It's Not Easy Being He

So, this past year, I have come to an interesting conclusion. And, when I told my husband this, he was shocked that, as a female, I was able to see this at all. That is, that in this day and age, it's not an easy world to be in if you are a little boy.

What do I mean? Well, turn on the TV during prime-cartoon time for kids. It is either princess everything or Power Rangers. There is no in-between. And, when you are a boy, well it is a rough world if you go for the princess thing. So, a little boy has to either embrace the Power Ranger, or he's on his own...left to play princess with the girls...or worse yet, play alone.

When my son was three, he went through a really rough phase. He went from the child who was so shy at playgroup that he stayed next to his mom's leg and cried or hid most of the time, to a wild child who liked to wrestle and would take a swing now and then just to see the reaction he got. I think it was like the terrible twos delayed. But, instead of really awful tantrums, he had more issues with getting too wild with other kids.

So, after a long saga with a neighbor who we thought was our friend, but turned out to be the archenemy, my husband and I put the fear of the Almighty into our son about hitting or hurting another child. He knew that if he did that, it was the most serious offense he could make and it would be a BIG time-out and toys taken away from us....even (though I have since changed my attitude on this) it sometimes meant a spanking. (Yes, please don't tell me that spanking is no different than hitting. As I said, I have changed my stance on it now...from these experiences.)

Well, the results of this weren't exactly what we expected. My son, is in most ways a totally normal and active little boy. But, well, he doesn't hit, he doesn't kick, and he doesn't fight very much. Only, NOW, well all the other little 5-year-old boys do that. It isn't as big of a deal, I guess, as when you are three. Everyone karate chops and acts like Power Rangers...except my son. Because he's been told it is bad. And, he is doing what WE taught him. Every targeted show for his age has this stuff, but he has been given the message by his parents that it is wrong. So, what's a boy to do?

There are no empowering social messages sent to my son. On the radio and TV, there are entire shows and songs written about girl power and being a princess and how awesome it is to be a girl. As I look at my daughter, I am SO glad those messages are there telling her she can be whatever she wants to be in the world if she just believes in herself. There are no songs about how cool it is to be a little boy and how you can be whatever you want to be. There are only Power Rangers and then your parents telling you NOT to hit. Sounds like a confusing world for a 5-year-old, doesn't it?

So, I think my son has struggled a little this year, very privately and quietly. (He never complains or gets upset. He is also a peacemaker and hates conflict, much like his parents are.) His teachers have labeled him "a follower" because of this. But, when he's with friends and family, my son is by NO means a follower. He is a total ham--unpredictable, lively, and fun. He's just so unique. And, even at school, he doesn't follow when he knows it is something he feels is wrong. (I'll stop talking about this here...I could go on all day--it's a sensitive subject with me.)

Everyone in his class likes him and gets along with him, but he doesn't have the close connections he'd had the previous year in preschool. He is into riding his bike, playing/watching sports and watching Star Wars with his Dad. He is not into attacking someone from behind and pushing their face in the mud. He'd rather play board games, legos, or animal vet with his stuffed animals, than play good guy/bad guy. So, the other kids aren't sure what to label him, I think. He's not the shy boy, he's not the nerd, and he's not the bully. And, because of this, I see him not feeling connected to others and it makes me sad. How will it be for him in Kindergarten next year, when the labeling even gets worse?

He gets his feelings hurt easily (but doesn't always show it) and is sensitive to others feelings. Today, he came home asking to invite a boy over that he likes, because his friend hurt his leg and he wanted to make him feel better. I love his heart. He truly loves people and isn't afraid to show it. I hope this stays with him always. But, in a world where it is only powerful to be a girl or a ninja-boy, I'm not sure yet where he's going to fit in. And, every Mom wants their kid to fit in. At least until they say they're ready to stand out on their own.

So, for now I am slowly revising our rules about hitting and being aggressive without totally confusing him in the process. I think I'm probably doing a poor job:

"No, it is not OK to hurt anyone."
"But, yes, if someone is bullying you and won't stop when you tell them, well you can push them back."

"Oh, well, OK, I guess you CAN now watch obnoxious Sponge Bob. Since you are a big five-year-old."
"But, no, I don't like Power Rangers still."

"Yes, you can play good guy/bad guy. Just try to do air kicks and punches and not hurt anyone."
"Yes, I know it isn't fair because they are really kicking you."

Sigh...I'm sorry, my dear son. I really understand now...it's just not easy, being a he.