Another Parenting Pickle: Befriending the Bully

I'm in a bit of a "parenting pickle." You know those situations you find yourself in where you are completely sure you are ill-equipped to make a parenting decision, and yet you know your decision will affect a lot in your child's life. As tough as that pickle jar is to open, sometimes you make the right choice and open up to a buttery sweet result--and all is well in the end. Other times, once you pry the jar open and take a bite, you realize your choice left you with nothing but sourness. So, help me solve my latest parenting pickle, will you? Because everyone knows that bad parenting is a really big "DILL!" (OK, I couldn't resist that one...)

My rather shy-around-other-kids son has somehow managed to befriend the class bully. And, not only befriend him, but the child has told his mother that my son is his only friend in the class.

It all goes back to those values we have tried to instill in our son to be nice to everyone, even if they are different from you. And, I guess that lesson stuck with him, which is something that makes me proud. When he started the school year, he told me about a little boy in his class with a rather unique name. He said he remembers the kid from last year, because he always heard the coaches screaming his name out for misbehaving in P.E. This was my first taste of the "pickle" that was to come.

The year went by and, on occasion, my son would come home with stories about the bully boy. Usually, they involved the boy being sent to the principals office, or something really odd or funny that the bully boy said. I met the boy when I went to read to the class and found him peculiar, but entertaining.

At Christmas, my son brought home a hidden gift from bully boy in his backpack. The teacher had let him sneak it home, as they are not allowed to do gifts for kids as a rule. She told me later this was the only person the bully boy did this for in the whole class. When my son opened it, it was a leather bracelet with metal beads spelling out my son's name.

Then, came the boy's birthday where he invited my son and one other boy from his class. And, the mother mentioned playdates to come. And, I just sort of started to worry a little about it. It is one thing to be nice to everyone. It is another to be associated with a kid who has a reputation for misbehaving and being disruptive in class. Proceed with caution, my mind said.

And, then today I got a phone call from bully boy's mom. She was very upset and wanted to confide in me that the boy was going to be switching classes after tomorrow. She explained to me how she feels one of their two teachers has targeted her son all year, and gave examples of things that have been said and done to her son this year. I let her vent, expressed my sympathies for her son because I knew the other kids teased him a lot for getting in trouble. (Based on what she said, I discovered that bully boy has been sent to the office many times this year and his parents have regular meetings with the teachers and vice-principal.) And, then she asked for a playdate in a few days for our boys.

There is a very big part of me that wants to put the kibash on this whole thing. While I am not a parent who worries about my son being the most popular kid at school or getting in with the "in crowd, I don't want him associating with the opposite of that either. But, I am proud that he's shown compassion for this boy. In talking to his mom, it sounds like our two sons are actually very much alike--but their insecurities just come out differently. My son becomes quiet and withdrawn, while hers acts out. They are both smart boys who struggle with the same issues with the school system in general. So, another part of me thinks this friendship is a comforting thing. My son has never been a discipline problem though, and will his association with the boy either label him in the teachers' minds or influence his own behavior?

So, you can see how I am stuck between wanting my son to be accepting and friends with whomever he wants, and wanting to protect him from ruining his own reputation by being friends with a labeled "problem child." And, this has been a hard year for him. He's had very few invitations to play from his own class and doesn't really talk about anyone else but this boy.

OK, bloggers, parents, and educated minds out there: I am asking you--what would you do? Help me solve my parenting pickle! And, if you're currently struggling with a pickle of your own, blog about it and I'll link back to you. Maybe we can all help each other out here!