Sunday, February 05, 2006

I'm sorry...did you say POOPER bowl party?

I am certain now that my husband must have read the invitation incorrectly. It must have said, "Come to our Pooper Bowl Party!" Yes, that must have been our mistake. Because, what we walked into tonight was NO Super Bowl party, my friends. No, that's for certain. So, in honor of a crappy evening, I give you the following:

Top FIVE Ways to Throw a Sucky Super Bowl Party:

1. Give new meaning to crappy food. Save the Jason's Deli sandwich platters and Chick-fil-a nugget trays for the business lunches, will you? We want homemade goodies! Queso by the crockpot full, something sweet, lots of really fattening dips, hot wings, and such. And to THINK I was concerned about blowing my Weight Watchers points for the night? HA! Not with luke warm sandwiches and shrimp that had been sitting out for 4 hours!

2. Tom, is that YOU? Keep every light off in your house, forcing guests to maneuver around with squinted eyes and hands outstretched. You may think this lights-off ploy brings the focus on the game on the t.v., but really we know it is to hide the shitty food you are dishing up.

3. Moonwalking in Mush. Providing a huge moonwalk in your backyard for the kids is delightful and considerate. Soaking your yard down so it is like a swamp beforehand is NOT. Oh, and that cheap and fake-looking reddish stain on your deck? Yeah, um, next time spring for some DECENT stain for the wood. My daughter took half of it home on her NEW white tennis shoes this evening, thank you VERY little!

4. Invite obnoxious guests. Not sure who to invite? Here's a clue. The guy in the ugly Hawaiian shirt whose best joke involves a story about a man defecating on himself should NOT be in the guest list.

5. Invite the snotty wives. Here's the deal, fellows. From me to you, just don't include the wives. Seriously. Or, at the very least, find something else for them to do if they aren't into the game. Because when the boys' club is NOT in front of the t.v., they will be out on the back porch smoking stogies. And we girls are SO not into cigar smoke. So, when the women are done with their pleasant introductions, they will scatter like mice to their dark corners, refusing to be friendly to any of the other women for the rest of the night. Especially not the wife of the new guy...

Other highlights from my night included battling my toddler over the cooler of kids' juice boxes, which of course was left right where she could open it and get to them. (Friends, learn from my pain. If your child has diarrhea, two Juicy Juice boxes can bring new meaning to the nickname "little stinker."

In addition, I got to watch the irritating play rituals of boys, ages six to eight. These involve constantly giving the new kid the bum gameboy controller or the busted laser tag gun, as well as screaming at any girl that comes within 20 feet your person. Oh, the joys of boyhood!

Yes, it was lovely. Oh, and the game? Why I couldn't tell you a thing about it. I'm not a big football fan, but I usually watch enough to know the score, catch the cool commercials, and ridicule the halftime show. But, my daughter prevented that with her juice box obsession and her other favorite pastime of climbing the steep wood stairs over and over again.

The only good thing that happened? Well, the 10,000th and final time she went for the juice boxes and was told no, she went into her high pitched, "I'm-almost-two-damn-it" scream. This caused everyone, including defecating Hawaiian shirt man to turn and glare at me with dagger eyes. And, this sent me to the edge. I chose to walk through the cloud of cigar smoke, with my screaming toddler in tow, and do something I always vowed I would not do. I publicly embarrassed my husband into leaving.

Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measure, right?


Blogger Lisa said...

ack! What a nightmare! Are you going to share just how you embarassed him into leaving? ;-)

10:31 PM, February 05, 2006  
Blogger Lisa said...

oh yeah, Michele sent me :-)

10:31 PM, February 05, 2006  
Blogger Erin said...

Sounds like I had a better time at home suffering through myh bills AND a migraine! So sorry it sucked for you, but you certainly did get a giggle from me while reading it!

11:00 PM, February 05, 2006  
Anonymous Theresa said...

Oh not fun at all! I think you showed great restraint by not insisting you leave MUCH earlier!

And yeah, what is with the Dora boobie buds? Not good folks...the girls who play with Dora don't have baby boobs!

8:12 AM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Tyra said...

Sometimes a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. Sorry your night was a bust.

My favorite commercial was the one with the streaking sheep.

Next year come to my house, we'll have a great time!

9:02 AM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Wow. You make me glad I stayed home and switched it to a Teletubbies video for Baby when my husband left the room. Heh heh.

He's still nursing the USC loss and wasn't that interested in the game anyway. He spent most of the game playing Darkwatch in the play room with 12.

10:55 AM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ugh on being the "new wife", hate those moments. Sorry that your night was a bust.

We all ended up sick from Hooter's frozen snack items we mistakenly bought at the grocery store.

Hope your kiddo is feeling better today.

11:47 AM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Shelli said...

Well, if he couldn't see that you were miserable, then you must do what you must do.

6:43 PM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Tamara said...

It's funny because it's TRUE. Haven't you worked out the signal with Jimmy after all these years? At a minimum, you've GOT to have the time-to-ditch-this-party signal. Talk amongst yourselves.

10:32 PM, February 06, 2006  
Anonymous "Daddy Cat" said...

Ok.. this is "Daddy Cat".. I have to add to the story a little to keep myself from looking like I belong in the cathouse (since dog house doesn't work on this site). I had offered to leave earlier, and watched the kids as well. The guy in the Hawaiian shirt is not a co-worker, but a co-workers husband who is so off color that he offends ME. Anyway the party was a MAJOR bust all the way around, and I regret putting my wife and kids through it. After that party we will be staying home or hosting (with our guests of choice) in the future..

Daddy Cat.. A.K.A. Eric Estrada's #1 fan.. and chief whipping boy of Crazy Mom Cat's blog ;)

11:52 PM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Dipu said...

Chick-Fil-A nugget trays?! You know what's even worse about them serving Chick-Fil-A on Super Bowl Sunday?


Those weren't even fresh from the restaurant!!!!! Those nuggets had been sitting around somewhere for at least a day, maybe two!!!!!!

11:54 PM, February 06, 2006  
Blogger Crazy MomCat said...

Alright, alright, alright...yes my hubby and I DO have signals, WHICH he chooses to ignore at times. BUT, he did not this I have to give him credit. My son threw us for a loop by getting a plate of food just as we were about to escape the hellish scene.

I'm freaking out about the nuggets now. I bet that WAS leftover food from Friday's office meeting. SICK!

Daddycat, you just whipped yourself by reintroducing the Erik Estrada thing to readers who didn't know about that little bit of ribbing I did to you last year. HA!

12:00 AM, February 07, 2006  
Blogger Dipu said...

I should also say, WHOO-HOOO STEELERS!!

(Yes, I know the game itself mostly sucked, but the end result is the end result regardless.)

12:03 AM, February 07, 2006  

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