Sunday, November 05, 2006

30 Odd Foot of Rants

It's Day 5 of NaBloMoPo, and thanks to the garage sale drain, I have nothing to give you but a couple of rants. Nothing profound or life-changing here. Just call it "30 odd foot of rants," if you will...

(Which reminds me...why did Russell Crowe name his band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts? I mean, really! Isn't that a ridiculous name for a band? And, changing it to the acronym TOFOG really doesn't help, Russ. But, I digress...)

The ranting begins...

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I am really getting sick of doing my weight training routine at the gym on the weekends. Why, you may ask? Well, because the men working out there really piss me off! (Sorry to all my male readers. I mean no offense. I actually told my husband about this and he laughed and said he could completely see this happening.)

There are a couple of types of "weekend muscle heads" that I have encountered. These guys are never there during the week when I work out. The men who are there weekdays don't have the same kind of attitudes. Maybe they are stay-at-home dads or unemployed guys killing time. Heck, maybe they are psychotic serial killers who stalk chubby moms trying desperately to get in shape. Whatever the case, they're civil. That's all I'm saying.

But, I am digressing again. Here is a rundown of the types of numbskulls in which I keep having to deal:

"The Let's Stare Her Down Muscle Heads"
These meatballs are either staring at me because
A> I am a female and that just excites the hell out of them, or
B> I am a female and how dare I work out anywhere but the treadmills, the aerobics room, or the machine weights!

(Given that I work out without a stitch of makeup, in nothing too revealing, and that I'm not up for any swimsuit covers this year, I assume the answer is B.)


These guys stare at me as if I am from another planet. Why am I doing lunges in their "he-man-woman-haters" workout area? Didn't I know this area was just made for men? Did I not know that I am a girl? Girls can't do free weights! This is blasphemy!

This attitude makes me want to immediately go over to whatever weight apparatus they were working out on, put the same amount of weights on it and then lift it grunting loudly and looking at them as if they were my next victim.


"The Let's Hog the Benches Muscle Heads"
I was caught in the vortex of a triangle of bench hoggers today. Two were in their mid-20s and decided to take a half hour to do their chest presses on each of the two best benches where I do chest presses and my tap-ups for my legs. They took 30 minutes because between each set of obviously-too-heavy-for-them barbell thrusts, each had to fondle their biceps and then turn and watch 10 minutes of a FREAKING football game on the TV. All the while, I stood there waiting my turn to use their bench. I made it VERY obvious I was waiting and it seemed to only make the two of them take even longer. The third bench hogger was an older man who at least was doing many different sets on his bench. So, I tried to not burn a hole through his head with my evil eye as I did with the younger ones.

When the 20-somethings started making out with their arms after a set, I finally sighed very loudly and said, "OH, this is just RIDICULOUS!" and stormed away to the aerobics room. There, I had to stack my step with about 10-bazillion risers to get it high enough for me to do my tap ups. When I came back into the gym, the darn muscle head bench hoggers were gone. I'll bet they just waited until I left to quit too!

Both types of these muscle-bound morons do deserve some of my gratitude. Because, invariably when this all goes on, my temper starts to rise and I get in a very fierce workout on the adrenaline alone. I just hope that someday I don't completely lose it and open up a can of whoop-ass on these fools! I pity the fool who stares at me stupidly while I work out! I pity the FOOL!

(Sorry, my MPD kicked in again and I slipped into my Mr. T personality there for a second.)

So, fella's? The next time you are at the gym, if you see a chick working out with weights in your "he-man-woman-haters" area, I suggest you smile and nod approvingly or just look away and avoid eye contact. And definitely keep moving with your weight routine if you find one waiting for your bench. You don't want to mess with a woman holding a 30-pound dumbbell, especially when her Mr. T persona is just waiting to kick a little bootie!

3 Comments:

Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Oh man, I know the feeling! I feel so intimidated in the weights section and I HATE the idiots who sit on the machines in between reps and stare at themselves in the mirror. Hello! I'm waiting to use that machine, dude! A few times, I've asked if I can trade out in between their reps (my gym expert husband assured me that was totally okay) and been looked at like I had two heads.

1:44 PM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger karla said...

This may be the coolest blog post title EVER!

5:00 PM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I want to say that you should ask to use the bench while they're flexing and self-admiring, but I probably wouldn't have the nerve to ask, either. Some men are such assholes when they get to the gym.

6:24 PM, November 06, 2006  

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