One Step Forward...Two Limps Back
I'm fighting the urge to beat myself up tonight. It should have been my 4th run with the team, only I didn't go. But, I think I made the right decision in not going.
My left knee has gotten progressively worse. Today, I knelt down to tie Ryan's shoe at his Easter Egg Hunt and felt a serious shooting pain up my left leg. Later, the damn dog got out and I had to chase her around the block with my comfy slide-on sandals on. By the time I caught her and hobbled back to the house, I realized there was no way I could run two miles on the track that night with my team. My knee was in bad shape and I knew it.
I'm frustrated, mad, and unhappy about not going. I know that sounds crazy. It is ONE night out of the 10-week program. But, I signed on to do this, and have met it with enthusiasm and optimism because I have done fairly decent so far.
More than anything, I'm nervous right now. I'm scared that this is an injury that will progressively get worse and prevent me from reaching my goal. And, I NEED to reach this goal.
I know many of you don't get this. It seems silly to put all your hopes and eggs into one basket, especially when you're just starting back to running again after 17 years of not doing it. And, as a friend reminded me, I had a baby less than a year ago. So, why the urgency?
The thing is, I'm not trying to set unrealistic goals for myself. This is something I MUST do for my health, to help lose weight and prevent diabetes. I feel like my back is against the wall. The only problem is, that wall is slippery and now I'm sliding down into failure by something that is NOT in my control. This isn't because I'm burned out on it. It's not because I'm being lazy and giving up. It is because my knees can't handle the pounding on the pavement with my flat feet at my weight.
Aside from the health reasons (which are reason enough), I NEED to complete this goal for myself for mental reasons. I haven't felt I have been a success at much of anything since I decided to give up my career for awhile to stay home with my kids. This is concrete and attainable (or so I thought). It is something I used to do that gave me pride. I need pride. Somewhere along the way my pride and confidence went out the window and gave way to insecurity and a certain level of depression. So (all together now), I NEED to complete this goal!
I actually had a friend tell me the other night that it has "been proven" that most long distance runners are "small-boned" people (which she would definitely be considered). I felt like asking her, "So, are you saying that I'm too big to run and I should give up?" It really bugged me and made me more determined to succeed at this running thing...to at least get to the point where I'm fit, have lost some weight and run regularly. Even if I did those things, I would still and will always be big-boned. And I wanted to prove to this person that what she said was insulting and dead wrong, even if she didn't mean to irritate me with her comments.
And here I am. Injured, still overweight, and now having to temporarily back off of this goal that I so desperately need to complete. No one gets why I'm fixated on this. My closest friends have tried to persuade me to "try swimming" or something less hard on the body. But, I don't want to. I want to do this. And it's killing me that right now I can't.
My left knee has gotten progressively worse. Today, I knelt down to tie Ryan's shoe at his Easter Egg Hunt and felt a serious shooting pain up my left leg. Later, the damn dog got out and I had to chase her around the block with my comfy slide-on sandals on. By the time I caught her and hobbled back to the house, I realized there was no way I could run two miles on the track that night with my team. My knee was in bad shape and I knew it.
I'm frustrated, mad, and unhappy about not going. I know that sounds crazy. It is ONE night out of the 10-week program. But, I signed on to do this, and have met it with enthusiasm and optimism because I have done fairly decent so far.
More than anything, I'm nervous right now. I'm scared that this is an injury that will progressively get worse and prevent me from reaching my goal. And, I NEED to reach this goal.
I know many of you don't get this. It seems silly to put all your hopes and eggs into one basket, especially when you're just starting back to running again after 17 years of not doing it. And, as a friend reminded me, I had a baby less than a year ago. So, why the urgency?
The thing is, I'm not trying to set unrealistic goals for myself. This is something I MUST do for my health, to help lose weight and prevent diabetes. I feel like my back is against the wall. The only problem is, that wall is slippery and now I'm sliding down into failure by something that is NOT in my control. This isn't because I'm burned out on it. It's not because I'm being lazy and giving up. It is because my knees can't handle the pounding on the pavement with my flat feet at my weight.
Aside from the health reasons (which are reason enough), I NEED to complete this goal for myself for mental reasons. I haven't felt I have been a success at much of anything since I decided to give up my career for awhile to stay home with my kids. This is concrete and attainable (or so I thought). It is something I used to do that gave me pride. I need pride. Somewhere along the way my pride and confidence went out the window and gave way to insecurity and a certain level of depression. So (all together now), I NEED to complete this goal!
I actually had a friend tell me the other night that it has "been proven" that most long distance runners are "small-boned" people (which she would definitely be considered). I felt like asking her, "So, are you saying that I'm too big to run and I should give up?" It really bugged me and made me more determined to succeed at this running thing...to at least get to the point where I'm fit, have lost some weight and run regularly. Even if I did those things, I would still and will always be big-boned. And I wanted to prove to this person that what she said was insulting and dead wrong, even if she didn't mean to irritate me with her comments.
And here I am. Injured, still overweight, and now having to temporarily back off of this goal that I so desperately need to complete. No one gets why I'm fixated on this. My closest friends have tried to persuade me to "try swimming" or something less hard on the body. But, I don't want to. I want to do this. And it's killing me that right now I can't.
posted by Crazy MomCat @ 12:33 AM
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