A "Festivus" for the "Restofus!"

(If you are or were a Seinfeld-addict as I was, you'll appreciate the title here.)

Dear churches, schools, sports organizations, and neighborhood associations:

I am writing you with a most desperate plea. I think you will remember me from my last letter regarding your school fundraising bombardment of several months past. Well, since you did not cease and desist with your wrapping paper/candle flim-flam, I would appreciate your serious consideration with THIS matter.

The fall festivals are killing suburban America. Specifically, we mothers of small children are going to be lucky if we can make it to Thanksgiving without a nervous breakdown. We cannot handle any more bake sales, cake walks, cookie swaps or craft booths. We cannot buy any more Christmas knick-knacks, Halloween signs, or handmade jewelry. Most of all, we just can't volunteer our time at your events for another MINUTE.

We have baked our little hearts out. We have given our precious weekend time and let our own houses fall by the wayside. Halloween costumes are shoved in a closet somewhere to be found the day of trick-or-treat. And, only some of us were lucky enough to buy the candy ahead so we don't have to go scramble to purchase that. Others of us have broken into said candy allowing the chocolate to sooth our weary souls (and add to our sad waistlines). We can give no longer. Our generosity bank is on lock-down.

In addition, why is it that you must schedule every event in the span of about two weeks? Between Friday through Sunday evening this weekend alone, we have FIVE festivals to attend. We are boycotting one, because we just can't physically handle any more merriment. I have survived three now and I have one more to go. That is, unless I fall into a coma when I lay my weary head down to sleep tonight after making my umpteeth baked item for the final festival.

What makes this the most ironic of all, for this mother, is that I happen to live in a place where there is no such thing as FALL! I think back to movies like "Steel Magnolias," where they show the traditional fall festival at its finest--people donning cold-weather cardigans, sipping on hot cocoa, and glowing with that cozy warm feeling that comes along with the knowledge that a winter wonderland is almost upon you. Yeah, well, quite frankly we don't have any of that here.

They should call where we live the "Lone Star Sauna," instead of state, because the horrid humidity lays an heavy blanket of sweaty skin upon you starting about March and it does not dissipate until at least late November. I dressed "fall-like" today and came home from my second fall festival and promptly changed into a t-shirt and shorts. It took a good hour for my body temperature to return to normal.

So, would it be possible for SOME of you to get together and say, change your festival plans for another time of year? After all, do we really need to commemorate a season that does not really visit us until almost December and lasts maybe a month? How about a Spring Fling? What about a Summer Bash or a Valentine's Lovefest? A Labor Day Luau would be much more appropriate. Anything, yes anything would be more appreciated than the fall festival. And, if I have to attend many more, I fear I will go on a pumpkin shooting rampage that will end only when I see the last gourd explode before my very eyes.

Signed,

"They don't call me crazy for nothing" MomCat