The Choices We Make

My mind has been on choices a lot lately. More specifically, the choices we make in our lives that take it in one direct path or another. I have always been amazed by what compels people to make certain decision in their lives, and where those choices lead them in the end. Think about it...one different decision and you could be living in a different place, and different time, and have a totally different life. I choose to believe that we make these decisions in our lives either on our own, or with a lot of prayer, hoping to be lead in the right direction. And, I also believe in fate and how some things are, sort of, destined to be, no matter what you choose. Now, where all of this comes together in the universe, I do NOT know and that is what fascinates me.

We watched the movie, The Aviator, last night--months after most of the world saw it. My husband and I were probably some of the few people in this country who didn't know much at all about Howard Hughes and his amazing life. The movie was great, but I was left wanting to know more. What made him become the strange man he became? What happened to him after his big successful flight of the Hercules? But, more on my current train of thought, what gave him the inner strength and determination to have the kind of confidence he did in his dreams? Confidence that never wavered, no matter what the cost? How do you get that kind of drive in life and is it something that can be taught or just something a few very unique/special people are born with? Is it a blessing from God, or a result of your surroundings or upbringing? Or is it a bit of both?

I look at my life in moments of frustration where I have felt so misunderstood. And it is in these moments where I question my decisions. Later, when I'm calmer and feel more secure, I feel I have made the right decisions for myself in the end and I am happy with where I am. But, in those difficult times, I always wonder. What if I had chosen to take this career path? What if I hadn't married who I did or had the kids? What if I hadn't gone far away to school and had stayed in my small hometown? Where would I be?

I recently also re-watched the movie, "The Hours." I had read the book for my bookclub and when I initially saw the movie, I did not like certain aspects of it. Certain parts of the film explained a lot more that I didn't quite get from the book. But, on the opposite spectrum, other scenes did not. In particular, the character Laura Brown, and her struggles with being in a life she didn't feel was meant for her. Laura's struggles and thoughts were so clearly explained in the book. If I had not read those, watching the movie would have made me feel her character was just a selfish and spoiled woman who would ditch her family to have what she wants. But, in reading the book, you feel that sense of her being trapped in a life that is suffocating her. You ache for this woman and you mourn the decisions she has to make, to leave her family and isolate herself. What made her make these kind of choices?

I am such a blessed person. I thank God every day for my family, my friends, and the many wonderful things I have been given in life. And, yet, during emotional times I say things I do not mean--like I want a different life, or I need to just disappear and leave my life. I say these things because sometimes I feel very misunderstood and lost, like I'm alone in the world. And, I have this desire to flee when I feel I have hurt anyone who means so much to me. I have this strong urge to run away, to protect them from the nasty comments I make when I'm angry. Because I hate how I say the most awful things when I'm very upset or feeling misunderstood. The very words I use to write my blog that give me strength and inspiration, I can then turn and use to hurt someone I love. And, I so regret when I use hurtful words, even moments after they have come out of my mouth. I feel so sad that I want to disappear and feel somehow that would make things better again.

Would I ever make the choices Laura Brown does in her life? I seriously doubt that I would. But, in those quick moments where I make those claims in my head, I sometimes wonder what would become of me and my family if I did? And I wonder why someone ends up making such a choice in their life, and what makes them take those drastic steps?

What choices will I make in the future that will change the path of my life? Will I be so lucky as to make the best choices later on as I have to this point? And, if I do not, will I have the strength to not only survive, but go on and achieve my dreams or will I spiral downward into a different life unable to recover?