Ever tried to lose one before?

In general, I'm not the blow-off-your-friends type of person. In fact, I'm closer to the annoying friend who won't let your friendship die than I'd care to admit, most likely. But, I'm pretty sure that I'm not all psycho about it either. I feel a loss when I lose touch, try to reconnect, and then let it go if it is clear the other person doesn't really care about my friendship anymore. That's life, I suppose. We can't win them all.

A former friend of mine that I've managed to "lose" for several years now has been bombarding my old email account, the one I still use for mailing lists and potential spam-generating things, with messages from various sources trying to find me. From a reunions site where tonight I was sent an alert, a message and two posts were left on the site, to two days ago the "face" site where people reconnect, to a few other ones that I'd not heard of.

And, I sit silently not replying to these messages with the knowledge that she is going to eventually track me down. She is tech-savvy enough to do it, I know.

And, then I feel somewhat guilty for not replying back just a simple "hello" with a breezy update of my life. I mean, how hard would that be? But, then she'd learn where I live, how old my kids are and what is going on with me. She'd have the ability to reattach herself in my life, and that is not something I am willing to deal with right now in my life.

Before you think I am cruel, you can't understand unless you know the history of this person (which I have too little space and time here to detail). After a series of bad picks on flaky friends in college, I found myself at this point in my life where I needed a real friend who I could count on and who was loyal to me. And, I found that in this girl. But, I also found a little more than I bargained for too.

There were a few "Single White Female" type of moments. Times when she got irate to the point of yelling on the phone about me spending time with my boyfriend, or at my internship-turned-job my senior year of school. I was already engaged and planning a wedding. That did not matter, she was insanely upset and jealous that I spent the time I did with my fiancee and didn't put her higher on the list.

This all continued. She was in my wedding, because at that time I still valued that I had a friend who cared so much, but even deep inside I think it was more because I was scared to NOT have her in my wedding. There were positives though. We had the same warped sense of humor and she loved to go out and do fun things, but there were other things that bothered me. She was smothering at times, and tended to be unstable in her personal relationships with guys. A close friend of my family's confided in my mother than this girl went completely psycho and stalked her son, whom she'd only casually dated for awhile.

Things like that always nagged at me in the back of my mind. And, I should have taken heed early on.

After we were married, I kept in touch for a little while, thankfully as a long distance friend. She came to see my first apartment, and berated it along with my measly hourly salary and that of my husband's starter job (even though she stayed in college a good year or two more because she didn't know WHAT she wanted to do with herself). She acted really obnoxious and embarrassing around a close friend of ours with whom she actually had a crush. And several other weird little visits followed once or twice every year. I got to where I dreaded getting that email or phone call that she'd be coming through town, and my husband HATED it completely.

A year or so later, I hit my breaking point. I made a long drive to my hometown leaving my husband at home the weekend of her wedding, and begged my sister (who hates this girl) to go with me. At the wedding, I have never been treated so rudely. First, she informed me quite publicly that everyone there thought I was country teen sensation Lee Ann Rimes. (Rimes was still in her baby fat era, so not good for me. Plus, I was too old to enjoy this comparison, although now I wouldn't mind it. She, however, found it hilarious.) Then, she kept griping at me for not doing things or staying in better touch all evening. Then, after I'd sat through the awkward wedding and half of the reception, my sister could take no more and begged me to leave. I waited until she'd opened a rather generous gift from me and my husband, and I politely thanked her and went to leave.

That's when I got the "Heddy" SWF psycho look of anger from her, as she made a half jokingly comment/threat about how could I dare leave so early and she couldn't believe how I wasn't going to stay to the very end after all that she'd done for me. Again, this was all said publicly in front of her new husband and several other wedding attenders.

I guess I really pissed the girl off, I don't know.

It was then that I decided that this might be the first friend that I purposely try to lose. And, until just a few weeks ago, I didn't have a second thought about it. Until I started getting the emails, one after the other. "I'm trying to find you. Where are you? I miss you!"

And, that red flag went up again, with each email that has been received in my inbox.

It is normal for someone to want to look up an old friend after many years. Yes. But, there is nothing normal about bombarding their inbox with messages from 4-5 reunion/connection sites.

And, so, I sit silently and do not respond. If she does find me, I'll lie and say I never check that email account anymore or something. But, I feel nervous. What if she even finds me on here? What would I do? And, why can't I lose this person really?

Have you ever had a friend you needed to "lose?" When you read this, do you think I sound like an utter jerk? Go on, tell the truth now...