Are You There, God? It's Me...MomCat...
Sorry for the silly Judy Blume reference in the ole' title, but it is the wee morning hours, so what do you expect really?
An interesting tidbit from my week:
Went to a new dentist and liked everything about my visit until it came time to leave and he attempted to shake my hand. I say attempted, because I would hardly call what he did a real handshake. It felt more like grasping on the hand of...oh, let's say a coma patient. There was no shake action on his part, no gripping, and I got the distinct feeling that someone had told him that as a dentist he had better shake a client's hand, when in fact he detested having to do so.
What is it about a handshake really that can really say something about a person? Is it is just me, or can a wimpy handshake make you want to say have someone else clean your teeth?
The irony in all of this---the guy's last name is "Handley." Seriously, people. I can't make this stuff up...
So, in honor of "Hans Handley" (OK, that's not his first name, but it was just too fitting here...don't you think?), I will now leave you with some good, old-fashioned Jack Handey humor:
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me — you.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
An interesting tidbit from my week:
Went to a new dentist and liked everything about my visit until it came time to leave and he attempted to shake my hand. I say attempted, because I would hardly call what he did a real handshake. It felt more like grasping on the hand of...oh, let's say a coma patient. There was no shake action on his part, no gripping, and I got the distinct feeling that someone had told him that as a dentist he had better shake a client's hand, when in fact he detested having to do so.
What is it about a handshake really that can really say something about a person? Is it is just me, or can a wimpy handshake make you want to say have someone else clean your teeth?
The irony in all of this---the guy's last name is "Handley." Seriously, people. I can't make this stuff up...
So, in honor of "Hans Handley" (OK, that's not his first name, but it was just too fitting here...don't you think?), I will now leave you with some good, old-fashioned Jack Handey humor:
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me — you.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Labels: bad humor, insomnia post, Jack Handey
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 1:27 AM
11 Comments:
LOL!!!
Might be old-fashioned but it's new to me. And that's a novelty, on the internet.
Geoff, you've never read Jack Handey's stuff? It was a staple on Saturday Night Live here in the 80s. You'll have to google his name and read all of the great sites that come up. That's just a sampling...there's a ton of his warped thoughts to enjoy!
I love Jack Handey! I miss the good ol' days of SNL. Although I saw one of their fake commercials recently that was hilarious. It was for a birth control pill that gave you a period just once a year. They said that for eleven months you would live blissfully, without the mood swings and the inconvenience of a monthly visit. But when it came to that twelth month, "hold onto your ******* hat!" It was too much!
Thanks for the refresher on JH. Oh, amd I agree, a handshake can tell a lot about a person. Just like a purse can tell a lot about a woman...
Uh, oh! I think I'm in trouble on the purse thing, since I don't spend more than $40 on a purse typically. Hmm..wow...I'm going to have to remember that one. HA!
How could you have left out the two, no three, no FOUR best Deep Thoughts EVER:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
And I didn't know this, but according to Wikipedia (so, grain of salt), Jack Handey is also credited with creating Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car!!
Toonces, the driv-ing CAT! (song in my head now, thanks!)
Ah, Dipu. You managed to pull all the ones I toiled over and almost posted. The cowboy one has always been my favorite. God is crying is another, but I didn't want to totaly overwhelm my usual commenters/readers with my warped humor, lest I scare those few people off. Ha! Here's a few more great ones:
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Actually, when I said you can tell a lot about a woman by her purse, I meant to say what she has in her purse... If it's orderly or a jumbled mess. Usually women with huuuuge purses are the high-maintenance type (or else they have small children who are ;-)
that is my biggest pet peeve...if there is one ting I have taught my boys is how to shake a hand....and cut through parking lots to avoid red lights.
love your blog!
A girl after my own heart, Cher. I believe in the parking lot maneuver as well, but my husband gets so upset when I do that. Maybe it's all that Houston traffic, but I just can't sit through those lights when there's a perfectly good lot to cut through!
There is nothing worse than a deadfish handshake. It is a definitely a parent's job to teach their kids how to shake hands properly. I'm not so sure about cutting through parking lots, though.
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