The Sting of Rejection

Today, my mind is on the topic of acceptance. More specifically, why do we feel we need to be accepted so much? I'm going to a luncheon for ladies living on our block today, given by a neighbor. This is a circle I have not been really included in much, because I don't have a child yet going to school and riding the school bus. (The school bus crowd is the real grapevine in our neighborhood. So far, I have joked that I have avoided being in this loop...just watching a little from the outside.)

I've been told, it is much nicer to be on the outside of the loop, than to be right in it. I guess I am about to find out, once my son starts kindergarten next year. These women have always been friendly to me, inviting me to the occasional bunco or social gathering. But, I am an outsider. And I know it. And I haven't decided yet if I like that or not.

So, why does this matter? Why does the acceptance of people I barely know and may not have anything in common with make a "hill of beans" in the grand cooking pot of life? (Dumb analogy, I know...) And, why am I feeling a little nervous anxiety to even be going to this?

Thinking back this morning, I am having flashbacks to times of rejection in my life. I think that's the thing about it really. It is not that I so need to be accepted by these people. I have several circles of friends who love me for who I am already. It is the fear of being REJECTED that has me a tad nervous.

I remember the first big rejection was in the 6th grade. I'd been invited to spend the night with a girlfriend of mine who happened to be friends with the two most popular girls in the class. I was friendly with these girls and had never "felt their wrath" of rejection. I was quieter and maybe not as easy of a target or something. So, we all get to my friend's house for the slumber party and we're having a great time. I leave the room to go to the bathroom. When I come back the three of them are whispering lowly and I hear my name. It became instantly clear that they were talking about me, and not in a good way.

Later, my friend confided in me (rather meanly, now that I think about it), that the two popular girls were asking her why she invited me. They didn't want me there. I wasn't in their crowd. Before this, I had no clue if I was in a crowd or not. I tried to be nice to everyone and it hurt to think someone didn't like me. After all, what had I ever done to them?

In college, I had a similar turn of events that to this day still stings a bit. My freshman year, I'd made a great circle of girl friends in my dorm . We stayed up late at night joking and talking, we'd even written and visited each other during the summer. I came back for my sophomore year earlier, because I had sorority rush. I had lost some weight, changed my hair up, and was feeling great about being back at college. The first few weeks of school, I was consumed with sorority stuff every day and only got to chat with my pals when I was going to and from things. I made an effort where I could and was looking forward to hanging out with them soon.

Then, I met my future husband. I was totally consumed with "being in love" and walking around in a cloud. I spent most of my time with him. And then, it happened. One morning while "visiting the facilities" I started reading the posterboards our dorm supervisor had hung in each stall for people to doodle funny notes to each other on. And, I found something really nasty written about me--by my closest friend in the dorm girls circle.

She'd written something jokingly to the other girls about me! Like I was someone they talked about in a negative way? I was totally baffled and hurt. I had no idea they didn't like me, and especially didn't like me enough to make public jokes about me right where I can see them! I was devastated. I asked another friend who I felt I could trust from the circle. She got visibly upset when I told her what I'd found. She said, she'd already asked them to stop writing mean things about me. She told me that she thought they were just jealous of me because of my sorority stuff, the new boyfriend, weight loss etc, and that I should blow them off.

Only I couldn't. I was too shocked and hurt. And, worse than this, she didn't come join forces with me in friendship either, she chose to stay friends with "the haters" and did less with me after that. It changed everything for me in college, having gone through that. I avoided my dorm after that. I felt sick when I'd see them in a group and knew they'd be talking about me after I walked off.

But, the biggest thing that bothered me, is not knowing what I did to provoke their hatred. I'd never said anything ugly about any of them. I'd never bragged or acted better than them, or done anything to deserve the wrath that I got that year. And, to this day, I get very angry when I see women who act like these girls--deciding to talk about or pick on someone else just for fun. Why do women do this?

Wow. This is too long. But, I needed to say some of that. And this need for acceptance, or need to not be rejected, is something I really need to outgrow. I hope that as I get older, it is something I can learn--to be able to walk away, head held high, and be glad to not be accepted by people who I really don't want to associate with anyway.