"Red beans and rice didn't miss her..."

What is it about company holiday parties that always guarantees you an interesting story and a lot of drunk co-workers? Are all the office-working jobs SO VERY difficult that we must ALL lose control once a year? I mean, please! It's not like we're doing hard labor in horrid conditions. Both my husband and I have worked as high-techies and every Christmas party I can think of has been notable in some strange way.

I've seen two women (wives/girlfriends of coworkers) making out on a dance floor, really rancid karaoke by supervisors, very bizarre dancing, loose lips on secret business deals, etc. The company Christmas party is ALWAYS interesting if not fun.

This year, my husband's shindig was no exception. In truth, there was no way the night could be bad. I was having my "best day ever" or something. I ran the 5K and did great, came home and got some really reaffirming emails that lifted my spirits higher, got my hair hilited and my hair dresser went all out when she found out I was going to a party that night, did a little holiday shopping with my newly styled 'do, and then after getting lost for awhile we found our hotel just in time to check in, get dressed, and head down to the festivities.

Walking in to the party, I felt a little nervous. My husband just started working for this branch of the company, after working many years ago for a branch in a different city. So, he didn't know that many people there. But, almost instantly, we were pounced on by my hubby's friend's wife.

Let me give you a picture of this scene. Imagine a Texan version of "Janice" on Friends. The hubby's friend is a genuinely nice guy, so it is so hard to believe his wife is so obnoxious. This is a woman who came to my house for dinner with her three kids when I just had one child. My husband and I had desperately been trying for several years to have another child with no luck and were to the breaking point about it. And, in a moment of frustration at her kids' behavior, she turned and told me, "Oh, you don't understand. You have one kid. You're not a REAL parent."

I've mentioned that before on this blog, but for the benefit of new readers I thought I'd share it again. The same woman high-five'd me when I told her I wasn't working anymore and was just staying at home, as if to tell me I was finally coming to my senses and living off my husband.

So, yeah, we're like oil and water, me and this lady. But, I can chat with her because I see her so rarely that I don't have to worry about it. She amuses me even...because I can't believe there is someone who can be so openly catty, obnoxious, and pretentious all at the same time.

But, there was one thing I didn't count on, and that was her latching herself to us just long enough for all the people in the company who dislike her to assume we're good friends and therefore write us off. Not good. Not good at all. Hopefully by the end of the night we'd redeemed ourselves.

Our entire dinner consisted of listening to her brag about her exotic vacations, make racial comments to people at the party, and pretty much insult everyone there behind their backs immediately after gushing and hugging them when she first saw them. We knew it was bad when she jokingly prefaced one of her rude comments by saying, "I just need to shut up now" and her husband answered with a dead stare, "Yes, you DO." (This might explain why the rest of the night he was on the dance floor and she was at the tables gambling.)

Fortunately, after the dinner portion of the night, we broke free and started playing at the casino tables. We had a great time. And, we even hit the dance floor a few times as well. What is it about Sir Mix A-lot's, "Baby Got Back," that makes every nerdy white person in the place hit the dance floor and sing along to every word? There is something about that song that speaks to the white people, as if to make them feel that they too had "back." But, honestly people! We all know even a "fat bottomed" white girl has nothing even close to a "bubble." We are not "big round and juicy," even when we're pushing 200 lbs!

I also discovered a new frilly girly drink that I sucked down all night which had me feeling no pain after only a short while, the lemon drop martini. I had told "annoying wife" that I hated regular martinis she convinced me to try a flavored one. I hated the apple-tini (never was THAT into apple Jolly Ranchers), but I loved this lemon thing. Sugar around the rim just like the salt on a 'rita, and just as sour to drink. MMMM! The bartenders all had smirks on their face when I ordered it, as if to say, "yeah, I knew she'd order that girly foo-foo drink," but I didn't care. I hate beer, so SUE me!

We left the party after we got a small prize in the raffle and before anyone got TOO drunk and really enjoyed being kid-free for the evening (wink, wink). The next morning we squeezed in breakfast at a great spot downtown before we headed back to get the kids. All and all, it was a great party and a great day! Just what we needed before the holiday madness sets in fully...