Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A day of rest

Today was a day of rest in our house. My folks left this morning and I took advantage of my son having all new toys from his birthday and allowed myself to veg for a half of a day.

The party was a great success. My son's favorite friend from school came after all and we had about half of those invited turn out, because so many were on vacation. It was at least 100 degrees out and we felt every bit of it, but I was so glad it wasn't raining that I didn't mind. My daughter decided to not have her normal clinginess at the pool and really got into the fun, which was great. It also made for some fantastic pool shots for my scrapbook!

Now, on to my current mental state, of which I'm sure after reading my
35th birthday blog you might have some concern. Truthfully, I have been so busy I have not had much time to thing about my difficult night I spoke of in that entry. I know that I need to get a game plan together though and start changing some things.

But, with regard to this statement:
She would finally find a way to get fit and take care of herself, teaching her children that loving yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give
yourself. She would let go of the ridiculously high standards she set for herself and cut herself some slack.

I think it is going to be more difficult than I ever thought to really make this a reality. Can I just share that one of the HARDEST parts about being a parent is having to be in all the pictures of your kids' parties?

Oh, and did I fail to mention I was in a swimsuit in this year's pictures?

And that I almost threw up when I saw the pictures of myself?

Or that the only picture I like of myself from the entire party is one of me where my entire body is under the water except for my shoulders and head?

Did you know that me actually saying I like one photo of myself is actually extreme progress on my part? Two years ago I wouldn't have liked a single one! Seriously!

Now, the old me would have now gone off about now into a self-deprecating tirade about how disgusted I am by my body. I would talk about how I'm to the point of making desperate moves to change things, no matter what it takes. I'd vow to change things or die trying.

But, the truth is folks...I'm tired. I'm tired of promising and failing. And, I'm tired of making the cracks at my own expense to make others laugh at something that causes me such emotional pain. That's the truth.

The new, 35-year-old me, is about being honest. I honestly don't know if I can change who I am now, because the thought of trying and failing again is too devastating to even think about. And, yet, I cannot live the way I am anymore. Does anyone relate? Or is this just proving further to you my readers that I am, in fact, definitely going crazy? Hey, maybe I'll have more of y'all comment and stop just lurking if you think I'm a trainwreck about to completely derail! Maybe you'll take pity or feel they have to comment to save me from the brink of insanity? HA! I'm soooo tricky, aren't I?

In all seriousness, I have to do something. I haven't talked much about it on here, but I am Pre-Diabetic. It's serious and I have to do something about this YESTERDAY. And, so I will. I have to believe I can because any other option just is not acceptable--not to me, and especially not to the family I love who depend on me.

Last Spring, I challenged myself to
get back to running by joining a running program. And I blogged a lot about it. I did achieve that goal and I made it to the final race. But, what I did not achieve was the fitness/weight loss I needed to be healthy. And that has to be my focus now. If you have any words of inspiration or tips, I'd love to hear them.

And please, send your positive thoughts, patience genes, and willpower my way via that great wide internet...I need all the help I can get!

2 Comments:

Blogger PaintingChef said...

I am sending you good thoughts. I'm struggling with the same "When did I become this person that I suddenly see in the mirror and how am I going to fix this" thing. Good luck. I think that you have to find something that motivates you to change if you are going to. I'm the girl who still has the size 8 and 10 things hanging in the back of her closet because she's still kidding herself that one day she'll wear them again. Nevermind that they are 6 and 7 years out of date.

2:43 PM, July 27, 2005  
Blogger Babs said...

I'm with you... I could live my entire life without seeing myself in another picture! Lord help me when I have kids. :-)

BTW, I've finally come to terms that my weight for my 30s will never be the same as my 20s, and that that's ok. (this prompted a reply of "no shit!" from my therapist ;-)

4:31 PM, July 27, 2005  

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