Sunday, October 22, 2006

Like reading her diary...

I recently found out that my sister has a My Space page. Actually, she is the one who told me. Although, I played dumb and acted like I didn't know that much about My Space at all. I have lived in the fear of my family finding my blog and being hurt by what I've written, although I've never really written that much that I wouldn't say directly to anyone that I know.

But, knowing about this page of hers, well, it is starting to feel a little like I'm reading her diary without her knowledge. She doesn't know I check her page, but I do. To understand this, you have to know that my relationship with my sister is, well complex to say the least. She's eight years younger than me and while we have really different personalities, all our vastly different character flaws can sometimes be rooted back to the same causes. For instance, I'm the over-achiever, Type-A, while she's the one who quits before she can fail or sometimes doesn't even try. But, we both are scared of failure and will do anything to not face that.

Some of this has changed as we've grown up. Some has not. She has a lot of issues with putting on facades around me (and others). And, she has some deep-rooted problems that I won't go into here. All of these lead me to her My Space page on occasion, out of curiousity and concern.

Typically, I get little from her page really. It is usually just a portal for her finding old friends and linking them in her friends list. Until a few weeks ago when she posted a single blog post. And, it opened up my eyes to many things.

One, while I feel like she does not understand or know me at all, the same can be said of me to her. She wrote something about motherhood that was very heartfelt and so reflective and truthful, and yet it was something that I was so surprised to hear coming out of her mouth. I realized that she is actually someone who sees her problems and faults quite clearly and is beginning to really KNOW herself.

Why is it that we have such a tendency to pigeon-hole our loved ones into categories in our minds? I tend to be a fairly non-judgmental person (or I really strive to be) in my life. Yet, I think that I make a lot of assumptions about my little sister based on her past behavior. Sometimes these are dead-on right, but I am learning that sometimes they are as wrong as can be.

Tonight, I saw that a friend had posted a quick note to her telling her to be strong and things will get better in this "difficult time in her life." Difficult time? What? I have heard nothing but the usual glowing phone calls made from her cellphone on the way home from work.

The big sister in me wanted to call her up and ask her what is going on and did she need any help or advice. But, then, I also worried that maybe I did not want to know what was going on. She's had her share of drama and, as cold as it sounds, I have had my periods of being sick of hearing about it or dealing with it.

My spying makes me feel like I really don't know my little sister as well as I thought I did. And, also that I need to reach out to her more. Differences aside, I have one sibling and one person who walked a similar path to myself as a kid. And, as much as I get frustrated with her at times, is so important to me to keep our connection alive. Because there is so much that we can give one another really...

2 Comments:

Blogger Alison said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:22 AM, October 23, 2006  
Blogger Alison said...

I found my brother's MySpace page earlier this year. I kind of stumbled onto it while looking up a film-related project he was working on, which had a MySpace page, and then finding him listed as a "friend" there. I really did feel like a spy to find it! He is also 8 years younger than me and I don't even pretend to know him well. I left home when he was going into 3rd grade & we've hardly ever been in the same place since.

At first I debated over whether to let him know I had found it, but finally did drop him an e-mail & tell him I did so I wouldn't feel so guilty looking at it! He never responded.... But what he probably doesn't know is that I check it just about every day! He almost never blogs, and I'm not sure he's ever said much personal, but it's still fascinating to me to see his profile, see his friends' comments, etc., & try to get to know him a little better that way!

(P.S. Sorry about that deleted comment taking up space. I was just trying to correct something I'd written & didn't know it was going to leave a "deleted" message!)

1:24 AM, October 23, 2006  

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