Insomnia's good side: solving parenting dilemmas

There are good things that come from insomnia, actually--as much as I complain about it. Last night, I was suffering from a bad 'bout of it, as you've read. Yes, I'm blaming the Coke, but I know a lot of this is just me and my damn genes.

But, I've been in the midst of a building parenting/friendship dilemma that I got some clarity on tonight, in the wee hours when I could not sleep. There is a child on our street, who happens to be the son of a friend of ours, who seems to be very up and down with who he likes at any certain moment. I can't seem to find a reason for why this is, but I have watched it go on with more than just my son. I am going to call him "Faucet Boy" or "F.B." for purposes of this blog, because he's very "hot and cold" all the time--two extremes with no middle ground.

Let me backtrack and give some brief history here. Prior to this past year, Faucet Boy was hot and cold almost every time we saw him. When we first met, he acted enthusiastically about playing with my son, but then quickly went into "cold" mode. We'd see he and his Mom at the grocery, and he'd literally HIDE in the cart to avoid saying hello to my son. This would have been hurtful to my son's feelings, but at that point they did not know each other well enough for it to matter. My son would just ask me, "What's wrong with him, Mom? Why is he acting like that?"
Well, then came the lovefest. Faucet Boy started going to my son's preschool after having a rough time at his school. I'd talked his Mom through many a stressful day, where she was upset about something going on with him, explaining to her that my son had also gone through rough phases and to stick it out and it would get better. And it did, and she was very openly grateful to me for being her friend and not judging her son by his latest phase of behavior. As I've said, my son has been there and I try to be really open-minded about kids because I know they go through difficult times and it doesn't mean they are a bad kid or have bad parents by any means. (At least I hope not--that's what I tell myself, anyway!) Months upon months of the lovefest continued, with lots of playdates and invites and fun.

Then, there was a bad sandbox skirmish at our house one day at our house. I witnessed the altercation. It was partly my son's fault, but equally on Faucet Boy. My son was overly tired and being rather whiney and, quite frankly, cry-babyish. (I would never call him this to his face, but when he gets tired, he cries really easily and is more sensitive.) Well, the two were digging in the sand and Faucet Boy knocked over something of my son's. They had been bickering like an old married couple the entire playdate and I was watching them closely for this reason. My son started crying and acting mad, and F.B. just lost it. He turned and jabbed his finger into my son's neck with one furious poke. I walked outside, told both boys the playdate was over and to get their shoes because we'd be walking Faucet Boy home. F.B. ran to get his shoes and tried to run out my front door when I sternly told him to wait, that we'd walk him across the street and home. Well, he ran home 10 feet in front of us and ran inside before we could say goodbye. By this time, my son was over the skirmish and quickly forgiving Faucet Boy, yelling after him, "Here's a juice box for you!"

F.B.'s Mom could tell something was wrong, and I just told her the two had a bad playdate. Later, she called and asked what happened and I recounted what I'd seen. Her response was, "Did he hit your son?" When I said no, and told her about the poke, she pretty much blew it off. (I have to say here, this was not a small poke though...his neck stayed red for hours after actually!)

Well, since then, we've been blacklisted by Faucet Boy. We went to a neighborhood block party. When my son ran up to play with F.B., happy to see him, F.B. yelled "Loser!" at him and ran away, then telling all the other kids not to play with my son. This was really hurtful to both my son and us, because we watched him be shut out of all the fun that evening all because of F.B.'s decision to not like him.

So, the rest of the summer has all been about "being so busy" and no time for playdates and avoiding Faucet Boy without being ugly about it. That was the solution for us...but it has still been awkward with F.B.'s parents. But, now we have a birthday to plan. And every other birthday we've had since living in this neighborhood, we have invited Faucet Boy and his family. If we do not invite him, it will be insulting to his parents, and may cause further tensions. Only, my son doesn't want him there at all. He says he hates F.B. now and I have told him he doesn't have to like anyone if they treat him poorly. I respect his not wanting him to be there, because I wouldn't want someone who treated me that way to be at my special day either.

So, this inviting dilemma has been on my mind. My son wants to invite other neighbors on our street to his pool party. But, I have told him if he invites them, he needs to invite Faucet Boy and his sister. But, no invitation has other implications, I'm realizing tonight.

My son is starting Kindergarten this year. He will ride on the school bus with this kid. And, if we don't resolve this, I foresee some more name-calling/bullying torture going on for my son by this boy. His sister is older and he knows all the kids on the bus much better than my son. It won't be pretty, I fear... And, I am friends with his parents and involved in many things his Mom is in, and enjoy being around them.

So, here's what I've come up with, and tell me what you think. I'm emailing the Mom and telling her I'd like to talk one-on-one sometime when she has a chance. I'm going to then ask her what is going on with our sons. I'm going to ask in a way that doesn't seem accusing, but curious and concerned. I'm going to tell her that our kids don't have to be best friends, but we're friends and neighbors and I want them to at least get along, and what can we do to help remedy this? Then, I will invite them to the party.

My logic is, it doesn't do our kids a bit of good to see that if they have a fight, it can affect their parents/families friendships. Both boys are getting the wrong message right now. And, I have been going to church a lot more lately and learning one of the best ways to get over a problem person in your life is to pray for them. (It sounds crazy, but so far it is working for me and at least helping me cope!)

So, tonight, that is what I was doing when this came to me. Am I crazy, or do you think I have a shot of making this work? I feel like my son's introduction to school and his social life may hang on it, and that's a lot of pressure! And, why do I feel like this is ONLY the beginning of these kind of dilemmas too? OK, don't answer that one parents of school-aged kids--I don't want to know!