Crikey! Someone needs to stop her already!

Dear Bindi Irwin,

I have a bone to pick with your precious little animal-loving self. You see, Bindi...(and while we're at it, where DID your parents find that name?)...I really WANT to like you a lot.

You're a elementary-age girl who dresses appropriately. I have never seen you in low-rise shorts and a bikini, like some girls are already dressing thanks to damn Paris Hilton.

You wear your hair in pigtails. Awww... I used to wear my hair the same way. I could do without the crimping as that went out before I graduated from high school (no need to go into dates on that now...). But, the pig tails are cute and age-appropriate.

Mostly, I want to like you because of what I know about your family. Your Dad, while a bit extreme, had a great heart and really believed in animal preservation. He learned it from his parents who ran their Australian zoo for the past 30 years. And, that love of wildlife seemed to make me overlook little things like his dangling your baby brother over some crocs and other nonsensical hijinks.

More reasons to like you? Well, I have a son who is almost nine who loves nature and wildlife, and you and I even share the same birthday! Bindi, we could be really tight gal pals, I think...if you listen to my words of advice.

So, girlfriend, here's my problem. You annoy the crap out of me! Every time I see you on a talk show, I start feeling a little agitated. So, here's my advice to you:

Lose the word "amazing."
When you tell someone that being face-to-face with endangered animals...but later say doing your homework or chores is "simply amazing" it really comes off as insincere.

Also, lose the phrase, "I'm the luckiest girl in the world because..."
On the last show I saw you on, you used that phrase to start about 75 percent of your sentences. Gratitude is nice, but this seemed like a canned line coached to you right before you walk out on a set...which brings me to another big request...

As tacky as it sounds, lose your mom.
She has the words "stage mom" written all over her. I get flashes of Brooke Sheild's mom, Patsy Ramsey and Dinah Lohan when I look at her. Two out of the three of those cases have not ended well, and that's not good odds for you, Bind. Also, if you haven't looked closely, you can see actual dollar signs in her eyes when she's beaming at you talking about what a perfect child you are. Emancipate yourself now and save yourself! Go live with Paw-Paw and Maw-Maw and get back to your animal rights roots!

Keep your show, lose all the hype.
Starting up with the show so soon after your Dad's tragic and untimely death was a bad move on stage mommy's part, but we know that wasn't in your control. The show has great intentions and probably has already garnered a solid fan base. Leave it at that and enjoy the ride.

Do NOT continue to over-publicize yourself. Today, I saw Bindi Irwin-themed birthday party supplies. Girl, I can accept a t-shirt or two, but this is too much. If you don't believe me about over-publicity being the fastest way to quick demise in the entertainment biz, just go talk to Jessica Simpson. She has plenty of time between her direct-to-DVD movie bombs these days, believe me.

Stop being so damn overly-dramatic, Bindi.
In general, your interviews come across coached and shallow, as if you're made to listen to tapes of your Dad's show while you sleep.

We all know you are a normal little nine-year-old girl when you step away from the cameras. That means, you probably watch too much TV, get smart-mouthed with your Mom, refuse to do chores and homework at times, and do mean things on occasion to your little brother. We don't buy the angelic, "Little Miss Perfect" act. It only makes me think that behind-the-scenes, you're really Veruca Salt reincarnated--screaming at makeup and wardrobe to crimp your hair more and find you some perfectly-chilled Australian bottled water already!

I tell you these things, Bindi darling, not to hurt your feelings or cause any psychological trauma. You seem quite confident (perhaps overly so) and so I think you can take this constructive criticism. I tell you only in the hope that you can change most everything about your personality so that I can like you again.

Regards,
The Crazy MomCat
(not classified as an endangered species just yet...)