Getting Real

The theme of this post is "Getting Real."

Let's start with the fluffy, shall we? I just watched the first episode of The Real World: Austin. To some, this might label me as quite immature, given that I'm a month from being officially in my "mid-thirties." I can't help it. I have been watching this show since the second season. It isn't the type of show I would TAPE if I had to miss it, for goodness sakes. But, I DO manage to find the remote around 9 p.m. on Tuesday nights most weeks to keep up. There have been seasons I hated (London most of all) and seasons I love (who DIDN'T love San Francisco with Puck?), but it always seems to get my attention. My husband just rolls his eyes at me and finds another t.v. to watch sports.

So, this season it feels really personal. I lived in Austin for five years and still have some very dear friends there. Some of those friends even used to talk of wanting to be on the show. For years, we watched as it seemed Austin was a finalist for the next season, only to lose to another city. And, FINALLY, it is in Austin! And I can already say I'm hooked after one episode. I mean, even if I hated the cast, it would be fun watching to see which bars they go to and where they shoot scenes, right? There's lots of hotties on this cast and in one episode you could see the sexual tension...it's ripe for a really wild season. I can't wait!

Another "get real" moment tonight...I also watched Katie Couric's interview with Jennifer Willbanks, a.k.a. "the runaway bride." I was fascinated to see what on EARTH could prompt this woman to disappear, leaving all her family and friends to comb through ditches and rivers fearful she was dead. I mean, how could she? And, then, to make up the story she did about being kidnapped and raped? And why would her fiance even stay with her? What's up with THAT?

Well, unfortunately, the interview didn't give a lot of hints as to what made her do it either. But, there was one thing that really got me, and that was her talk of being a perfectionist and not being able to cope or live up to the standards she places on herself. I have not blogged about this much, because it's very difficult for me, but I do relate to this completely. I have some of the same issues. And, one day I will write about things I have experienced or done in the name of perfectionism. I really feel like it is a serious problem, that I pray I do not pass on to my kids, and I hope that I can continue to get a handle on. With age comes wisdom and with that I hope forgiveness and self-respect, let's put it that way.

Lastly, and most seriously, I am having to "get real" with facing some potentially scary health problems. I'm realizing that it may be possible that the headaches I have had all of my adult life, which I attributed to stress and labeled as tension or migraine headaches, may in fact be the result of high blood pressure.

It all started with a call from my little sister, who had a scary incident and went to the ER where she had abnormally high blood pressure. She has been having hers monitored for the past week and will find out more this week sometime on whether or not she does have a consistently high BP that needs to be medicated.

Ironically, the VERY SAME DAY I talk to her, I get a phone message from my sister-in-law who had heard I'd had a bad headache a few weeks ago and started wondering if it couldn't be my blood pressure. (She doesn't talk to my sister at all and knew nothing of that, but has suffered from these blood pressure related headaches before and is on medication for them now.) She had been meaning to call for awhile and wanted me to look into it. Now, the irony in the fact that I got these two calls on the same day and right after I'd had one of these booger-of-a-headaches is just too much. I almost feel like someone was trying to send me a very important message.

So, I started taking my blood pressure. (I have a home machine because I had BP issues immediately following the birth of my second child.) My numbers are all over the place. High then low readings, then I have several days of low readings. I start to think, ahh..I was just stressed out about this possibly BEING about my blood pressure, and THAT was what was causing the readings.

Wrong answer...tonight I was relaxed but started feeling one of these weird headaches coming on. They come on gradually and the only way to describe them is that I can't even point on my head where the headache is. It's towards the back of my head, and I feel this pressure kind of on my ear drums. What usually happens is that it gets increasingly worse until I have to turn off all the lights and seal myself off in the bedroom to try and sleep it off. All light and sound make me feel like my head will explode. And, eventually, with the bad ones, I end up throwing up from the pain. Sometimes that makes me feel better, and sometimes I go to sleep praying it will be gone when I wake up. Sometimes those prayers are answered, and sometimes they are not.

I have had these headaches since college, when I worked at very high stress job. I get them more when I'm under pressure, but I obviously get them other times as well. I'm not sure if they couldn't be hormone-related, but I haven't been able to find a real pattern. I have no idea why I'm sharing all these specifics, except for the fact that maybe someone will read this who has similar issues or knows about this stuff and can educate me!

I took my BP tonight and it was really high for me. So, I will be calling tomorrow to try and get in to the doctor and get answers. I don't want to face this, because it scares me. A high BP puts you at risk for a stroke. But, have I been walking around tempting fate with not seeing about this? Time to "get real" and see. Let's hope reality doesn't bite in this case, and I get to walk away with some really strong headache medicine. More soon...