a small taste of the school-age...
It is going to be a big fall for us. My son starts Kindergarten. He's actually going to be 6, but because he has an August birthday we chose to let him do a "bridge" class (Pre-K) one more year at his beloved preschool before we dove into "the big K." It was a very hard choice to make, with four of his close neighbor friends going last year to school. And, because of that, we've actually not had as many playdates with those friends and have lost touch somewhat with them because our schedules are so different.
So, yesterday and some of today, I got a small taste of what it will be like for my son to be gone to school all day. Granted, he did go last year from 9 to 2 p.m, but there were tons of school holidays and the days seemed to go by so fast. Getting up and getting to the bus before 8 and then not being home until after 3:30 will be a big adjustment.
And, my taste of this weekend made me realize that I am going to really be the one who has to adjust, more than he does, to not having him around. His little sister is too. Last night was just so, so quiet. Lately he's been having a hard time in the evenings winding down, and we often have battles getting him to get ready for bed and get to sleep. Once he's down, he's asleep until morning, but getting there is hard.
So, last night was so bizarre not having to do that nightly struggle. Then, this morning, I slept until 8 a.m., and my daughter slept until almost 9 a.m. This is unheard of! My son is like his dad, he gets up at the ass-crack of dawn. (I have to use the profanity folks, I'm not a morning person. I'm trying SO HARD to convert myself, but it's just not happening yet.) Perhaps this means that my daughter is going to take after my night owl ways and sleep late? Hmm...I'm actually not sure I like that. I like my night to myself!
Another realization that I came to last night has to do with a small work contract I'd started up a few weeks ago. I'm realizing that juggling two small children and trying to do work at night, well it just isn't going to work for me. I really was half happy/half dreading this work when my contractor called me. I'd taken more than a year off from working for her. I like the money and the work is pretty brainless, to be honest. But, that is part of the problem. I can't get motivated to even do it. It is boring and unfulfilling.
This lead to a long discussion with my husband about my future work possibilities. I don't want to be someone who stays home and then never works again. I just can't see that in myself. But, neither he or I sees how I can go back to my old profession (tech writing) and be the same person I used to--the workaholic, self-driven person who cares so much about her job.
Honestly, with my personality and the way I hold myself to these ridiculous standards, I know in my heart if I go back to that job, I will STILL compare myself to others and to the "old me" and will expect to work the same way and to the same level of quality. I will kill myself trying to reach that place I was pre-kids, and never be able to attain it because my time will be divided between family and home now.
I find myself in a catch-22. I am not totally certain I was the right type of person to stay home and give up my career, as I did almost six years ago when I had my son. But, I did it and here I am. And now, after staying home with my kids, going back to fulltime work would absolutely kill me emotionally. I can't imagine not being with them and not having this time I am so fortunate to have. I count my lucky stars every day, but also wonder what will become of me later on now, with my career prospects dwindling with each year that I'm away from the "office" workforce. So, I'm damned if I do go back to work because I'd be sad and missing my kids, and I'm damned if I don't because I'm also missing that feeling of worth and security that your career and the money that comes with it gives you.
My husband and I talked a lot about why I have this feeling of needing to contribute financially to our family. It has been the hardest part of staying home for me--giving up that aspect of the working life. I didn't love my job and haven't missed it. But, giving up that paycheck and that feeling of worthiness has really changed who I am as a person.
So, I decided last night that when I finished this contract job, I'm telling my employer that I can't do this right now in my life. For me, it will be very difficult to do it, because in some ways it is admitting a failure (something I really hate to do). But, I am not happy and am not fun to be around right now and the work is to blame.
I will let that go and will explore other opportunities. The truth is, this blog has shown me that I do still love to write. I may not like writing about computer servers, software or other high-tech blatherings, but I enjoy writing a lot. I had forgotten that. So, I hope to find a way to get back to writing on a freelance basis that will later perhaps translate into something I can do from home, on my own schedule, so I can be there for my kids when they come home from school each day.
I know this sounds really like "pie in the sky" dreams, and dare I try to make it a reality? Am I selfish to even be talking about this, when I know there are so many people who don't get such choices in their lives? Probably so, and I am grateful for my life completely, so don't misunderstand. And, I guess, time will only tell if my career ideas can work, but I have to try something.
So, yesterday and some of today, I got a small taste of what it will be like for my son to be gone to school all day. Granted, he did go last year from 9 to 2 p.m, but there were tons of school holidays and the days seemed to go by so fast. Getting up and getting to the bus before 8 and then not being home until after 3:30 will be a big adjustment.
And, my taste of this weekend made me realize that I am going to really be the one who has to adjust, more than he does, to not having him around. His little sister is too. Last night was just so, so quiet. Lately he's been having a hard time in the evenings winding down, and we often have battles getting him to get ready for bed and get to sleep. Once he's down, he's asleep until morning, but getting there is hard.
So, last night was so bizarre not having to do that nightly struggle. Then, this morning, I slept until 8 a.m., and my daughter slept until almost 9 a.m. This is unheard of! My son is like his dad, he gets up at the ass-crack of dawn. (I have to use the profanity folks, I'm not a morning person. I'm trying SO HARD to convert myself, but it's just not happening yet.) Perhaps this means that my daughter is going to take after my night owl ways and sleep late? Hmm...I'm actually not sure I like that. I like my night to myself!
Another realization that I came to last night has to do with a small work contract I'd started up a few weeks ago. I'm realizing that juggling two small children and trying to do work at night, well it just isn't going to work for me. I really was half happy/half dreading this work when my contractor called me. I'd taken more than a year off from working for her. I like the money and the work is pretty brainless, to be honest. But, that is part of the problem. I can't get motivated to even do it. It is boring and unfulfilling.
This lead to a long discussion with my husband about my future work possibilities. I don't want to be someone who stays home and then never works again. I just can't see that in myself. But, neither he or I sees how I can go back to my old profession (tech writing) and be the same person I used to--the workaholic, self-driven person who cares so much about her job.
Honestly, with my personality and the way I hold myself to these ridiculous standards, I know in my heart if I go back to that job, I will STILL compare myself to others and to the "old me" and will expect to work the same way and to the same level of quality. I will kill myself trying to reach that place I was pre-kids, and never be able to attain it because my time will be divided between family and home now.
I find myself in a catch-22. I am not totally certain I was the right type of person to stay home and give up my career, as I did almost six years ago when I had my son. But, I did it and here I am. And now, after staying home with my kids, going back to fulltime work would absolutely kill me emotionally. I can't imagine not being with them and not having this time I am so fortunate to have. I count my lucky stars every day, but also wonder what will become of me later on now, with my career prospects dwindling with each year that I'm away from the "office" workforce. So, I'm damned if I do go back to work because I'd be sad and missing my kids, and I'm damned if I don't because I'm also missing that feeling of worth and security that your career and the money that comes with it gives you.
My husband and I talked a lot about why I have this feeling of needing to contribute financially to our family. It has been the hardest part of staying home for me--giving up that aspect of the working life. I didn't love my job and haven't missed it. But, giving up that paycheck and that feeling of worthiness has really changed who I am as a person.
So, I decided last night that when I finished this contract job, I'm telling my employer that I can't do this right now in my life. For me, it will be very difficult to do it, because in some ways it is admitting a failure (something I really hate to do). But, I am not happy and am not fun to be around right now and the work is to blame.
I will let that go and will explore other opportunities. The truth is, this blog has shown me that I do still love to write. I may not like writing about computer servers, software or other high-tech blatherings, but I enjoy writing a lot. I had forgotten that. So, I hope to find a way to get back to writing on a freelance basis that will later perhaps translate into something I can do from home, on my own schedule, so I can be there for my kids when they come home from school each day.
I know this sounds really like "pie in the sky" dreams, and dare I try to make it a reality? Am I selfish to even be talking about this, when I know there are so many people who don't get such choices in their lives? Probably so, and I am grateful for my life completely, so don't misunderstand. And, I guess, time will only tell if my career ideas can work, but I have to try something.
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 2:30 PM
2 Comments:
I read this and it was like reading my own thoughts in a lot of ways!
This whole work/stay-at-home struggle is driving me crazy. I've had a tough time coming to terms with the way my world sees me now that I'm home with the girls. As soon as I had Baby, the number one question was, "Are you back to work yet? When are you going back to work?"
I've had a TV career since I graduated from college. I'm used to people stopping me everywhere to talk about what I do, to friends talking about how successful I am. I knew after I had proven to myself that I could make it in television, I could take the career or leave it.
But it has been hard for me to adjust to the disappointment and even contempt in people's eyes- acquaintances and strangers- when they find out I'm a stay-at-home mom. I mean we get NO respect!
My mom has even admitted that she embellishes what I'm doing now for her friends- She said this innocently, but it really hurt my feelings. We are doing something that's so much more important and worthwhile than our former jobs and yet people have this view that we're sitting around watching soap operas and getting fat.
Now, I think I may have found a job that will still let me spend most of my time with the girls- Yet I'm really worried that the work will get out of control, and that the money will seduce me into staying, in the hopes of pleasing my husband. He thinks working no more than one day a week would be perfect- but the older girls will be in two different schools next year and Baby will have to have a nanny and the logistics of all this keeps me up way too late at night worrying.
I'm not looking forward to facing this dilemma for the next eighteen (or more if I have another) years! I'm glad to know someone else is suffering the same angst about it!
Hey, Lucinda! We have more in common than you or I realized. I used to work in TV too...a long time ago! Send me an email at donosteph@yahoo.com and we'll chat!
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