On 35, and the long dark road home...
It was the morning of her 35th birthday. She'd already been for a long run and still felt exhausted, but exhilarated from it. She thought it was fitting to run further and harder on that day. It made her feel like she was starting this new year of her life off right.
Lately, things hadn't been easy for her. Aside from the craziness of juggling her two kids and her other responsibilities, along with a nice "type-A" personality, there had been the "moments" that took her away for awhile. It wasn't the normal stress attacks that she always joked sent her into "cleaning mode" or made her get another awful tension headache. No, this was different.
After she had her daughter, she started having the "sad days," where she'd feel like nothing was right in her world. At first, they were pretty predictable. For the first time in her life, she was experiencing serious PMS, but magnified. She supposed this was post-partum depression, which she'd heard so much about. She remembered having only one day like this after she had her son. It was only a week or so after getting home from the hospital. She was sitting in the rocker holding him, gazing at his beautiful face and watching t.v., when she felt this surge of sadness and panic all at once. She began to cry uncontrollably. She could only get out the question, "What am I doing with my life?" over and over again to her husband. The moment passed before very long and she moved on, thankful for being fortunate enough to have a choice to stay home from work to raise her child. And, she'd never felt that surge of emotion again until recently.
However, lately, it had been different. Her sad days were coming more often and were less predictable. Her daughter was 15 months old now, so it didn't really fit the "post partum" bill. Her feelings during these dark times were hard to describe. But, the most recent episode really made her realize she had a problem. There she was, enjoying a night of scrapbooking with her pals away from home--a rare and coveted evening for her. As the night progressed, she could feel it coming on slowly, a nagging in the back of her mind. She pushed it away, attempting cheerful chatter with her friends as they worked. But, it came back...again and again.
As she finished a page she had been working on, she felt a twinge of disappointment. It hadn't turned out as she'd hoped, but she really had not planned it out as she normally would. She felt her time on it was wasted, because she knew she'd do it over and come up with a better look for it.
Then, like something heavy being suddenly dropped on her shoulders, it hit her. She had to excuse herself to the bathroom where she tried to compose herself. The sadness cloaked her like a heavy blanket. What was wrong with her? Why was this happening now? She wasn't stressed out with her kids! She wasn't rushing to make an appointment or dealing with some family dispute! She was here...scrapbooking, her favorite hobby, with some of her favorite friends. It didn't make sense!
But, it was too late. She couldn't push it away any more. The sadness swallowed her up whole. She felt complete despair. The only way to describe it was this feeling of utter hopelessness coming over her out of the blue. She emerged from the bathroom semi-composed and excused herself from the scrap table, muttering something about checking out the store at which they were scrapbooking.
As she walked down the aisles of the shop, she could not focus on any particular thing on the shelves. The questions of why she was even around swirled in her brain again, and as she swallowed she felt the deep lump in her throat. Her whole body ached, the way you might feel if you'd just lost a dear loved one or just walked away from a jarring car accident. It was crazy. That was all she could think. That and she was going insane. There was no reason for this feeling, and yet she had no control over it.
Her only hope was the understanding that she knew she was having this moment again. She was aware of it, and realized that the thoughts flooding her brain were not real. It was as if someone found a vault inside her, holding any insecurities she had ever felt, and then let them all out at once--just for a moment, so that it felt all-consuming. She took a few deep breaths and walked back into the scrap room and began gathering her things together. She tried to casually chat with her friends as she packed up, but really couldn't focus on what they were saying. And she realized, that's how the whole night had been--she could not even recall what she'd talked about that night for the hours she had been there.
She made it to her car and called her husband crying as she pulled away from the store. She could hear the worried tone of his voice. She promised to get home right away. She knew she would be OK, but didn't know why this had happened. And, she was scared this time. What if the next time, the feelings hit her and she believed those voices? She didn't think that would happen, but things were getting worse and she worried about being in a moment when she could not tell herself these thoughts were not real. What would become of her then?
She called her closest friend, who had also been scrapbooking that night, and was making the same long and dark drive home. She wouldn't normally open up and share these feelings with anyone other than her husband. It made her feel too vulnerable. What would people think? But, she needed to talk and was desperate for answers from anyone. Talking kept her from thinking the bad thoughts and kept her steady on the road to home.
Her friend surprised her by admitting that the year before she had days upon days of these feelings. She told her it was not going to go away if she didn't get help to pinpoint what was causing the problem. She talked her through the drive home and gave her comfort in the fact that someone else in the world understood and did not think she was losing her mind. Someone else had been there and had made it through, and found a solution. Someone had gotten to the end of it, and emerged the same person they had always been. There was hope, she guessed.
At the end of her drive, she pulled into the driveway and said goodbye to her friend. She realized that something in her life had to change, and it had to change now. Life had spiraled downward somehow for her, but she had to vow that this year she would solve this mystery happening inside her. She would gain control and take her life to new places. Places that offered more hope, happiness, and the self-love she so desperately needed to embrace.
It was the morning of her 35th birthday. Today, tomorrow, and thereafter, things just had to be different. She would find ways to reach her dreams, and learn how to stop looking at what she did not have and start being thankful for the wonderful blessing she did have in her life. She would take steps to get closer to God, and to become the person she was put on this earth to be. She would hug her children more and lose her temper less. She would finally find a way to get fit and take care of herself, teaching her children that loving yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. She would let go of the ridiculously high standards she set for herself and cut herself some slack.
Today, at 35, she would try to stay off that long and dark road, and drive someplace new...
Lately, things hadn't been easy for her. Aside from the craziness of juggling her two kids and her other responsibilities, along with a nice "type-A" personality, there had been the "moments" that took her away for awhile. It wasn't the normal stress attacks that she always joked sent her into "cleaning mode" or made her get another awful tension headache. No, this was different.
After she had her daughter, she started having the "sad days," where she'd feel like nothing was right in her world. At first, they were pretty predictable. For the first time in her life, she was experiencing serious PMS, but magnified. She supposed this was post-partum depression, which she'd heard so much about. She remembered having only one day like this after she had her son. It was only a week or so after getting home from the hospital. She was sitting in the rocker holding him, gazing at his beautiful face and watching t.v., when she felt this surge of sadness and panic all at once. She began to cry uncontrollably. She could only get out the question, "What am I doing with my life?" over and over again to her husband. The moment passed before very long and she moved on, thankful for being fortunate enough to have a choice to stay home from work to raise her child. And, she'd never felt that surge of emotion again until recently.
However, lately, it had been different. Her sad days were coming more often and were less predictable. Her daughter was 15 months old now, so it didn't really fit the "post partum" bill. Her feelings during these dark times were hard to describe. But, the most recent episode really made her realize she had a problem. There she was, enjoying a night of scrapbooking with her pals away from home--a rare and coveted evening for her. As the night progressed, she could feel it coming on slowly, a nagging in the back of her mind. She pushed it away, attempting cheerful chatter with her friends as they worked. But, it came back...again and again.
As she finished a page she had been working on, she felt a twinge of disappointment. It hadn't turned out as she'd hoped, but she really had not planned it out as she normally would. She felt her time on it was wasted, because she knew she'd do it over and come up with a better look for it.
Then, like something heavy being suddenly dropped on her shoulders, it hit her. She had to excuse herself to the bathroom where she tried to compose herself. The sadness cloaked her like a heavy blanket. What was wrong with her? Why was this happening now? She wasn't stressed out with her kids! She wasn't rushing to make an appointment or dealing with some family dispute! She was here...scrapbooking, her favorite hobby, with some of her favorite friends. It didn't make sense!
But, it was too late. She couldn't push it away any more. The sadness swallowed her up whole. She felt complete despair. The only way to describe it was this feeling of utter hopelessness coming over her out of the blue. She emerged from the bathroom semi-composed and excused herself from the scrap table, muttering something about checking out the store at which they were scrapbooking.
As she walked down the aisles of the shop, she could not focus on any particular thing on the shelves. The questions of why she was even around swirled in her brain again, and as she swallowed she felt the deep lump in her throat. Her whole body ached, the way you might feel if you'd just lost a dear loved one or just walked away from a jarring car accident. It was crazy. That was all she could think. That and she was going insane. There was no reason for this feeling, and yet she had no control over it.
Her only hope was the understanding that she knew she was having this moment again. She was aware of it, and realized that the thoughts flooding her brain were not real. It was as if someone found a vault inside her, holding any insecurities she had ever felt, and then let them all out at once--just for a moment, so that it felt all-consuming. She took a few deep breaths and walked back into the scrap room and began gathering her things together. She tried to casually chat with her friends as she packed up, but really couldn't focus on what they were saying. And she realized, that's how the whole night had been--she could not even recall what she'd talked about that night for the hours she had been there.
She made it to her car and called her husband crying as she pulled away from the store. She could hear the worried tone of his voice. She promised to get home right away. She knew she would be OK, but didn't know why this had happened. And, she was scared this time. What if the next time, the feelings hit her and she believed those voices? She didn't think that would happen, but things were getting worse and she worried about being in a moment when she could not tell herself these thoughts were not real. What would become of her then?
She called her closest friend, who had also been scrapbooking that night, and was making the same long and dark drive home. She wouldn't normally open up and share these feelings with anyone other than her husband. It made her feel too vulnerable. What would people think? But, she needed to talk and was desperate for answers from anyone. Talking kept her from thinking the bad thoughts and kept her steady on the road to home.
Her friend surprised her by admitting that the year before she had days upon days of these feelings. She told her it was not going to go away if she didn't get help to pinpoint what was causing the problem. She talked her through the drive home and gave her comfort in the fact that someone else in the world understood and did not think she was losing her mind. Someone else had been there and had made it through, and found a solution. Someone had gotten to the end of it, and emerged the same person they had always been. There was hope, she guessed.
At the end of her drive, she pulled into the driveway and said goodbye to her friend. She realized that something in her life had to change, and it had to change now. Life had spiraled downward somehow for her, but she had to vow that this year she would solve this mystery happening inside her. She would gain control and take her life to new places. Places that offered more hope, happiness, and the self-love she so desperately needed to embrace.
It was the morning of her 35th birthday. Today, tomorrow, and thereafter, things just had to be different. She would find ways to reach her dreams, and learn how to stop looking at what she did not have and start being thankful for the wonderful blessing she did have in her life. She would take steps to get closer to God, and to become the person she was put on this earth to be. She would hug her children more and lose her temper less. She would finally find a way to get fit and take care of herself, teaching her children that loving yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. She would let go of the ridiculously high standards she set for herself and cut herself some slack.
Today, at 35, she would try to stay off that long and dark road, and drive someplace new...
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 8:40 AM
5 Comments:
omg, steph, I've had a few nights like this recently and you described it so well. There's this stretch of road where I kept thinking to myself, "It would be so easy just to turn the wheel and run into that lightpole." Pretty scary stuff. I'm glad that you called someone... because really, not enough share our thoughts like this. You're not a freak. It happens to everyone. Feel free to put me on your speed dial too.
p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
beautiful.
I've been there. In fact, I still go there on occasion. It's become so familiar that it's hard to recognize it's started before there's no turning back. And sometimes when I feel like I get my head above water, someone or something pushes me back down.
I don't want to make it sound trivial or say "that's normal" because it certainly isn't either of those things to me. But sometimes I guess it helps to know you're not the only one sitting on the bathroom floor with your arms wrapped around your knees wondering how you got to where you are and where your life is going. Thank you for sharing that. And here's hoping for many sun filled days this year. :)
You are very brave. You are stronger than you think. Thank you for sharing with us, I feel honored and touched. I am SO glad you were born-- 35 is going to be your best year yet! Love, Lis
I have definitely had moments like this as well. I think it has something to do with having children and aging and changing hormones. Isn't it sad that women can't talk about this with each other? I sure don't talk about it with anyone, even my husband. He can't really understand it- He's always "up".
Praying helps, I think, and journaling. I've kept a prayer journal and it's really helped me sort out my feelings while keeping God at the forefront of my thoughts.
It might also help to talk with a professional, particularly since your husband is so supportive. I've thought of this myself, but I think it would upset my husband, so I haven't followed up on it. But really, I think everyone would benefit from having a neutral party to talk to every so often.
Good luck and hang in there!
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