Thursday, October 26, 2006

Superstitions aside...

I can be a superstitious person. I believe that some things are destined to be, but I also believe in tempting fate. There are many times my husband will make an offhanded joke about something and I will tell him to stop, because he's cursing things and it will certainly come true now.

Now, I realize that sometimes this is silly, and my logical side often pushes away my tendencies to worry about superstition very much. Black cats can cross my path without any problem. Bring me a ladder, and I'll walk right under it without a second thought. But, my dream two nights ago pushed all the wrong buttons in me and has me in a bit of a superstitious "tizzy."

Have you ever heard the one that if you die in your dreams, then it is a sign that you're soon to die yourself?

Two nights ago, I had the most horrific nightmare, and yet parts of it were the most wonderful dream as well. However, in the dream, three of the four members of my family died. I have held off writing about it here for a few days, because I was still pretty shell-shocked by the whole thing, to be honest. I will try to tell it here, as it came to me in the dream.
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My husband was driving our car along the state highway that we take to visit my parents. I was in the passenger seat and my daughter was in her car seat in the back. My son, for some reason, was not in the car with us.

We came to the place our son calls "train town," because of the many tracks and cars that cut through the middle of this tiny place, which has only a few traffic lights and a handful of acceptable places for pit stops.

About 100 yards from the train crossing, my husband looks ahead to see the arms for the train guards starting to raise. Thinking we've just missed having to sit and wait on a train, he says, "Oh, good. It's gone," and continues at his current speed.

Just as we get to the tracks, we both look in time to see the train meeting our car. There was no noise, no pain, not anything. Just the deep realization that we had just been hit by a train.
"Oh, no." I said. "Oh, no. It can't be. No, no, no. Not now. Not yet..."
My husband, nodding, "Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"But, I don't understand...oh, no. Are we gone? Are we gone?"
I repeated.
As we were having this conversation, my husband was now somehow free to hold me to his chest tightly, rocking me. My daughter was suddenly in my lap and I have my arms around her. For seconds we sit this way, feeling nothing at all. There is peace and it is very quiet. There is no blood and no wreckage.

Then, there is a feeling of floating away from the scene together in this embrace.

I try to look back to see the car we were in.

"Don't. It's bad," my husband says as he shields me close to his chest. "Just don't look."

"So, we're gone?" I said, already knowing the answer. "That's it? We're gone?"

"Yes. " He says.

I hold my daughter close to me, burying my face in her strawberry blonde curls, taking in the sweet smell that I've come to love over the past two years. I realize how short her life was and it brings me a quick moment of sadness.

Suddenly, as we're moving away, we see a bright light and we feel a rush as we speed to meet it. All is quiet and peaceful, and we no longer question what is happening. We know.

When we reach our destination, there are a lot of people walking around, and it reminds me a lot of a busy train station. I decide to buy us a drink. And, this is where I finally realized while in my dream that it was in fact a dream and not really happening. Because, as we tried to use our credit card over and over at all of the vendor booths for drinks or snacks, no one would take it. Everyone just smiled this strangely knowing smile at us and waved us off.

And, here's where it gets silly. Tea Leoni was there serving sushi. Just as I begin to speak to Tea, it dawns on me that my daughter is not with us anymore. As I turn to look at my husband, we both understand simultaneously.

"She's going to make it," I say. And, he smiles and nods. I feel sad that she's left us, but I know that was a good thing. At least her brother will not be left all alone without any of his family.
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That is when I woke up shaking from the realization of what I'd just seen in this dream. And, the superstitious person in me began to freak out, as I tried to find some message in it. Is this some sign that I'm about to die? Or was it God's way of showing me how quickly life can be taken and to appreciate my own more? Or was it just the Chinese I'd eaten that evening coming back to haunt me?

I may never know the answers to these questions. But, what I do know is that this dream will never leave me. Words cannot describe the feeling I got in those few moments after the impact and the many realizations that came to me as we rose away from the crash. Superstitions aside, there was some reason I had this dream. Of that, I am very certain.

8 Comments:

Blogger daysgoby said...

That's beautiful, and haunting, and scary enough to make you sit right up in bed.
What were you doing/reading/thinking about before you went to sleep?

It seems very scary now, but if you reread your writing about it, it was very peaceful. Almost serene.

I think all dreams bring something with them - not as a scary harbinger of doooom, but something...perhaps a realization that your daughter is growing up so fast and you're afraid you'll lose her (baby) self?

Either way, I'll bet you're checking on your daughter a lot during the night lately.

Peace to you, MomCat.

12:55 PM, October 26, 2006  
Anonymous Angela said...

Wow... very haunting.

Although, I actually do hope that death is really like that, because your dream made it actually seem quite nice and peaceful.

3:36 PM, October 26, 2006  
Blogger MommaK said...

Wow...you just gave me huge chills. I would be freaking out if I had that dream too. I can't even imagine.

Take care and stay out of train town. Please.

8:10 PM, October 26, 2006  
Blogger Babs said...

wow, I'd be totally freaking out, too. I've had the dreams where others die, but not myself. Your story made me think that your brain was working some stuff out in your head... how much you love your family and your life, how relieved you are that your kids have each other, etc.

btw, you described it all so well. Like, you really have some talent, girl! I felt like I was reading a snippet from a good book. (oh, and you also reminded me of the show Medium, which I totally love)

3:41 PM, October 27, 2006  
Blogger Dipu said...

Yikes...

11:35 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous Nicole said...

wow. goosebumps. but as someone commented above, it surprised me in its peace and reassurance.

like many other things we share, I also have a habit of taking my dreams very seriously. I woke up with one this morning that involved family secrets uncovered by people who wished me harm. I can still feel the anger and I'm trying my darndest to figure out the bigger message...

10:50 PM, October 28, 2006  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Wow, that's amazing. Just amazing. It's like a movie.

1:31 PM, October 29, 2006  
Anonymous GhostHost said...

I've had a few dreams like that.. kinda shook me up.

I used to ponder and research meanings of dreams. The thing I remember was that death in dreams often represents transformation rather than a physical kind of death.

But that's back when I was a deep thinking kinda guy. I guess I'm just too busy making the doughnuts these days to think about 'em. ;)

1:35 PM, October 30, 2006  

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