. It was to a church conference of my church's diocese. I was flattered to be nominated to be a representative and while I didn't win the vote, I still got to go as an alternative and have my registration paid.

So, driving there yesterday, I kept wondering, why I am feeling so giddy about this? The trip was only to Galveston, no more than an hour or two away.

Then, something I am almost embarassed to admit came to me. I am a 37-year-old woman who has never checked into or stayed in a hotel by myself!

I am dead serious.

Every work excursion I've taken was for a conference where we always shared a room. I've traveled all over Texas to see friends, and even flown to visit a few. I never stay alone. Scrapbooking retreats--I've driven all over Texas...to stay in a cabin with other friends.

The realization of this made me feel sort of pathetic and weak, actually...but also quite determined to enjoy it.

The irony is, I barely got to do that. After packing bubble bath, a ton of magazines I've saved up to read, a few good books and making plans to just veg and totally enjoy myself, the conference opening service ran very late that evening and after a short social hob-nob time I didn't get to my room until around 10:30 p.m. Then, after calling the hubs, getting ice and a drink, unpacking and trying to wind down, I didn't get to bed until close to midnight thanks to being in a different surroundings. I had to get up at 6:30 a.m., but was woken up by neighbors at 6 a.m. by their repeated flushing of the toilet. (Someone had major cloggage next door!)

So, I had around six hours of alone, independent woman time...during which I was sleeping! Not enough for me, actually. I can't tell you the number of times as a mom of young children I have fantacized about just planning a time when I could check into a semi-foofy hotel and just sleep, tub soak, and read to my heart's content in the silence of my room. Not that I don't love my family--but I have always been the type who needs some solitude time. I'm not sure why.

Now, that I have had a mini-taste of this, something tells me I'm going to want more of that sometime again! Hmm...a scrapbooking weekend by myself in a hotel room? I'm thinking I'm on to something here!!!

On an unrelated note...have you ever caught yourself aging yourself forward by mistake? I am 37 and turn 38 at the end of July. I swear I have been telling people (and maybe even on this blog) that I am 38 for several months now. What the hell? I could at least get it wrong by making myself younger! More proof I need a vacation...right? (wink, wink)

A blessed curse...

I seem to have an aura about me, or perhaps it is a large sign that I can't see but everyone else can, that says "dump work on this person." And, in a day when some people are desperate for employment, I hope that this post doesn't make me sound quite spoiled and selfish.

I think I wrote awhile back about being hit up by my minister to do a part-time children's ministry coordinator role for our church in a time of need. While completely taken aback by the offer (I thought he was going to ask me to teach Sunday school) and flattered, I turned it down. I had recently started my editorship of the magazine and that's the dream job I have always wanted--albeit it is a few years too early since my daughter's not in elementary school yet. The job has since just about eaten me alive with the amount of work and long hours, of which I am not being paid for adequately.

Still, I love it and don't want to leave it.

Well, today, my minister called again telling me he had a short bit of news and a longer/more serious thing in which he wanted to talk with me. I knew I was in trouble when he asked me to sit down before he got to the longer bit of the conversation.

And, then he asked me to be the Director of Children's Ministries, a salaried position, for our church.

If you followed that link before, you know that I was not prepared for this offer, nor do I feel qualified. By the end of my phone call with our minister, he'd told me that sometimes "God's callings come in surprises" and that I should consider it. He'd suggested that if I quit my magazine job and other part time work, that my volunteer time would be worked in with my work schedule at the church, so I'd actually have MORE free time. And, he reminded me that my daughter could go free to the church's preschool/MDO program.

As my husband told me when hung up and was upset, "Some people would be so happy to get an offer like that." And, he's right. But, I am not.

In fact, I was angry. And, while that doesn't sound like the expected emotion, I'll try to explain it here.

I am starting to feel like I am a sucker. From the beginning, my work at the magazine has felt under appreciated and underpaid. I was sold on a job that, in reality, is about 5 times the work that I was told it would be.

My minister's continuance to approach me with these offers messes with my head, quite frankly. I am not interested in the job, nor do I feel qualified in the least. On the one hand, I feel honored he thinks this much of me, but on the other I feel quite annoyed and a bit manipulated and used by this. And, that's disturbing when you're talking about your church.

For weeks, my husband and I have chatted about our big concerns with this church. Good people we enjoy knowing are leaving at a rapid pace, and usually unhappy when they leave, though we have no idea why or what is going on. More than once, people have made comments to both of us separately that lead us to believe the church big whigs are ready for us to step up and be the next big generation of leaders in the congregation--a role that neither of us is entirely comfortable or ready to fill.

And, now this. As my husband recently said, it almost feels like we have to leave this church to get away from this pressure.

I like my church. I feel like I'm just starting to build friendships and getting to really know some people. I love participating and helping out when I can.

With that said, I'm no Children's Minister. I don't have it in me and that role is not something I have ever aspired to have. God's calling or not, I am turning it down. And, with that comes the extreme guilt because I have a hard time saying no to the church especially when the role helps out my children and their peers and is so desperately needed. But, sweet you-know-who, I can't even keep my HOUSE clean and organized, how can I be expected to run an entire church's slew of ministries for young kids?

So, I'm begging you the question--how do you remove that "give me work" aura? How can you be an honest and hard-working person, without others seeing that and then wanting you to do XYZ for them?

This is not the first time this has happened to me. I have a lifetime of these kind of offers. And, it is starting to feel like a curse that I do not know how to rid myself of. I'm starting to feel like I need to go into solitude, hiding in a hermit-like existence in my home and rarely venturing out at all. I'm getting quite bitter.

And, my friends, that's just not good at all...

The down side of positive chi...

For many months now, I've had some really lucky opportunities come my way. (Knock on wood, please.) I have tried to make the most of those and count my blessings along the way. I have also let this positive streak impact my outlook. I have tried to be more of a positive person and focus on the good things I have going on. In general, this has made me a much happier person.

If any of you watched the Oprah show recently about the laws of attraction, it is that sort of thing--positivity breeds more good things in your life and attracts positive attention rather than the opposite.

And, I'm happy to say, this little experiment is really working like gangbusters. But, while I'm trying to be the optimist, I do have to say I have actually found a NEGATIVE in all of this positivity.

Last week, I got a mysterious phone call from my minister, mentioning wanting to have lunch or coffee to talk about "an opportunity that he really sees as ideal for me." He didn't really specify, he only mentioned that he feels I have "some gifts" that I could offer to the children's ministries in our church.

Red flags went up for me and I was a nervous mess days before our lunch meeting. Our church recently had to let go its Director of Children's' Ministries, who also happened to be a friend of mine. Financially, the church couldn't support her position right now. And, so our minister said he planned to head up the children's activities himself, with a lot of help from parents in the church. I was on board with this, attending children's ministry meetings and so forth, offering my feedback and help where I could.

And, then my life got a little crazy. I became the editor of a magazine and I faced the insanity that is post-spring break with my son's school and activities. (If we make it to June, I will be doing the dance of joy, no doubt!) And, I continued to help out at church where I could, but I can only do so much.

Right before I went to the lunch with my minister, I got an email from a close friend with whom I'd shared this mysterious phone call, who jokingly told me, "Congratulations on being the new Children's Minister to your church." She, like I, over-commits herself and knows the dangerous path I was on--one filled with guilt for not helping out more at the church and a overly booked schedule that makes it hard for me to even read a book anymore.

I laughed and then gulped deeply because there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that didn't sit well with me. And, as it turns out, that pit feeling was right on target. My minister, after a long string of idle chit-chat, got down to brass tacks and offered me a job with the church. A mini-coordinator type of job that would be paid and would require just about 10-15 hours a week of my time. Lots of perks were thrown in, like my daughter could attend MDO free there and I could work my own hours, etc. And, of course, the comments about how this might be my calling and I'd be ideal for the role, yadda, yadda.

GULP.

When I got over the shock of it all, I quite frankly asked him why he'd thought of me. I explained that I grew up in a small town church that was too small to even have Sunday school. I felt like I didn't have the Biblical knowledge to be in such a role for our church, to be honest. It was very flattering, but was he sure he wanted ME? He explained to me why he'd thought of me instantly and why he was sure that this was the role for me. And, his explanations made sense. Based on his description of the job, I would be very well suited and probably would exceed in what they needed me to do. The role would actually be similar to my Editor's role where I would be the hub, the point man for things, but mainly delegating and making sure those things were done, without really having to do them myself.

As I drove home from the meeting, I felt sick inside. I knew deep down that I would have to disappoint the church. I cannot take on this role in my life right now. My daughter is moving to three days a week preschool so that I can even continue on in my role as editor of the magazine. While logistically, I know I could make this job work, it would mean giving up any free time I had for things like working out, cleaning my house, and just me time. I don't have a ton of that time as it is. So, while technically, I do the job, I will be telling him no and not taking it.

And, now back to that negative side of the positive mojo.... when you are busy putting out a happy aura, and drawing in that positive chi, you are bound to draw in offers that you don't want or need. And, hence, even in my new attempts to be an optimist, I have shown my true skill as a pessimist. People, I can find a negative in anything. It's a gift...