A letter of regret...
Dear Granna,
I'm writing this letter to apologize for something it is very hard to even talk about. I feel very ashamed and embarrassed and I don't know what else to do, but write about it. Maybe then I can try to forgive myself and get some much needed sleep tonight. So, I'm writing you this letter. And, although you will never receive it in the mail, I like to think maybe you're looking over my shoulder right now as I type this.
Granna, it has been over a year and three months since you passed on, and I have thought about you so many times. But, you would not have known it this weekend, when I visited our hometown and I did not stop to visit your grave. I had planned to stop by this morning, before we left for our long drive back home. But, my son wanted to go to the park, my parents and sister wanted that last minute visiting time, and I am embarrassed to admit that I forgot until it was too late.
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I did this once before, not long after you passed away. And I cried that time, for quite awhile on the way home, my husband and son unsure of how to console me.
How could I do such a thing, to someone who meant so much to me? How could I forget and miss out on that time to go and be just a little closer to you, talk with you in privacy, and have that time to tell you how much I have missed you?
Granna, I have started changing some things in my life and I wanted to tell you that. I have started my writing again and it feels so good to get back to the words. I have been trying to work on my temper and have started taking a Bible study class at my church with other moms. Your grandson and I have started going early to church to Sunday school and, each time that I have gone, I have come home with a different message for my week. I am also starting to run again and get in better shape. These things are making me feel so much stronger and more back to my old self again.
Please forgive me for not coming by to see you. I may have forgotten to stop by, but I never forget you. I think of you many times a week, sometimes with tears but more often now with smiles of the memories you gave me. You are close to me always. I have learned so much about you and our relationship after losing you. I have learned that you had an amazing impact on my life and continue to do so today. Your grandson is only five, but he talks of you often as well. You see, you touched everyone in a special way, Granna. And, my daughter, well I look at her and see glimpses of you at times. I know you would have so enjoyed getting to know her.
I'm going to say goodnight now, Granna. I hope you know that I love and miss you still, and I so regret not being able to tell you that today. I am trying really hard to be the person you had a big part in teaching me to be--trying to live up to the strong woman that you were. I would have told you these things today, had I not let my life get in the way.
Your granddaughter,
Stephanie
I'm writing this letter to apologize for something it is very hard to even talk about. I feel very ashamed and embarrassed and I don't know what else to do, but write about it. Maybe then I can try to forgive myself and get some much needed sleep tonight. So, I'm writing you this letter. And, although you will never receive it in the mail, I like to think maybe you're looking over my shoulder right now as I type this.
Granna, it has been over a year and three months since you passed on, and I have thought about you so many times. But, you would not have known it this weekend, when I visited our hometown and I did not stop to visit your grave. I had planned to stop by this morning, before we left for our long drive back home. But, my son wanted to go to the park, my parents and sister wanted that last minute visiting time, and I am embarrassed to admit that I forgot until it was too late.
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I did this once before, not long after you passed away. And I cried that time, for quite awhile on the way home, my husband and son unsure of how to console me.
How could I do such a thing, to someone who meant so much to me? How could I forget and miss out on that time to go and be just a little closer to you, talk with you in privacy, and have that time to tell you how much I have missed you?
Granna, I have started changing some things in my life and I wanted to tell you that. I have started my writing again and it feels so good to get back to the words. I have been trying to work on my temper and have started taking a Bible study class at my church with other moms. Your grandson and I have started going early to church to Sunday school and, each time that I have gone, I have come home with a different message for my week. I am also starting to run again and get in better shape. These things are making me feel so much stronger and more back to my old self again.
Please forgive me for not coming by to see you. I may have forgotten to stop by, but I never forget you. I think of you many times a week, sometimes with tears but more often now with smiles of the memories you gave me. You are close to me always. I have learned so much about you and our relationship after losing you. I have learned that you had an amazing impact on my life and continue to do so today. Your grandson is only five, but he talks of you often as well. You see, you touched everyone in a special way, Granna. And, my daughter, well I look at her and see glimpses of you at times. I know you would have so enjoyed getting to know her.
I'm going to say goodnight now, Granna. I hope you know that I love and miss you still, and I so regret not being able to tell you that today. I am trying really hard to be the person you had a big part in teaching me to be--trying to live up to the strong woman that you were. I would have told you these things today, had I not let my life get in the way.
Your granddaughter,
Stephanie
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 2:23 PM
3 Comments:
I feel certain that your gramma understands. My grandmother lives at my parents' house- They finished their basement into an apartment for her- and we just visited for a week and I was so busy getting my baby and my husband and my 12 and 14-year-old stepdaughters together and out the door that I totally forgot to say goodbye to her!! Imagine the guilt if your gramma were still living!! And we are really close! So I totally empathize. Anyway, every time you think of her, it's as if you're visiting, because I like to think she feels those thoughts in heaven. My grandfather died four years ago and I still miss him as much as I did when it happened.
We have a lot of similarities- I am very involved at my church, too, and I've gotten my husband and stepdaughters involved even though they never went to church before I came around. And we like to laugh too-- a lot! I'm glad I found your blog!
Thanks for your kind/supportive words, Lucinda. And I'm so glad you enjoy the blog. I'm enjoying checking yours out as well!
Oh, sure, I don't care if you use it. I am sure tons of people have done this. I actually got the letter idea from Heatheranne's blog where she wrote a note to her aunt.
I have actually written a few times on here about my grandmother and it really has helped me work through the grief. You should try it too--I'm sure it would make you feel better. Sorry for your loss...
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